The Sweet Finds of a Crossdresser's Girlfriend

NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU

2010-01-19T15:41:00.000-08:00

So maybe I'm not done.

I'm not so dead as I am grieving.

I don't think I would let myself when we broke up because I would have never gotten through it. Telling the Crossdresser to leave was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I never thought I could do it and I'm still not sure how I did it except that something else took over for me. Maybe an angel. Maybe a demon. Either way being without her is painful and awful. I miss her on every possible level. She is the kindest, sweetest person I've ever known and she is gone. Irrefutably and painfully absent from my life.

The strange thing is that I knew where she had gone. I don't know how except to think that psychically we are still together in some way. There is no other explaination. While I read her blog for details, she never said where she was and yet I knew. I knew other

details she did not say in her blog.

Thinking you know something and knowing it to be sincere truth are two different things. A thought doesn't slice you open the way a nasty truth can. My worst fear has come true and fucked with my whole head. My Crossdresser wasted no time in moving in finding a MAN to take my place. How fucked up is that?

I'll tell you what is more fucked up: the thought that I made him do it. Maybe I didn't give him any choice. I begged him to go home and he just wouldn't. He even got a call from his Mom upon leaving. He thought I called her but I didn't. She must have been reading the blog. Why did he go and is it my fault? I'm racked with grief and guilt.

I cried and screamed in tongues. Did I force him to go upon his nature? This pains me with an empathy that only someone who has been defiled can feel.

Today we spoke and now I know the truth and felt salty tears for the first time since we broke up. I could feel the pain in her voice. We both admitted to wishing we could take it all back: the move, the breakup, everything that pulled us apart.

And yet, there is no way to stop the here and now. I again begged her to go home. What I didn't say was "Oh please go home and stay safe and warm and I'll come for you when I can." Some people are hard to tear apart. I will always love Jeanie. I will never stop loving her but I love her enough to know I wasn't making her happy. She had grown as much as she could possibly grow with me. I believe she is meant for wonderful things and I love her enough to not stand in her way.

I spent the afternoon crying across my bed. I can still smell her there. I can still feel her if I try. I hope I never stop trying.

Please pray for the Crossdresser.

Please pray for the Crossdresser's Girlfriend.

Obituary

2010-01-13T16:13:00.000-08:00

The Crossdresser's Girlfriend has died.

I am no one's girlfriend now.

An era has ended in more ways than one.

I thought I should weep but I didn't.

I am bothered that I am not more emotional.

I feel cold and heartless.

The truth is I couldn't care for her anymore.

One should know their limitations.

I know mine.

Now I must strip the love from my life.

It's a bit like pulling off a band aid.

This is the first relationship that turned me off from love.

I can't imagine entangling myself in another one.

I am truly free.

I want to stay that way.

This is my last entry.

It would feel random to be writing under a title I no longer hold.

I will not remove.

Not now anyway.

I have found great comfort in blogging and will begin a new one.

If you want to follow, let me know.

Goodbye Friends.

Leaving Carolina

2010-01-04T14:23:00.000-08:00

To say the Crossdresser and I are a little tense would be an understatement.

In a matter of weeks, we gave notices, sold or gave away most of our possessions and moved across state on New Year's Eve.

We drove away with a fat debit card and what we could fit in the car.

The landlord has called but I didn't listen to his message.

We left it clean but with a little more than there than when we moved in.

We did the best we could and besides-he kept my deposit for breaking the lease-no hard feelings.

I was feeling pretty good.

I felt free and hopeful.

Until.

I'm supposed to be the exception to the rule not the example.

The car started to overheat about half way there.

It was awful.

To find yourself on the side of the road with everything you own.

The boys came running.

I made it to a grocery store parking lot.

It took both cars to put what we had in one.

Shell shocked our way through the New Years.

I didn't anticipate my car breaking down.

It had been running fine the way cars that are paid off run.

Little space and short fuses.

Did I tell you that the Crossdresser quit drinking?
It makes for more fun.

Maybe I'm in over my head but I work well that way.

I added a donate button to my blog.

It's only until I secure a job and get things rolling.

I need your help but won't ask for it.

I believe that things happen in their own short cook way.

I'll cook up something.

I just don't know if we'll survive-the two of us.

Jeanie has shut down in so many ways that I don't know if there is such a thing as recovery.

Love recovery.

Again-I believe things work themselves out as long as we participate in the work and he isn't. He's lazy and grumpy and going through the motions. I'm sending out resumes and doing what I know to do but it's like he doesn't know what to do. He hasn't even looked for a job. He feels like a weight on my back when he should be helping me.

Chariots race in my mind.

No Need To Stand Up, I Was Only Passing Through-Dylan

2009-12-19T07:24:00.000-08:00

The news spread like a trailer house fire and my resignation came to everyone as a shock. My job was posted on the company web site and it's funny to see all of the people standing in line to take a place I'm grateful to be leaving.

Do you believe in cycles? My Mother was the first to believe in marks in time to ever speak of it to me. She believed that her joys and sorrows came in waves of 7 years. 7 good years, 7 bad years and so on. I wonder what wave she's riding now.

If you follow numerology, I have nine year cycles and I am coming upon a new one in 2010. I believe that the brutal nature of this last cycle causes a chariot like need to plow down my house and storm on. I've been selling and giving away everything. Letting go has a strange therapeutic smells-like- medicine effect on me. Take it away. Leave me a lone.

I'm deuling it out with some old bones and it's not surprising that I've taken a great deal out on Jeanie. We have sex in the hallway. "Fuck you." "No fuck you!" I can't tell you the last time I've had sex with someone other than myself. She's hairy and I'm bored. Last night I read her tarot cards. I never learned to read my own properly so I thought reading Jeanie's would give me a glimpse into my own future.

Great cards. Changes in fortune and fame. Opportunities through Friends and Family. I also saw an inheritance in March. I saw no pain so I told him that he and I would be together in the new year. Lots of travel and celebrations but no break ups.

She's a delicate flower. She's too far gone to ever turn back now. She is not the same person that I met in 2008. There is more moodiness and a need to not be told what to do. She can be defensive and withdrawn. I can be defensive and withdrawn. I need to paint my nails and color my hair and shop for shoes but that would require effort taken from other things that I must do before the end of the month.

In 2010 she will require more than me. She will meet new people that would become important to her. She will be more individual than she ever dreamed of.

I wanna go back to school. I wish she could support me while I did so. I think I'd like to be a sex therapist...or a probation officer. Same difference, right?

Too Far Gone

2009-12-09T05:42:00.000-08:00

Hello Friends.
I woke up at 3 and at 7 I crawled into bed with the crossdresser.
It's a single but the only bed I haven't sold for my freedom.
Some may call it a move but I call things what they really are and I'm buying freedom.
Freedom and the logistics surrounding obtaining freedom is all I can think about.
With everything I sell I feel that much closer.
The house is much emptier and the single bed with a sleeping crossdresser was too cozy to resist crawling into. The pleasure of a crossdresser is sweeter and more divine than a mere mortals.
I could hear rain falling and thunder crashing and I fell into a teenage dream. I opened my back door and found a worn red dirt path that I felt feverishly led to someplace I needed to go. I got in my car but it was too narrow with passing trucks so I took off on a massive bicycle. The road was littered with people and I saw old friends that I had not seen in 20 years but they greeted me and made me smile as if we had never lost touch. Eventually the path led into a covered bridge that led into a restaurant where people were having chicken wings for breakfast and smoking madly. I realized that the path dead ended in the kitchen of this restaurant so I got off the bike only to realize my skimpy night gown was gathered around my middle and I was walking a bicycle in a crowded restaurant with my bare ass showing. It only bothered me for a moment and went back up the dirt path and spoke with young boy peddlers. I awoke before I made it back home.
My workplace feels strange and I don't care to spend much time there. I don't have much time left. I will be giving my notice next week and my last day will be new year's eve. I'm curious as to the reaction of my notice but it will make little difference. I'm too far gone to turn back now-sure that line is from a song but I don't know which one.

