Tuesday, January 19, 2010


So maybe I'm not done.
I'm not so dead as I am grieving.
I don't think I would let myself when we broke up because I would have never gotten through it. Telling the Crossdresser to leave was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I never thought I could do it and I'm still not sure how I did it except that something else took over for me. Maybe an angel. Maybe a demon. Either way being without her is painful and awful. I miss her on every possible level. She is the kindest, sweetest person I've ever known and she is gone. Irrefutably and painfully absent from my life.
The strange thing is that I knew where she had gone. I don't know how except to think that psychically we are still together in some way. There is no other explaination. While I read her blog for details, she never said where she was and yet I knew. I knew other
details she did not say in her blog.
Thinking you know something and knowing it to be sincere truth are two different things. A thought doesn't slice you open the way a nasty truth can. My worst fear has come true and fucked with my whole head. My Crossdresser wasted no time in moving in finding a MAN to take my place. How fucked up is that?
I'll tell you what is more fucked up: the thought that I made him do it. Maybe I didn't give him any choice. I begged him to go home and he just wouldn't. He even got a call from his Mom upon leaving. He thought I called her but I didn't. She must have been reading the blog. Why did he go and is it my fault? I'm racked with grief and guilt.
I cried and screamed in tongues. Did I force him to go upon his nature? This pains me with an empathy that only someone who has been defiled can feel.
Today we spoke and now I know the truth and felt salty tears for the first time since we broke up. I could feel the pain in her voice. We both admitted to wishing we could take it all back: the move, the breakup, everything that pulled us apart.
And yet, there is no way to stop the here and now. I again begged her to go home. What I didn't say was "Oh please go home and stay safe and warm and I'll come for you when I can." Some people are hard to tear apart. I will always love Jeanie. I will never stop loving her but I love her enough to know I wasn't making her happy. She had grown as much as she could possibly grow with me. I believe she is meant for wonderful things and I love her enough to not stand in her way.
I spent the afternoon crying across my bed. I can still smell her there. I can still feel her if I try. I hope I never stop trying.
Please pray for the Crossdresser.
Please pray for the Crossdresser's Girlfriend.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


The Crossdresser's Girlfriend has died.
I am no one's girlfriend now.
An era has ended in more ways than one.
I thought I should weep but I didn't.
I am bothered that I am not more emotional.
I feel cold and heartless.
The truth is I couldn't care for her anymore.
One should know their limitations.
I know mine.
Now I must strip the love from my life.
It's a bit like pulling off a band aid.
This is the first relationship that turned me off from love.
I can't imagine entangling myself in another one.
I am truly free.
I want to stay that way.
This is my last entry.
It would feel random to be writing under a title I no longer hold.
I will not remove.
Not now anyway.
I have found great comfort in blogging and will begin a new one.
If you want to follow, let me know.
Goodbye Friends.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Leaving Carolina

To say the Crossdresser and I are a little tense would be an understatement.
In a matter of weeks, we gave notices, sold or gave away most of our possessions and moved across state on New Year's Eve.
We drove away with a fat debit card and what we could fit in the car.
The landlord has called but I didn't listen to his message.
We left it clean but with a little more than there than when we moved in.
We did the best we could and besides-he kept my deposit for breaking the lease-no hard feelings.
I was feeling pretty good.
I felt free and hopeful.
I'm supposed to be the exception to the rule not the example.
The car started to overheat about half way there.
It was awful.
To find yourself on the side of the road with everything you own.
The boys came running.
I made it to a grocery store parking lot.
It took both cars to put what we had in one.
Shell shocked our way through the New Years.
I didn't anticipate my car breaking down.
It had been running fine the way cars that are paid off run.
Little space and short fuses.
Did I tell you that the Crossdresser quit drinking?
It makes for more fun.
Maybe I'm in over my head but I work well that way.
I added a donate button to my blog.
It's only until I secure a job and get things rolling.
I need your help but won't ask for it.
I believe that things happen in their own short cook way.
I'll cook up something.
I just don't know if we'll survive-the two of us.
Jeanie has shut down in so many ways that I don't know if there is such a thing as recovery.
Love recovery.
Again-I believe things work themselves out as long as we participate in the work and he isn't. He's lazy and grumpy and going through the motions. I'm sending out resumes and doing what I know to do but it's like he doesn't know what to do. He hasn't even looked for a job. He feels like a weight on my back when he should be helping me.
Chariots race in my mind.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

