The Crossdresser and I are sitting at the dining room table in shower caps; evoking pictures from my childhood books of the wolf dressed up like Grandma in Little Red Riding Hood. I am trying to get all the black out so I can lay down new tracks. Jeanie is turning into an autumn brunette as we speak-currently about Madonna's song Papa Don't Preach. I tell him it's about a teenage pregnancy while he thinks it's just about Papa approving of her boyfriend. Round and round we go and where we'll stop is anybody's guess. I know I'm SO right and he truly believe he is. It's maddening!
After a week of no or little creative, I made a couple of pairs of beautiful earrings that look like chandeliers. Jeanie is wearing a pair. He says that he feels them dangling and it feels wonderful that he might not take them out. The necklace he is wearing has a medallion of St Joan of Arc on it which I chose in part because of my similar name and part because Joan has to be the Patron Saint of Crossdressers. Don't you think so? Yeah...so....
I've had a touch of the blues for a few days now. I can only compare it to having PMS: swollen,tired, irritated and quick to say the ugly things I'm usually too kind to say. Only, I don't have PMS. It then occurred to me I felt sort of similar last year as I was preparing to vacation in Orlando. I didn't have a reason to be blue then either. I thought it might be the new meds I'm taking to quit smoking. Today I decided not to take my fat girl pill and felt loads better. I worried I would have the appetite of a lumber jack and zero energy but the opposite was true PLUS I felt my normal self which was wonderful. I had lunch with Jeanie and Adam. We went to Ten-Ya's for loads of sushi; it was so yum. It's an extravagant treat. I went over my lunch hour but pay it no mind. Today was Admin Day and my boss asked to take me to lunch before I told him that I already had a date. He said, "I don't get turned down on dates" and I replied that I don't usually turn down a date! He got out of buying me lunch, I brought him a lovely Shrimp Bento upon my return and everyone was happy! Jeanie bit the bullet and finally gave up his NY Drivers License for a New Home State Drivers License and...he did it with perfectly tweased eye brows and makeup! He would have looked totally girl if his hair had not been pulled back in a pony tail. Oh my crossdresser! He's on the floor-we're half watching Sex and the City movie while I write this and he puts everything into his new pink wallet which fits perfectly into his neutral brown man bag. It's lovely. He's lovely... I bought a little something as well. After relentless comments-both positive and negative, I have decided to give up my unnaturally black hair. I'm in a restless mood and suddenly, the thought of deep scarlet locks appeals to me. This will be a time consuming process but hopefully it will be worth it. I'm hoping to have it completed before we go to see Collective Soul on Saturday night! It feels good to feel good again...!
I am a googler. I google everything. I've googled myself but all I found was a doctor, a real estate agent and Joni Mitchell. I'm not so hard to find though. Search for crossdresser girlfriend and you'll see more of me than you ever wanted to. If I wanted to be anonymous, I didn't succeed. I could cover my tracks but why? I love this crazy life of mine and someone has to share it.
On Saturday night, we enjoyed a lovely time out with our friend Adam. The Scene Girl was expected to return on Sunday morning and as I found myself telling Jeanie to remove nailpolish, put on socks, take off that shirt, take off the girl.... He asked why. I told him that The Scene Girl's Aunt was bring her home and would definitely come in. But why? Her Aunt's husband is a total homophobic. Jeanie says, "But I'm not gay." And I said "But you fall into the cracks of that category". Jeanie asks, "I fall into the Gay Category?" Adam spoke up and said, "You fall into the list of things that just aren't natural." I felt awful for making him go all butch. This once shy Crossdresser has found such comfort in his girl mode that I find myself having to tell him how much is too much...the when and why and where and hows of what is cool and what isn't. Who am I to say? While The Scene Girl is accepting of Jeanie, I know that she would prefer not to answer questions to the outside world. And Jeanie knows. It doesn't seem any less wrong to me. It's funny...I know so many women who are so butch and it's never question. Why can't men be fem and follow under the same columns instead of ending up on dreaded lists of things that just.aren't.natural.....
I love Saturday mornings with nothing particular to do. Jeanie made pancakes for breakfast while the girls lazed around and I played around with my new laptop. Last night I discovered Hulu and I'm enjoying watching the two seasons of The Riches starring Eddie Izzard and Minnie Driver. If you haven't caught this show, you must! There are so few shows that portray TS/CD characters and certainly Eddie Izzard is the right person to give you an adorable young character like Sam Malloy. Spring is here and my mind is climbing with change. My thoughts are introverted in search of improving life as well as myself. I am bored with my job and I'm thinking of searching out new venues. What I would really like to do is set out on my own but the economy is out on a limb and it's shaky. It's probably not a bad idea to keep my foot in the door of something sound and steady. I am making jewelry; an enjoyable creative process that caught my attention because Jeanie cannot find girly bracelets and anklets that fit. Now if I could only make shoes!