Pretty In Pink

2009-11-28T17:16:00.000-08:00

This morning we held our first yard sale in hopes of getting rid of stuff.

We loaded tons of stuff on to the front lawn and there she was...pink sweatshirt, girl jeans, hair pulled back to show off dangle earrings, last night's make up and pink tennis shoes and nails to match. I watch with a non-judgemental eye at how rural people react. There is no reaction. Whether it's a yard sale or a trip to the grocery store, our community doesn't give up the lifetime movie drama you would expect. They are kind and cordial and are careful to keep it very non-gender. I can't say that it's equality but it's gotta mean something or at least it does to me.

The Scene Girl is with us this weekend. She knows we are moving to California and promises to visit in the summer. She is loving and supportive and says she is happy with her Daddy. It feels like I'm being pulled by an invisible force towards the unknown and I pray I'm doing the right things.

gratitude

2009-11-26T14:31:00.000-08:00

I am grateful.

I have yet to go a day without love.

I know the kindness of the universe.

I got Jesus' word I will get into heaven even if he has to sneak me in through the kitchen entrance.

I have a free spirit and a generous style.

I got legs that own their own zip code.

My home is full of love and friends.

A lovely spread of food is on my table.

I am a dreamer.

What I can't dream I'll scheme into existence.

I have witnessed miracles.

I have experienced joy.

I came from humble beginnings.

I rose above all my karmic misgivings.

I have forgiveness for those who left me for dead.

I thank the angels who broke my fall everytime I lost my balance.

I choose to live out loud.

My life is never boring.

People still surprise me.

I look to the sky and find pink cotton candy and later I'll find stars.

I have kissed the face of God and remembered to lift one leg to my knee.

I taste like raspberries sweet loverly sweat.

I remember to laugh.

I am inspired.

I am destined for greatness.

I'm a little over a month from California.

My mind is as sharp as a fourth grader's pencil.

Dylan wrote songs about me before I was even born.

I felt the spirit of Elvis in the room beside the racquetball court at Graceland.

I once hung out with Janis Joplin in a dream.

I have been baptised in the sea of forgetfulness.

A friend is always a phone call around.

I am drenched in faith.

I get dry with fluffy towels and sleep on silk in the cradle of Jeanie's arms.

I make out with a girl and fuck a gorgeous rock god.

I have a face that begs for love. (Dylan said that)

I get around to everyplace I want to go on my own high-heeled feet.

I never stop learning.

I never stop growing.

I never stop being grateful.

California

2009-11-25T16:56:00.000-08:00

Despite joining Blogger a month before the Crossdresser, Jeanie has 3 more followers than me.
We have different appeals, I suppose.
It still doesn't mean you should follow me already so I can prove I'm loved.
I do get more comments and emails.
Many of you have sent greetings concerning our move and a few curiosities.
Where are we moving?
San Diego.
In a way, I feel I've always known that's where I was going.
Do you get into numerology.
Well, according to numerology, I'm in a 9 year cycle that ends in 2010.
I didn't get to enjoy San Diego nearly long enough the last time.
I snuck out at dusk to return to my karma cycle.
As that cycle has come to a close, life has been interesting.
Not abundant in some ways and yet rich in others.
I am a lot smarter and cleaner.
I owned up to a lot.
I took a lot.
I feel I've paid my debt and can move on to a greater experience.
A few years back I lived in San Diego but it was just a soft place to land.
It was easy and I knew it couldn't last but it was an easy fit.
I dated alot and made good friends I still talk to.
Now is a perfect time to lay new claim to happiness.
In a way, I'm terrified.
Nobody is going to hire me over the phone so I have to go without employment.
In the same way it's very exciting.
I'm liquidating everything I own for a shot to be where I wanna be and seek out my future.
You have to applaud me for sheer nerve.
That and I'm sick of being beat up and watching others take their licks at my job.
I'm trying to be very non-violent and yet inside I'm raging.
HOW DARE THEY LOSE THEIR HUMANITY AND LET THE MONSTERS LOOSE?!!!!
I can't act out.
I have to glide out gracefully though I will have to unclinch my fists and cover my mouth.
Jeanie is the good pet and says she'll follow me anywhere.
I found a trans support group in our new neighborhood (hillcrest...where else would we live?)
I think Jeanie is a lot more real and honest about herself than most.
Maybe she can be an inspiration to others.
She's been talking about another crossdresser.
I know that she longs to have a friend.
Most of our friend are beautiful gay boys and one gender girl.
No one to relate to.
Though my crossdresser has plenty of novelty.
We've talked about Jeanie trying to find employment as a girl.
If you can't try in California, where can you try?
It's a new start and my girl would be so happy to throw away all of her male clothes.
I love her so much that it makes little difference to me.
She's too far gone to ever turn back.
I'll never see her as a male.
If I want that, I'll have to look elsewhere.
Sometimes I do.
Just in thought so far.
Sometimes a girl likes the thought of a 70s porno vanilla straight sexuls afternoon.
I think I'll chase the girl in the pink dress now....

Financing A Dream

2009-11-20T18:22:00.001-08:00

After Halloween, Joy snuck out my bedroom window.
She was starved half to death and maybe she could sneak in bed with the neighbors.
It would have to be somewhere close or she'd be found dead by the waste side.
I had broken up with nearly every lovely thing I've known.
I even questioned if I would be a Crossdresser's Girlfriend for much longer.
My job is a soul slayer and I won't survive there.
I certainly won't thrive.
I can give up and conform to the discomfort.
Only I can't.
I don't know how to give out.
My only option is to clear out and move on.
In these instances, I always come to a crossroad of options.
The Devil's Crossroads?
Perhaps.
I'll have single strand regrets no matter what I choose.
I'm okay with that.
At least I'll be gone.
I won't have an audience whether I fly or fall.
I hope you read of it in the paper.
Both current options revolve around my beloveds.
Cousin David and Mark say they will make me happy.
I have no doubt they would but what about Jeanie?
I don't think they love him enough to not come between us.
And besides.
Virginia is their destination.
I don't want to be a bystandard in my own story.
And then it occurs to me that a full circle is in order.
I will go to where I was before here.
I loved it there.
She's a long legged woman of a place and it's like God french kissed every inch of her.
So it is decided.
And it is so.
But when?
My last day of work will be on Elvis' birthday (January 8).
I will leave the day before my Momma's birthday (January 11).
Last minute plans are rarely thought out well but that gives them foolish luck.
Last minute plans don't give a lot of time to sort out money.
The most I can save by January is 3 grand.
I think of a U Haul.
U Hauls aren't romantic. Just that human need to drag things around.
Change with the same old stuff around to comfort you.
I don't need any of it.
So it's decided.
I'd rather have a lot of cash than a lot of stuff.
I want to grow money not boxes.
I want a fresh start with fresh money.
Stuff will show back up.
And all this thinking makes my heart pound and my blood flow.
Joy decided she didn't like the neighbors and came on home.
I made her a pan of brownies and she promised to never leave again if I let her get her nose pierced.
I feel a confidence.
I suddenly have piece of mind in giving up everything I own for the chance at peace of mind.
It would so be worth it.