No Need To Stand Up, I Was Only Passing Through-Dylan

The news spread like a trailer house fire and my resignation came to everyone as a shock. My job was posted on the company web site and it's funny to see all of the people standing in line to take a place I'm grateful to be leaving.
Do you believe in cycles? My Mother was the first to believe in marks in time to ever speak of it to me. She believed that her joys and sorrows came in waves of 7 years. 7 good years, 7 bad years and so on. I wonder what wave she's riding now.
If you follow numerology, I have nine year cycles and I am coming upon a new one in 2010. I believe that the brutal nature of this last cycle causes a chariot like need to plow down my house and storm on. I've been selling and giving away everything. Letting go has a strange therapeutic smells-like- medicine effect on me. Take it away. Leave me a lone.
I'm deuling it out with some old bones and it's not surprising that I've taken a great deal out on Jeanie. We have sex in the hallway. "Fuck you." "No fuck you!" I can't tell you the last time I've had sex with someone other than myself. She's hairy and I'm bored. Last night I read her tarot cards. I never learned to read my own properly so I thought reading Jeanie's would give me a glimpse into my own future.
Great cards. Changes in fortune and fame. Opportunities through Friends and Family. I also saw an inheritance in March. I saw no pain so I told him that he and I would be together in the new year. Lots of travel and celebrations but no break ups.
She's a delicate flower. She's too far gone to ever turn back now. She is not the same person that I met in 2008. There is more moodiness and a need to not be told what to do. She can be defensive and withdrawn. I can be defensive and withdrawn. I need to paint my nails and color my hair and shop for shoes but that would require effort taken from other things that I must do before the end of the month.
In 2010 she will require more than me. She will meet new people that would become important to her. She will be more individual than she ever dreamed of.
I wanna go back to school. I wish she could support me while I did so. I think I'd like to be a sex therapist...or a probation officer. Same difference, right?

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Too Far Gone

Hello Friends.
I woke up at 3 and at 7 I crawled into bed with the crossdresser.
It's a single but the only bed I haven't sold for my freedom.
Some may call it a move but I call things what they really are and I'm buying freedom.
Freedom and the logistics surrounding obtaining freedom is all I can think about.
With everything I sell I feel that much closer.
The house is much emptier and the single bed with a sleeping crossdresser was too cozy to resist crawling into. The pleasure of a crossdresser is sweeter and more divine than a mere mortals.
I could hear rain falling and thunder crashing and I fell into a teenage dream. I opened my back door and found a worn red dirt path that I felt feverishly led to someplace I needed to go. I got in my car but it was too narrow with passing trucks so I took off on a massive bicycle. The road was littered with people and I saw old friends that I had not seen in 20 years but they greeted me and made me smile as if we had never lost touch. Eventually the path led into a covered bridge that led into a restaurant where people were having chicken wings for breakfast and smoking madly. I realized that the path dead ended in the kitchen of this restaurant so I got off the bike only to realize my skimpy night gown was gathered around my middle and I was walking a bicycle in a crowded restaurant with my bare ass showing. It only bothered me for a moment and went back up the dirt path and spoke with young boy peddlers. I awoke before I made it back home.
My workplace feels strange and I don't care to spend much time there. I don't have much time left. I will be giving my notice next week and my last day will be new year's eve. I'm curious as to the reaction of my notice but it will make little difference. I'm too far gone to turn back now-sure that line is from a song but I don't know which one.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Pretty In Pink

This morning we held our first yard sale in hopes of getting rid of stuff.
We loaded tons of stuff on to the front lawn and there she was...pink sweatshirt, girl jeans, hair pulled back to show off dangle earrings, last night's make up and pink tennis shoes and nails to match. I watch with a non-judgemental eye at how rural people react. There is no reaction. Whether it's a yard sale or a trip to the grocery store, our community doesn't give up the lifetime movie drama you would expect. They are kind and cordial and are careful to keep it very non-gender. I can't say that it's equality but it's gotta mean something or at least it does to me.
The Scene Girl is with us this weekend. She knows we are moving to California and promises to visit in the summer. She is loving and supportive and says she is happy with her Daddy. It feels like I'm being pulled by an invisible force towards the unknown and I pray I'm doing the right things.

Thursday, November 26, 2009


I am grateful.

I have yet to go a day without love.

I know the kindness of the universe.

I got Jesus' word I will get into heaven even if he has to sneak me in through the kitchen entrance.

I have a free spirit and a generous style.

I got legs that own their own zip code.

My home is full of love and friends.

A lovely spread of food is on my table.

I am a dreamer.

What I can't dream I'll scheme into existence.

I have witnessed miracles.

I have experienced joy.

I came from humble beginnings.

I rose above all my karmic misgivings.

I have forgiveness for those who left me for dead.

I thank the angels who broke my fall everytime I lost my balance.

I choose to live out loud.

My life is never boring.

People still surprise me.

I look to the sky and find pink cotton candy and later I'll find stars.

I have kissed the face of God and remembered to lift one leg to my knee.

I taste like raspberries sweet loverly sweat.

I remember to laugh.

I am inspired.

I am destined for greatness.

I'm a little over a month from California.

My mind is as sharp as a fourth grader's pencil.

Dylan wrote songs about me before I was even born.

I felt the spirit of Elvis in the room beside the racquetball court at Graceland.

I once hung out with Janis Joplin in a dream.

I have been baptised in the sea of forgetfulness.

A friend is always a phone call around.

I am drenched in faith.

I get dry with fluffy towels and sleep on silk in the cradle of Jeanie's arms.

I make out with a girl and fuck a gorgeous rock god.

I have a face that begs for love. (Dylan said that)

I get around to everyplace I want to go on my own high-heeled feet.

I never stop learning.

I never stop growing.

I never stop being grateful.