While I'm not sleeping much these days, my dreams are strange and vivid. I dreamed I traveled to a tropical island where my mother was in the hospital giving birth to twelve babies. I dreamed that I met and fell in love with Jeanie but there were no feminine attributes-not even a single strand of transsexual eroticism but I loved my Jeanie just the same and when I woke up, I thought of how it might be without that aspect. Would I change my crossdresser if I could? I don't think so. There are social astigmatisms to loving a boy who loves looking like a girl but that's just what other people think about and what other people think isn't any of my business. I'm beyond living a life based on the righteous properties of appearance. Being happy, living authentically and learning something new each day are far more important to me. I learn a lot from Jeanie. I learn a lot about kindness, compassion, bravery, and love. Time with Jeanie is better than time spent with anyone else which has recently gotten me in trouble. I got a voicemail from Daddy asking me to call him so he would know I was still alive. When I returned the call my Stepmomma Pearl accused me of abandonment and stated that if anyone had died I would not have known. I figure the phone works both ways. It's the same distance from my house to theirs as it is from their house to mine. I really didn't mean to go so long without a visit. It was not intentional; it just happened but being scolded didn't make me change it up. If anything, it made me avoid being treated like I was a child with any further contact.. at least for a while. People seem to get pissed off if you are too happy. I'm quite certain that people enjoy a little salt in their loved ones though I cannot imagine why. Further I separate as I cling to the crossdresser. Maybe that tropical island I dreamed about is really where I'm residing and maybe my mother was really me only instead of 12 babies I'm creating jewelry. The whole process of learning techniques that supports the ability to give solidity to what began as just an image in my mind is powerful and totally addictive. Perhaps giving up pot was a good thing. My clear mind has given way to wonderful new things and I'm grateful.
I love boys in dresses. When I learned that Boy George was indeed homosexual, I made an automatic assumption that boys who enjoyed dresses enjoyed other boys. I was not aware that crossdressers are often straight; this was something I would learn much later. In the mean time, I talked quite a few straight boys into allowing me to dress them up by explaining that it turned me on to make out with a girl and make love to a man. My ex-husband was one of those men. He was game for anything that put me into overdrive sexually. I made an 82nd airborne seargent into a really pretty flower. He took one look and went pale beneath the makeup. He asked if I was done and quickly took it all off. It was too much for him. Later I learned why. Mark and I made a lot of visits to his hometown in Jacksonville, Florida. His family was colorful, warm and recieving. I was particularly fond of his Grandmother and her husband, Larkin. While Larkin would show Mark his latest finds in the world of politics, gardening or vitamins, his Grandmother would invite me into her fancy sitting room and share chapters of her life with me. One afternoon, she told me that Mark looked just like his Grandfather, her first husband whom she called Sport. "Sport was a nice enough guy...he was just a pervert." She went on to explain that a few years after they were married, she came home to find him dressed in her undergarments. Her shock seemed to ignite a vicious thrill in him and for years, he would refuse to change before the children came home from school unless she would do what he asked. What he wanted often involved watching her have sex with other men while he hid out in the closet wearing her bra and panties; insisting that she keep the used condoms for him. She said, "I don't even want to know what he did with those condoms..." She believed his inability to be a female drove him to very sadistic places. When her youngest daughter entered high school, she got a job; something Sport had always forbid her to do. Later she divorced him and found love in her boss at the department store, Larkin. They had been together ever since. Sport went on to marry two more times and died alone in the late 80's. After his death, Mark found a note that read, "I still love you, Letha." Larkin had a son from a previous marriage. Allen was clumsy and full of energy. He just couldn't sit still. Letha pulled out her old guitar and taught him some chords which he picked up quickly. He later wrote this song as seen in this performance.
The Scene Girl called Jeanie and asked for a pick up. As we removed the diamond earrings, nail polish, girl jeans and the like, I realized that it takes longer to make him into a boy than a girl these days. Yesterday he went to the grocery store in an Indian inspired orange tank top and Capri's so obviously, we're not so concerned in what manner he chooses to present himself to the world. The one exception is on the occasions that concern my thirteen-year-old daughter. She accepts Jeanie, but still fears what others will think so when she is involved, he tries to dress butch. He's hot as a boy or a girl-though I find myself more sexually attracted when he is dressed as a girl. I could care less what others think or is that totally correct? I've been open and honest with those I'm close to. I realize that gossip has made it possible for those I'm no longer close to but share a common blood line to form opinions and express them to others. Mostly these opinions come through Cousin David. I have to ask if he's trying to hurt me more than inform me. I don't tell him what I hear about him , so why does he want to tell me what our disfunked family has to say about my gorgeous Jeanie? My whole life I've wanted someone who would be my hero; one who would take sides, put me before others and refuse to let me down. Who cares if that hero looks more like Wonder Woman than Super Man? Silly little detail.
While I'm Southern at the very core of my being, I have been around. I'm fairly well traveled. I've lived in Chicago, San Diego, and Washington DC. In each place I learned to mingle with the natives and charm them with my differences. I have a great capacity for change. I lasted less than 4 hours in New York. Being treated poorly and change are two different animals. Jeanie was not willing to put me through it even if that meant pissing off his entire family (though they are not much of a family in my opinion). We returned to Virginia to the comfort of Cousin David's new home and will be returning home later today. I've enjoyed a lot of relaxation, and wonderful shopping! We have loads of new clothes and shoes and accessories! I can hardly wait to show off my new throw togethers. No one will ever believe where they were found and how little I paid. This trip has strengthened my trust and love in The Crossdresser. If I had any doubts about his love and devotion, they no longer exist.
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