Haunted

2009-11-13T20:59:00.000-08:00

Lately, we've noticed peculiar things.
A candle that had been sitting on the TV for days, flew off and landed on the floor two feet away while a friend and I were having a chat on the couch.
Our dog communicates with thin air and alerts us to it's presence.
In Virginia, I acquired a very strange ceramic piece painted in 1978 by a Jenny Coates.
I named him Richard.
He wears a red robe trimmed in green and rocks a long goatee. There is a goat's head strung on string around his neck, a money pouch around his waist, and a dagger in his right hand. He's evil for sure but I'm not sure why this woman painted him in ceramics class or where she would have found a mold for this particular guy. He's got a certain energy and I wanted him immediately and Cousin David had no choice but give him to me. I wanted to put him with my Geishas but he's too tall for the chef. He sits on a corner shelf overlooking the room.
My kitchen is trashed. Adam decided to make yummy pumpkin pecan chocolate chip cookies. I reminded Jeanie of the rule. I don't have many rules but the kitchen must always be clean before bed. I can't stand to wake up to a mess. Tonight she is feisty and flirty and has had way too much too drink. I promise I will bind and gag you and leave you with a water dish in the bathroom all day if I wake up to a mess. She laughs and says I'm a tease.
And yet, there she is tidying up like a regular house mop.
I experienced a disappointment this week; one I share with no one. A heavy cloud of discontent sat over me. And yet I survived. And yet I thrived. Friends called. Loved ones came by. A young guy at work hands me a book and said he thought I would like it. It was written by a Buddhist Monk I quite admire. I have read his work but not this particular book and I was touched that this quiet boy had honored me in such a way. I snuck off to a Chinese buffet and read the forward by the Dalai Lama. A precious gift.
I bought myself a vintage silver ring with a moonstone as it's center piece. Moons ago I had a moonstone necklace and I had the most curious adventures when I wore it. People seemed to be especially drawn to me and I made friends of strangers quite easily. I lost it somewhere between California and North Carolina. I lost a lot of things crossing the country and wrote letters in the backs of many bibles. I received emails from those who read my letters for quite a few years after those words were written. I wondered if they tore them out or just wrote my email address down so others could discover me in New Mexico, Nebraska, Louisiana, and Kentucky.
Adam gave me an obscure Marilyn Monroe movie on DVD.
I worked hard and worked hard at forgetting about it in the evenings. A few nights I can't remember going to bed.
The Crossdresser asked why I wasn't feeling sexy lately.
I don't know the answer to that one.
I'm just not?
I would just like to make other things.
Plans. Dreams. Flights to far away places.
A ride on a train in large sunglasses and leather gloves and big red lips.
Life is beautiful even when its not.
When you don't get what you wanted more than anything.
When you got all that you ever need.

STRAIGHT

2009-11-11T14:52:00.000-08:00

I love having morning coffee with Cousin David. Even a morning without coffee because SOMEBODY forgot to buy creamer with a phone call from Cousin David is good.

This morning, he told me about a conversation with his sister. His sister told of how a few of her husbands relatives got drunk and admitted visiting a trio of transsexuals from time to time. His sister immediately saying that she knew they were gay. Dave told her that's not necessarily true. I said it was absolutely not true. I know a few transsexuals who are more feminine than David's sister though we are almost identical and she could be really diva if she wanted but it's not a matter of genes but laziness.

Sexual preference isn't nearly as simple as Stephanie believes it to be. She hasn't been exposed to as much sexuality as Cousin David and I. Straights tend to keep their business in glass jars inside their heads and rarely break them out with honesty. Otherwise, they wouldn't be straights anymore would they?

Yeah, I'm with a guy but that doesn't make me a straight. I gave up on straights years ago and gave up their teachings soon after. If I'm with a guy but he looks, loves and walks it like a girl, how does that make me straight?

Get Behind Me Satan

2009-11-09T17:31:00.000-08:00

Mandy is the only gender girl I can take for more than 15 minutes at a time. Taking her along on a sticky sweet candy corn weekend as absolutely the best! I came up with the halo of Christmas star tinsel was my idea. I'm a pretty smart girl.

Except when I'm not.

Our goal was to take loads of pictures with Michael Jacksons but we mostly took pictures of Mandy kissing gay boys. She is an excellent gay boy kisser.

At the after hours club I locked eyes with a very tall drag of a girl standing in the doorway. I later found him sitting by himself so I grabbed his hand and took him upstairs to read his tarot cards. We sat on that couch and I twirled locks of his wig around my finger. He's not trans. I don't think he's even a cross dresser. I really think it was just a costume. I think a crossdresser's girlfriend would know.

The experience left me a little side ways. I miss men. I miss their smell and the silly way they try to charm you. The roar. The thunder. A Lion not a Lamb even if the Lion was sitting there in bad drag.

The powerful dominance of his presence was warm and pleasing. Our flirty conversation oozed with testosterone and I realized I miss that.

I don't know what to do about it.

I guess I'm lucky the night ended quickly and I'll probably never see him again.

Even if I want to a little.

Jeanie dressed the entire weekend and as provocatively as possible. People gaped and stared. She looked like a hooker. We couldn't get her to change. She takes off her makeup and nail polish for work but that's it. She is full female-venturing out without a thought. Our sex is so lesbian and his penis feels strapped on. She really is a girl. I rarely ever see that obnoxious boy anymore and that's a little sad.

I don't know if I'm special enough for this. While I can't imagine being happy in an ordinary guy girl relationship, I can't quite imagine never being attracted to a man again.

Oh, what to do!

I know what I shouldn't do.

Maybe I'm being tested.

Vanity

2009-11-05T16:30:00.000-08:00

A Witch and her pet

2009-11-04T15:11:00.000-08:00

A witch and her pet.

Can't you love on that all day long?

I can.

Of course I can.

Halloween was an absolute blast!

Our friends Mandy and Hakim joined us on a road trip to Cousin David and Mark's in Virginia. Downtown Richmond was jumping with freaks and we fit right in!

While I Fade Into a Deeper Shade of Red

2009-10-26T16:32:00.000-07:00

There's a few things I can't stand.

Chipped nail polish

Fake gold jewelry.

White dress shoes.

Roots.

I think it all comes from riding on the school bus.

I couldn't stand my brown roots for another second and grabbed a red box on the way home.

This one came with color booster so it went on like blood.

Jeanie watched and asked questions.

Jeanie is big on questions though she retains so little of what I explain to her.

Lots of things are going through my head.

I tell her that I want to cut my hair.

I wanna go with a more professional look.

I have an interview with a government agency in Virginia next Monday.

This is so exciting that what I've been on about for over a month is coming to pass.

There is power in our thoughts and words.

Have no doubts about it.

I am not sure what I'll tell my boss to explain my absence.

Work is dreadfully slow for me.

Now that Human Resources is actually being Human Resources there is less for me to do but the need for money is still there so I press on and pretend to be busy even when I'm not.

Saturday I submitted my resume and all the needed forms and was up until wee hours.

Sunday I was lazy.

While Jeanie was at work I laid in bed and watched movies on Netflix from my lap top.

I tend to go for independents and documentaries.

I found one called Creature.

It's about a transgender male-to-female from my home state who went to California to be her true self.

A lot of it is hard to watch.

You fall in love with her and you so desperately want to take care of her because nobody seems to. I love the reunion with her baptist backwater parents when she comes home totally transformed and they love her just the same. Totally beautiful.

Afterwards I googled her. I wanted to see what she had been up to since 1999.

The documentary ends with a note that she had given up working at the club and was taking classes.

Sadly, I found out she took on the name Barbie Woods and has done a lot of porn as a she-male. I want to believe she did it so she could have the surgery she wanted but I doubt it. Money made in that way is rarely kept.

I fanned her on facebook hoping to get a happily but some stories are just doomed to end badly. Of course, I admire her for refusing to live as a boy even part-time. Perhaps prostitution and porn is better than denying your true self. And it made me think about Jeanie who dresses almost exclusively as a female except when she works. Does she want to move forward? I ask and she says what she really wants is electrolysis which would making dressing so much easier. I ask her about breasts and eventually between the legs but she doesn't show much interest in going that far.

Once, I thought this was something I didn't want. Once I thought that I wanted her to be both forever but not so much. The longer I love Jeanie, the more I know that it's not about flesh. I want her to be happy and I would never deny her what would truly make her happy.

I flop like a fish in wondering if Jeanie is a crossdresser or is Jeanie a transsexual. I don't know any more than I know if I am straight or if I am a lesbian.

Everyday, there is hope that I will come closer to knowing the truth.

Pedals

2009-10-24T02:20:00.000-07:00

I ordered my Halloween costume yesterday.

It was not the one I originally picked out.

The one I really wanted to wear was a naughty cop get up but that was before my defining moment. I will tell you about the defining moment but I don't really feel like having any discussion on it. I'll just share. So it was my first week back at work. I'm racing around the sales floor and I am stopped by a coworker from another department. They use our conference room for active living classes. She stops me with squeals, hands over her mouth and starts congratulating me. I tried to shut the bitch down. I couldn't.

Everyone assured me that I don't look pregnant. Maybe it was the baby doll dress I had on. Maybe it was because I had taken off my heels and put on house shoes so I could climb about the office putting up Halloween decorations. Maybe it was because the bitch had left her husband, pierced her nose and had lost 30 pounds and just wanted to feel better about herself.

It doesn't matter. It was my defining moment. It was time to get real and the truth is I put on 20 pounds while I was sick. 20 pounds on an already thick frame would make me look pregnant in a baby doll dress I suppose. I immediately called my doctor and squeezed a prescription for fat girl pills out of him. He had ragged me about losing weight anyway. One of my boys gave me an exercise bike I have in my living room. I eat very little and never after 3 pm.

So if any of you for one minute think you are the only ones who are uncomfortable in your own skin, you would be so wrong. I have to go around feeling like I look pregnant while I live with a boy in a dress who looks more like a runway model than some real runway models. Jeanie is divine and I want to slap her when she wants to diet with me. Silly girl. You're gorgeous. Go have a sandwich, already! You don't have to live this. Only I do.

I'm down seven pounds but I am too self conscious for the cop costume. I went with something that even Liz Taylor could pull off. I'll look great but not nearly as sexy had I lived in denial of my weight gain. Part of me doesn't even want to do Halloween but it's my favorite holiday and I can't imagine making Jeanie sit at home with me.

My Mandy and our friend Lady Saigon are joining Jeanie and I on a road trip to Virginia to celebrate Halloween with the Boys. Since their move, our social group has dis banned and no one is having any parties here so we're having one of our own.

This week I learned that two coworkers of mine are in transgender relationships-just backwards from mine. Their mates are so passable; I would almost think they were gender males. They have it much easier. I don't have to talk to them to know that. I only have to see them out all the time to know it. Jeanie is out and proud but is still extra careful to make sure he left no signs of mascara or nail polish before he goes to work. Of course to my coworkers they are just lesbians but I'm sorry. You're hiding your breasts and looking like hot high school boys isn't just because you dig on girls.

In a way, this gives me hope that in the years to come, people will be free to be exactly who they are whenever they feel the need to be. That's a beautiful thing.

I'm off to ride my bike to nowhere but I'll pretend I'm going to Michigan Avenue.

The Magician's Assistant

2009-10-08T07:19:00.000-07:00

I got up this morning with every intention of going to work. I showered. I sat in front of my vanity and painted my face like I've done a million times but after I dried my hair upside down and pulled on panties and high heels and just you're typical office girl getting ready stuff, I felt like that chick the magician saws in half. Jeanie asked why I bothered. Ironically, I requested the first week in October off three months ago. It was approved so technically, I don't have to go back to work until Monday. I wanted to just because this whole thing has really eaten up my paid time off but Jeanie works and we don't have any bills except household expenses. I know the medical bills will be showing up soon but Fiddle Dee Dee and Scarlett O'Hara to all of that. Today I'm sore and just can't go around in heels all day. I need to make myself well-completely so.

I think yesterday was an off day for a lot of people reading the blogs that I read. I read more than I comment on which is something I thought I would never do but it's fact pure and simple. Some are harder to read than others and I think that's because it skirts around the hips of my own issues. Jeanie and I fought terribly last night. There wasn't absolute ounce of understanding between us. I wasn't getting him and he wasn't getting me and for pure distraction we made passionate love until we passed out. Actually, I had to get up. Lately, sex regenerates me instead of the usual roll over and cuddle me thing.

I am not sure we are any further along in making peace despite the making love thing. Jeanie woke up in cranky boy mode cringing with irritability and dripping with discontent. I couldn't get him to talk. Last night, he had plenty to say. He even played this song from NIN (ringfinger I think) about being like my Jesus and some such nonsense and screaming that I never want to hear negativity which makes it impossible for him to release what haunts his tragic transgender soul.

Oh Bother.

Good Grippy Grief.

The funny thing? I can trace all of this back to an off-hand remark I made about this guy.

I've had a hollywood crush on him since we spent a summer in Chicago together. Okay-he was with Jennifer Aniston and I was with Rich Ray but humor me and go along with it. While flipping channels on the flipping tv I found a dancing Vince Vaughn in that Christmas flick. I will watch said flick just to watch Vince Vaughn dance with elves I think he's so hot. So, I say what maybe should have stayed in my head but was something..oh...along the lines of....."He's so tall and gorgeous! I just wanna sit on top of him and twirl!!!!"

Jeanie immediately questioned this saying "How can you be attracted to him when he's so masculine?" Jeanie is so unjealous. I can kiss gay boys and I've told him flat out that I wish I could be a female polygamist and just have a house full of crossdressers to tickle and love and squeeze and call my very own and he's totally suspiciously okay with that.

We are not swingers or anything gross like that but he allows me to act out some of my fantasies and seems to understand that it's not really in my nature to believe I am only supposed to love one person. I'm completely commited to Jeanie but I think there are others that need my love too and one day I will meet them and give them what they need for however long that is.

Jeanie's whole day went to shit after that. He just could not believe that I still dig on masculine men but that's just me and noone will ever talk me out of Vince Vaughn not that I'd ever want to keep him. Men are trouble and alot of work and they want you to make them sandwiches and never like the same tv shows that you do. They fall dead after orgasm and forget to even care if your back has arched or not.

So the Vince remark was made and he turned into a boy and said things like he didn't know if he was man enough for me and was scared that I didn't want him anymore and bought beer and pouted and didn't want to do anything but fight with me. Yuck.

I spoke with him a moment ago and he sounds better. More like a crossdresser. Less like an asshole.

We'll see.

In other news-I've lost three pounds since last week.

I'm bored so call me if you know my number or chat with me online.

Until then,

I think I'll make jewelry and watch Heroes.

Inspired Frustration

2009-10-07T13:26:00.000-07:00

A Non-Practicing Monk told me that I was born under the Sitting Buddha which means I must learn everything on my own and teach it to others. Nothing more true has ever been said to me. I'm often lonely, frustrated and seem to only learn through trials by fire but as a know it all, I doubt I will trade methods any time soon. It's my raging call-conviction-tumble at overcoming the flesh and finding a deeper sense of spirituality.
I wasn't quite ready for work today. I couldn't sleep at all last night and knew that I couldn't go into that crazy place without at least a couple of hours of dreams, you know? Jeanie doesn't remember dreams. His father often visits me in dreams-I think so that I can communicate things to him. Yes, him. Jeanie's father is terribly clueless to the whole cross dressing issue. Not Jeanie-"His name is Gene!" he says.
I rearranged my shelves. I found some empty frames and looked for suitable photographs. Looking back is never a good thing but there seems to be some sort of answer hidden in my memory pages and boxes-some missing puzzle piece of knowledge that I'm hoping to stumble upon.
I am feeling healthy and strong if maybe a little tired. I'm nearly ready to meet the challenges that await me. I've put on 20 pounds or more since I first felt ill more than a month ago. Not only do I have to get back to work but I have to get back to some resemblance of moderation and discipline. I don't hate myself for this-sometimes things become too much and I just have to sit and shut down and figure the whole thing out because I'm really sensitive. I can pick up bad energy-kind of like a flu of the soul so to speak? Has it been a flu of the soul or am I ready to move forward.
My old boss David found me on Facebook around noon today. For those of you that have befriended me on that medium can see a few new pics I finally got around to uploading. Ah but back to David. Maybe he wasn't a teacher but he took me places and was and IS one of the most influential people in my life. I gave him a ring and we spent three hours just hashing out where we've been and where we're going and I'm just so grateful and encouraged to get passionate and really fight for what I want in life instead of just wading it out and not really being comfortable in my skin much less my life.
Ah...and the crossdresser. Well, he wanted boundaries and I gave them to him and now it's too much "work" for him. I yelled at him for letting Sirena get on the couch after a bath and he stormed off to work the second half of his shift. I'm on the phone with the Scene Girl and he comes in storms to the "man room" with a case of beer and I guess he's looking for the answers to his rebellion in nine inch nails songs. I don't need the friction in my home. I really don't. You want me to treat you like a girl? Act like one. Don't back off into boy mode when you're pissed or whatever. So childish. I love Jeanie but he's being a pain. I try to talk him down but why? He's being a spoiled child I don't recognize right now. I'm sick of riding around on three wheels. I'm always trying to fix something. It makes me want to run away and start from scratch right now. Why wait? I'm broke down someplace off the highway anyways.
Fuck.....

Recovery on the Big Red Couch

2009-10-06T18:01:00.000-07:00

On Friday, I had my gall bladder removed.
I have a few gallstones to prove it but I won't gross anyone out with pictures although there are a few that have gotten pics sent to their phones. Jeanie was totally freaked out by the whole hospital scene and didn't want to see my cuts and bruises so it's funny that Cousin David picked up a nurse costume today. I've spent most of my recovery time playing farkle and picking out a Halloween costume. Jeanie thinks we should match but forget it. That's too hard. I found a really great naughty cop costume. It's too much to resist.
I love Halloween. It's my favorite holiday; always has been. I think for the rest of the month I'll blog about some of my favorite Halloweens and spooky experiences.
Since I'm a B- in health, I'll go back to work tomorrow. Not because I want to. I have to. I want to pay off the debts and kick back money. My heart is still set on starting fresh in Virginia. I miss the boys way too much and I'm just spinning silly circles at my job. I've carved out a notch for myself but what good is it? I'm always one pay check from broke and the benefits?
My insurance sucks. How can I live in the wealthiest country in the world and find myself in a sales pitch over getting my gall bladder out? What they didn't expect from your girl was a water work spectacle that would have put anyone down for the count. I'm strong but I'm not afraid to pretend to be vulnerable to get things in motion. They wanted 500. They settled with 200 and a promise to make payments. The hospital can expect a spotchy check every month until they are paid off. They pissed me off when some gal named Nadine called and said that while they are a non-profit hospital and I qualified for 90% off, I should bring in a check the day of my surgery to show them I was a good person. I asked her why didn't I just bring in a kidney.
I'm a bottom feeder and that makes no sense to me. I don't feel like one. I get pissed and act like Rusty Dennis but I don't particularly act like one. I'm kind and warm and passionate and yet-not quite getting where I want to be and that's where I am. I'm tired of surviving. I want to thrive and prosper and live to 100. I want to leave a mark and for someone to remember me 500 years after I'm gone. I've always felt that I had a grand purpose and maybe everyone thinks that but I'd like to prove myself right.
It takes courage.
I'm not scared anymore.

Revisions

2009-09-29T05:02:00.000-07:00

I went back to work yesterday.
It was fast and easy. Maybe too easy. The boss was so nice to me that it freaked me out. Despite the fact I often feel overlooked and taken for granted I truly believe someone doesn't think I am and let him know so. He's a spoiled child. I don't believe for a second that he was that kind because he has a heart. He even gave me the $100 for being top sales support in August. It's two weeks late but it showed up.
Today I meet with the surgeon. None of the women in my family have their gall bladders. These days it's an out patient surgery. I remember going to sit with Sadie at the hospital when she had hers out in the 80's. Back then you were in the hospital for a few days so I'm sure she would tell me to be grateful.
My last blog gave the impression I was looking to get all inked out. I'm bit too far gone for that. That's a 20 something behavior to me but a prize showed up in the mail that I cannot wait to try on. I ordered some tattoo panty hose with the amazon gift card the boys gave me for my birthday. I put my hand in one just to get a feel for the look and it's great. A great illusion. I have to make sure that the Scene Girl doesn't see them! It's bad enough that the Crossdresser has. She says "I can't wait to take pictures in those!"
And does she love pictures. She especially loves to take pictures when I do her hair and make up. She must have thousands of photos. She takes all these photos and makes all of these videos without rhyme or reason and yet maybe one day she'll think to compile them and share them with others. I think it would make a great tale.
Our girlfriend Manji came over Saturday night. She finds our relationship curious and we try to answer the obvious questions. Like her boyfriend made the assumption that Jeanie grew up without a father. The fact is he grew up with a great dad and a stay at home mom and a house full of sisters and love. I think the assumptions are there because crossdressers are so private and protected. I often think that's part of the fun somehow when I would think it would be the opposite. I know that when Jeanie and I first met he rarely dressed outside his apartment but I changed all of that. I forced him out and then it became something he wanted to take further and further. We've went out fully dressed to restaurants, clubs, shopping...there are still a few limits. Gee is all guy at work and around my family though most know that he crossdresses.
I've been dressing up and taking photos since 7th grade. It never occured to me that all girls haven't experienced this but Manji has not so I didn't just dress up Jeanie this weekend but also got the chance to pull out a lot of diva in Manji. I love drawing out someone's beauty with shading and color.

I wish I had photos of Jeanie from this weekend but I didn't upload them on my laptop.

Coloring outside of the Lines

2009-09-26T05:57:00.000-07:00

When I grow up, I wanna be a suicide girl. Last night, the Crossdresser and I watched The First Tour. I was so turned on and inspired at the same time. What gorgeous creatures! I love the unapologetic nature of their sexuality. As it would could should be. I had no choice but to order myself a couple of wigs including a blue one. When I was a little girl, I always colored barbie's hair blue in the coloring books. I wish I had asked why. I just thought it was pretty. It is pretty.

I called Cousin David and Mark this morning. Our friend George is visiting. They are hitting Gay Pride and late they plan to see Percy Sledge. My Daddy sent word to them that they shouldn't get excited until he makes it on stage. He paid nice money to see him sing in the 70s and he was too drunk to be worth the trip there.

Mark got on the phone and asked if I was really going to move in with them. I told him yes. He said my room would be across the hall from his. He's a silly sweet thing who likes to remind me that he'll do and say anything while on ambien. He tried to like girls until one almost came in front of him which he found extremely traumatising. I think he should have found it traumatising that he was already engaged and had YET to see her cum. He said that my resume received a good response from Human Resources at his Government Job. I told him I had kick ass skills. He said "Yeah. That's what they thought at Popeye's. I put you in for a Chicken Fry Job." I'm going to mail him a pair of dirty panties for that one.

I feel free in thought and clear in vision for the first time in a long time. Our only limits are the ones that we set for ourselves and I refuse to have those anymore. Jeanie says I should return to work and act as a Super Hero-flying into the President's office and demanding change for the spotty ants on the ground. It doesn't take a sparkly word from Gorgeous Girl to know that this is divine and true for me. I cannot go without speaking out for those without voice. It might help. It might not. I will do what I feel to be fair and honorable.

Today I won't think about it. I will think of feeling better. I will shop for fruit and wine and other things crossdressers can devour. Later we might go out for dinner with her boss. She'll wear boy clothes but even then she just looks like a tomgirl. I see the girl even when the girl isn't trying. I should resent the fact that as a straight woman, I will never be attracted to men again but instead I just feel completely loved.

Hometown Angst

2009-09-25T04:40:00.000-07:00

When I'm confused about my direction, I always go thumbing a ride to Childhood drive. I truly believe that we are born knowing and our true sense of direction is known more at four than at forty. I don't think that four year old would be entirely disappointed in me. I've done a lot of cool things that mirrored my childhood games. In those games, I was always going to far away places I read about in books and heard about on Sadie's "Program" (also known as All My Children).

I spent years in far away places like Chicago, San Diego, Washington DC, and such. My roots and accent were never lost but my wings became less strong. I suffered a breaking of the heart and a little girl asked to have both her parents in one silly place and I gave into that. Selflessness is important and now that same child has chosen to live with the other parent. Last night Cousin David reminded me that I told her once that if she ever left that I was "so out of here!!!" And I am. I'm done with North InACarol.

My lessons are learned here and I'm leaving without a debt. All of my bills are living expenses. There is absolutely nothing holding me back except myself. The Crossdresser says she would follow me anywhere and she's the only one I owe anything to.

I miss the Boys a lot. Cousin David and Mark have expressed their desire for me to start fresh with them in Richmond, Virginia and this is my new goal. I have to get this surgery out of the way. We'll give notice, find boxes and start fresh.

It's decided.

Lorcet

2009-09-23T03:12:00.000-07:00

Last week I turned 37.
I spent the day on my red couch crunching lorcets.
That food poisoning wasn't food poisoning. I have a contracted gall bladder with multiple stones that's just dying to come out. I meet with a surgeon on the 29th. My younger sister got rid of her gall bladder out at 30 so it's not really an age thing and yet the whole ordeal makes me feel so old. I am all bloated, crampy and tired in my high heel shoes with the taste of death in my mouth. Everytime it comes about it scares me. What if it's more than a bad gall bladder?
The other day I was in Walmart and I saw myself in my favorite shorts and pink Cadillac t-shirt shopping. My hair was in a bad pony tail and there I was pushing a cart around the baby section. I've seen myself on the road before-in cars I used to own or will own one day but never out shopping looking like I don't care. I disappeared around an aisle looking for dog food and I didn't chase myself for answers. As I read over this paragraph I realize I might not explain this as a time warp but rather as losing my mind.
And if I do lose my mind, it's surely to be expected. I used to kick ass at work. I felt good about what I did and how I did it but now I just want out. I even went as far as to march into Human Resources and submit my two week notice but they wouldn't accept it. An evil has entered my department and has the black girls anointing themselves with oil and calling on Jesus. I'm supposed to bring in more people and I see them all desperate for a job. They come in wearing their best clothes and tarnished smiles and I want to help them out. Instead they sit there for hours waiting for Evil to judge them and maybe he'll put them to work but any money will go to his paycheck while they will work 6 days a week chasing a check that will never be what was promised. It's the millennium cubical chain gang and I hate it. I'm too old for this. I don't want to answer for it when Jesus shows up for the black girls.
I told Human Resources that it plays with my humanity and they probably did me a short term favor. I need the health insurance but I promise I will leave when they remove my diseased parts and prove that I wont die but ugly away like the people before me have. I miss feeling good about what I do. I miss making a difference for someone instead of giving them the keys to the same chains of regrets I have around my fat ankles.
May our burdens bring us wings and may I shit on their cars as I fly away.

Rambling upon Rambling

2009-09-09T03:11:00.000-07:00

In the rain forests of South America, or the remaining unspoiled lands of Africa, all have reverential positions for the transsexuals that are born to them. In such societies, Transsexuals are considered magical, kin to the gods or spirits, and possessed of shamanic powers.

I often make reference to the Crossdresser resembling Jesus but it's not just physical. The Crossdresser is a true embodiment of all that I know to be pure and God like. The Crossdresser is a manifestation of my prayers from my earliest times.

A few months ago, my daughter left me for another parent. I put it this way and everyone laughs but my whole identity was shattered when she told me that she wanted to be in her Father's world not mine. For fourteen years, I was a mother and she was my fiercely top priority. Jeanie felt it was because of his crossdressing. We both fell prey to the notion that dressing should only be done when The Scene Girl wasn't around but it didn't matter. Not really. She chose to leave anyway. I raised her to be independent and free thinking. Did I truly believe she wouldn't try those wings out?

She spent the weekend and the tension was great. She always finds fault in Jeanie where I can find none but the negativity is smuggled into my being just the same. I strive to love them both at the same time but someone is always neglected. It's like trying to make it rain and build a fire at the same time.

I took the Scene Girl back to her new found home. It's not surprising that soon after returning to my home, I fell ill. I shook with a fever and my body soon became foreign with demon like vomiting and convulsion. I saw blue spots everywhere and fell in and out of consciousness with my eyes wide open. Jeanie and the Doggess hovered around me and I would shoo them away. I didn't want them to experience this dark funk illness. There were moments where I thought it would not end. My body was not my own and I thought I might be preparing to leave it for good. It was when I let go of my urge to cling to my being that I came back into my own.

I had to call in sick. This was once a pleasant thing. This was when I felt secure that my hard work and effort allowed for moments of down time. These days I am not secure nor is my hard work and effort revered. A lone gunman with a little boy pout has polluted my work space with contempt and greed. Suddenly he is the only one who counts and I know this cannot continue. I have known enemies and I have learned from them. I always learn from them. Historically, I only deal with them in three month windows. Like a season only to reap a harvest afterwards and once again feel peace.

This time, I wonder if I will be the one to walk or will he. Either way, I know that one of us will and I am ready to prepare for departure. Perhaps it's time to go. I am not thrilled to be in the presence of someone who makes me feel I can be disposed of for missing one day of work. I know that this is in part due to my own sense of responsibility but it doesn't excuse it as being right.

Where will I go? What will I do? The economy screams for us to stay in one place but perhaps it is like my demon illness. Maybe if I let go of my fear, my fears will give way to something more substantial. I hate writing my resume. I've been working on it for over a week.

I look to Jeanie. Jeanie is true to herself and life leans in her favor. What would my life be if I gave into my true self rather than true insecurities? Often I feel I am not true to anything. I am acting, pretending, and choosing my battles a little too wisely?

The hour is lurking with only an eye open. I am filled with dread at returning to work. I think to call a coworker to learn what is awaiting me. I feel weak. Often others turn to me for solace and I wish I had someone to turn to in that way. I long for a brand new opportunity that would welcome my gifts.

They say that today is auspicious: 9-09-09. Today would have been my Sweet Sadie Jane Simpson Ashworth's 98th birthday and I miss her so. Perhaps I'll pour coffee into her navy coffee cup and call on Cousin David to help me remember her.

The Tallest Woman I'd Ever Seen

2009-08-29T05:45:00.000-07:00

On September 3, my Nanna has cataract surgery. I've taken the day off in hopes I can help her be comfortable. I think I might take the opportunity to tell her about The Crossdresser. She knows him. Of course she knows him. She makes it a point to call him by his given name every chance she can and my heart swells every time. She says it with a wonderful reverence. It was her brother's name, the one who died when he was only 20.

Nanna was the one who told me that there were men who liked to wear dresses in the first place. I was eight years old. Nanna opened a sewing and alteration business when I was a baby. Her Mother was bed ridden and sewing was a way that they spent time together. The business did well and customers came from as far as Raleigh for her expertise with a needle and thread. In the back of her shop, she set up a magical room for my sister and I with our own sewing machines, boxes full of dress up clothes from the 40s as well as wigs from old aunties. I learned to runway in heels in that shop.

One Saturday afternoon, a large woman came in with bolts of shiny material for glamorous evening gowns. After she left, I told Nanna that she was the tallest woman I had ever seen! Nanna said she didn't think her customer was a woman in any kind of traditional sense. The customer called a month later and said her brother would be picking up the dresses. The same luxury car pulled up but a man in a suit picked up the dresses after inspecting them with incredible knowledge of dresses. He gave my Nanna a $100 tip and said his sister would be so pleased. Many large ladies showed up after that wanting fabulous dresses of their own.

Nanna never looked upon this as strange or wrong. People are as different as the dresses she made. I have always respected Nanna for respecting people for their individuality and yet, she is probably the only person in my family who is not aware of this special attribute in my Soul Mate which is kind of strange since she probably knows more Crossdressers than anyone in my family.

I have never wished that Jeanie would have showed up earlier. I am aware that my life was filled with many lessons and experiences that would later prepare me for being a Crossdresser's girlfriend.

Love is never late.

Love is always right on time.

I'm a better person for being a Crossdresser's girlfriend.

In ways, I feel I've outgrown current circumstance and long to live bolder and brighter than I ever could have before Jeanie.

I'm just waiting for that psychedelic school bus to arrive at the corner to take me to the next fantastic destination.

I long for positive change.

For me.

For you.

I'm Not Above Bitch-Slapping a Drag Queen

2009-08-23T17:01:00.000-07:00

When I wrote my last blog, I didn't realize I was angry.

It felt like a flesh wound, but obviously it went much deeper.

I was angry, but what has had me tiffed was not mentioned in the blog at all.

Friday Night, I watched my Crossdresser experience discrimination for the first time.

I should tell you that I fell in love with Gee as Jeanie: This far-away Crossdresser who expressed her inner Diva in You Tube Videos I found when I searched "Crossdresser Girlfriend". I was dating another Crossdresser at the time and was searching out a mirror of sorts. What I found was my Soul Mate and I watched their story expressed in about two hours worth of videos. I didn't know this was what I was watching at the time. I only knew I was fascinated and quite envious of the girlfriend who appeared in some of the videos. I was envious AND critical. I could feel that she was uncomfortable in her participation. It wasn't a good fit for her and I pitied Jeanie for not having more support.

A couple of days later I ran into Jeanie's myspace page through JeniferX, another youtube crossdressing great. When I added Jeanie, she sent a comment and we began emailing one another with sweet abandon of all the rules of communication between strangers. I learned that Jeanie and the girlfriend had broken up months before. I was intrigued and attracted but no one could have told me that it could be anything more than that. Jeanie was all the way in New York and I couldn't imagine that she would ever be happy in the south.

For the most part, I have been pleased with the way Jeanie has been recieved by my friends and community. The fear that Jeanie had in going out as a girl quickly vanished. It didn't take long before Jeanie would go out most anywhere although full on girl was always a little more easy at parties and at my favorite gay club.

I am probably the gayest straight woman out there; a real fag hag only rivaled by maybe Madonna and Margaret Cho whom I adore for reflecting my absolute adoration at the sweet company of gay males. I love drag shows and a few float about my social circle although usually not in drag. They look more like pretty boys who have been forced into feminizing in a prison setting. Friday night they were out in full make up and their best wigs for amateur night. Most are regular acts and served as judges.

It was not part of our agenda to enter Gee in the show. For as long as we've been together we've talked about it but I think she saw her moment and just went with it in what I refer to as one of her Church camp blouse and skirt get ups.

The Queens gave her a song she didn't know and slung her in the 7th and final slot. I was so nervous. In my mind I was reeling with what I would have done to help her prepare if I'd only known that she was going to do it but the show goes on, right?

She took that stage and gave it everything she had. Was she the best? No but was she all girl? Absolutely. From the stage she looked like a secretary who was letting loose at Karaoke with her girlfriends. She was beautiful and outrageous and shockingly comfortable. Dollars flew around and I loved her so much more.

She didn't place. My favorites didn't place at all. If they looked remotely natural, they didn't place no matter how good they performed. It was like an ugly gay boy pageant and that's what pissed me off. It was almost as if she was penalized for being straight and not having to wear a wig.

Well, she's not done. I am going to get totally behind her and make the Drag Queens look silly. Nothing appeals to me more than to watch the under girl win and she will. I have all sorts of images dancing in my head but none of the images conform to typical drag queen rules. What will that do for the other crossdressers in the world? Somebody needs to kick that door in and I'm wearing the high heel that can do it.

This is when I wish there was a community to call upon. There isn't one. Crossdressers have remained so illusive. They've remained a dirty secret when there is nothing dirty about it at all. There are so many crossdressers I love and admire. I would strut them all out of main street if they were my girls...even if they were not. Instead they live in fear of leaving the comfort of their own homes. Some don't even know that pleasure. I hate photos taken in hotel rooms. They are so sad and depressing to me and this is WHY it's the dirty secret. They are truly the 2 percenters.

Don't get me wrong about the gay community. If it were not for the gay community, Jeanie and I would have very little social interaction at all. There were those there that saw how special she truly is. So many people made it a point to tell her she was great even if she was snubbed by the "real" drag queens. For Jeanie it was a dream come true. For me it wasn't. I saw the prejudice attitudes and it's in my very nature to determine to destroy them.

I will. One Drag Show at a time...

No Club I'd Belong TO

2009-08-22T23:04:00.000-07:00

The Sweet Finds of a Crossdresser's Girlfriend.

With a title like that, you kind of box yourself into a transsexual corner, dontcha?

Hell yes, you do!

I've tried to get away with a few other topics but mostly I talk about Gee.

Sometimes she a girl and sometimes he's a real guy and I love Gee just the same.

I began this blog in hopes of finding more chics like me.

There are none.

We're out there on a limb and it's shaking, Baby.

I've become addicted to a few bloggers out there. I don't comment a lot mostly because fuck it I have nothing to compare against your equation. You don't get me either so we're even. If you really wanna be a woman : PULL UP YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND GET ON WITH IT! I don't feel sorry for you and neither should you! Everybody is born broken. We're all aliens trying to find home inside ourselves. You are no different.

I definitely live an alternative lifestyle but I'm not a member of the trans community. I didn't love anyone by default. I'm not above plastic surgery but I want more not less. I have a girlfriend with a righteous cock and it will stay that way until never notice.

This week I got an email asking me to comment on their blog. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!!! I thought it was incredibly rude since this blogger makes it a point to say they've been reading my blog but you think I've gotten any comments? NO! Not one in probably...well maybe ever. Shame on you. I would be less insulted if you asked for a hand job since you bought me dinner. Just for the record, I gave a hand job. It will be my last. I promise.

I think I'd like to have a blog that is more revealing of all that I am instead of what I am not.

Brad Pitt for Mayor

2009-08-15T10:36:00.001-07:00

If Brad Pitt becomes the Mayor of New Orleans, I'm moving.
No ifs, ands or buts.
I can't be bothered to explain why.
Google it.
I just needed to state that.
It's very good to state things.
Words have power but more to the point, giving thoughts efflected voice bring about the birth of blessings.
In other words, it makes all your wildest dreams come true.
These days I hear it being called The Law of Attraction.
My people were quicker to call it, "Speaking it into Existence".
Life is good these days for the Crossdresser and Me and the floppy eared Imperial Goddess.
We have peace and quiet when we want it.
We wake up together and set about adventures.
We eat sushi and play girlfriends and watch True Blood together.
I make her wear a maid uniform when She cleans the house.
She pulls at my toes for as long as I want.
We work a lot but next paycheck I owe noone and can buy a Miata if I want.
It's red and a convertible just like I talked about.
I want Mandy to move in with us.
I feel this need to protect her and bring her about just like I always talked about.
I feel I have outgrown my job.
I want to start fresh and use all that I have learned about people and find a new place to rule.
I dreamed I seduced a short haired red-haired 19 year old. I knew she was too young but I could not resist playing with her on my knees while she layed sprawled on her bed. It was over much too fast.
I dreamed I hung out with MY Company President and two nights later I walked into a Wine Bar and there He was. I have great admiration for him. He's not quite human to me. That's probably a dangerous perspective. I've done this in the past only to be disappointed to learn people really are ...just people. They are capable of the same fucked-up behavior as you display and it gets you in the pit of your peach fuzzy heart.
I have taken off my birthday for the first time since I began at my job.
I also took a week off in October to gallivant off to finish unfinished business.
Only I realized lately that the unfinished business IS done.
It's over and there's nothing to run off to work on.
I'm also thinking that my job is to go out in new directions.
I'd like to end up someplace new and unguarded.
I want to find a yard to run and play and go inside when the street lights come on.
I liked California.
Chicago but there's nothing left to do there.
Gia doesn't like Florida while it suited me just fine.
I want to be closer to Cousin Mark and David.
I want to jump in the Miata and meet them for coffee.
Today they stopped in.
We ate Veggie pizza and I explained why I know I'm much older now.
Physical changes have began and I'm okay with that.
It's alright if you hold it up to the light just right.
Thursday night I painted pottery and told the girls what it's like to live with a crossdresser.
I never know who I'm coming home to.
I might find Jesus. I might find Angelina Jolie.
Either way I win.
Brad Pitt for Mayor of New Orleans!

Cross Dresser has Blue Balls

2009-08-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

There's a great scene in the thirteenth minute of Mr Magorium's wonder emporium where a little boy goes into a dressing room with a little red toy soldier costume and comes out dressed as a princess! I thought I'd find it on YouTube for sure but no. I still have to tell you about it. I like this movie a lot!

So tonight, she tells me that her panties are not fitting so well.

She asks if balls get bigger.

I tell her that's blue balls.

"You just need LOVE!" I say.

She flips her hair and over her shoulder she says, "It's okay. I don't mind. I always want to..you know...but it's okay if we don't."

She says it in such a way that I want to put the I in the quote in lower case. I love that bashful and blushing girl at Bible Camp demeanor of hers.

I love that when people speak of my cross dresser that they never refer to a specific sex. No her or him or man or woman. Just person. Just a beautiful soul.

This week I got the invitation of all invitations. A group of gals asked me to join them on their "Girls Night Out". Shelly asked in an email after she apologized for sending me a reference she met at a bar who won't stop calling for an interview who I found a serious rap sheet when I poked around in his background! I called her a lush and voila! She asks me to go on the outing. One by one, each of the gals came to my desk and told me how excited they were to have me come along. The event is POTTERY followed by Irish Drinking. I asked if my boyfriend could come if he wore a dress. They unequivocally said, "YESSSSSSS!" And they would, because long ago I made it a point to surround myself with colorful charismatic creatures rubber banded together with love and understanding and pink shoe strings.

I'm off to watch more mr magorium's wonder emporium and make love to a man in a dress.

Good Night, Sweet Girl.

Tori Amos

2009-08-02T11:32:00.000-07:00

The CrossDresser went to a Tori Amos concert on Friday night. Adam had an extra ticket and I am not a fan. I find her mystical and dig on some of her phrases, but I haven't fallen for her as so many people in my circle have. After the concert they stood in the rain for two hours hoping to see her board the tour bus. She never did.

"If she had asked me to get on the bus, would it have been okay?"

Finally. Sweet Girl finally admitted to being attracted to another woman.

Personally, I find these things healthy while not quite identifying any current crushes of my own. There is a guy at work but I've been fond for years so I consider him to be unfinished business. We almost had a thing until he learned his ex girlfriend was pregnant. I respect him for resuming the relationship though I'm aware that it's far from a happily ever after. I think it's mostly physical though. Lust in a pink haze. When we talk I get bored.

Nothing boring about Gia though we don't have a need to talk all the time. Sometimes we just yell across the house to check in with one another. When she isn't home-I miss her crazy. It's a relaxing day with Gia coming home and Adam on the way.

Adam is my favorite straightest gay friend ever. He surrounds himself with straights while I surround myself with gays. It's a hoot. He's coming over to catch up on True Blood. He just moved into a new apartment with a new love (but that's a complicated story) and he doesn't come over as often as I wish he would.

When he does I'm always inspired to burn incense and cook exotic dishes. It's a perfect day to enjoy what I have. Tomorrow I can aspire to all that I want. Today I am grateful for love and peace and sweet leisure.

I wanted to go blond but now I'm not so sure.

Maybe I should keep the scarlet.

Like Tori. (wink)

Relax

2009-08-01T10:37:00.000-07:00

I'm always busy reinventing myself and occasionally I suffer from growing pains. I set such high expectations on myself and it's exhausting. I'm tired. Last night Gia said, "Do us all a favor and just relax a minute."
Who is us?
The thing is I could be better.
I just know I could and I don't mind pushing myself in that direction if I could just stay on track and not get lost...not get frustrated.
The one grand area I have no problem with is with Gia and therefore, I will meet her request.
I will relax for a minute.

Working Girl

2009-07-19T13:21:00.000-07:00

I love the new Louis Vuitton ad campaign with Madonna. Isn't she spectacular? She's a grand believer in always recreating yourself and that is what I want for myself. I never want to stop growing. I never want to stop learning.

My Little House Pet has become quite a working girl. She now has two jobs: one in retail where we get a fabulous discount and the other at a Golf Course. She and I are both working as much as possible right now; at least until the end of the year. Fabulous Christmas and a Happy New Year with Sweet Gia's Birthday in between.

She's enjoying wine and strutting about in my long black evening dress and gloves with rhinestones.

I haven't taken the girl out in quite some time. I think we are long overdue due for a night out with the boys.

Back to Eating Cat Food

2009-07-16T17:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday you didn't miss a lot.
I binged on carbs and was absolutely nasty and rude to anyone that would hold still.
Except Gia.
She missed the wrath maybe because I pity her as she gives up cigarettes.
Maybe it was because she looked like a smokin' hot pink ballerina.
I never know who will show up to dinner and I don't want to know.
It's such a thrill to see what she'll choose to wear.
I'm back on track with my diet though I have no energy for exercise.
I've worked 12 hour days for most of the week and I'm so tired!
I purchased the P90X but haven't began the process yet.
It's slightly intimidating but I'm up for it.
A girl should constantly reinvent herself.
It's important for me to never stop growing, testing limits or allowing myself too much comfort.
I find it odd because Gia puts no rules on me at all.
She asks for little and yet the lack of provocation seems to ...well, provoke me.
I don't imagine that going back to a traditional relationship with a typical male would suit me.
Of course, this one isn't always easy.
I've had to stretch her a few areas but compared to some out there, I have an easy cross dresser.
Oooh....she just came out in a pale pink top and a sensible knee length skirt with heels.
She looks like she might be going to bible study.
I love when the church girl comes out to play.

Yay!

2009-07-14T06:13:00.000-07:00

This morning I colored my hair a deep black cherry. I would love to be assisted in this, but Gia always looks like a Sim in distress when I ask her for help. She's great at somethings and there are other things I've learned that there's just not a need to bother.

All in all, she's easy to please.

All in all, I think it's easy to please each other.

She's my best friend ever.

Tonight I came home to find her dressed like a perfect gymnast in a hot pink tank top and purple shorts standing in the kitchen cooking my dinner. If I had a cock, I am sure I would have gotten an erection.

And that's part of it, isn't it? Being a crossdresser's girlfriend allows me to explore my deeply masculine, peculiarly strong dominant places that perhaps, a traditional relationship would not afford me.

As a Crossdresser's Girlfriend, I have discovered that I am the bravest gal I know. What I once feared, has already been met and overcome. I finally believe that there is NOTHING I can't do. Do you know how sweet a freedom that carries love in its mouth tastes like? I do...

Wish my Girl luck.

She decided to quit smoking today.

Make Up Video of The Crossdressers Girlfriend Nov 08

2009-07-11T17:00:00.000-07:00

My Sexy Mute Angel

2009-07-11T14:46:00.000-07:00

Perfect

2009-07-10T01:30:00.000-07:00

As I struggle to shed one more layer of skin, my Gorgeous Girl refrained from telling me that she is 5'10 and 147 pounds. She's absolutely perfect in splendid dimension and when I learned just how perfect, I chased her around the house and yelled out obscenities. God love a girl who can keep from gloating. She is so supportive. The pantry is always packed with fresh foods and she prepares all of my meals even rising to make the ones I must have at work. Such a doll. I can't imagine life without her or how I ever got along before she showed up. All I know for sure is that I hope to never go a day without her love and want to share all I have with her.

Disguise

2009-07-09T04:26:00.001-07:00

There's a chick at work whom I first thought looked like Jada Pickett Smith with a hat. Now I watch her scuttle, manipulate and con realizing all done in a hat I realize she's a bug hiding her antennas with that fucking hat. I am very Zen; I don't mention it but I'm careful not to allow her to touch me. She's always trying to touch me but I don't allow it but she's a parasite ...kind of like Ray's art.

Last night I had a very adolescent dream. I dreamed I was with a childhood friend and I peed myself in front of her whole family. I had nothing to change into and I was seeing Nikki Sixx who had bought a car from me....my first car an 88 Beretta gt which he had turned into something righteously his own. Don't ask. Nikki is a frequent flyer in my dreams. Lady Gaga recently remarked that she loved boys who looked like girls and remarked that all of her boyfriends looked like Nikki Sixx. We should all be so lucky.

The Crossdresser announced that he would no longer be in male clothing except at work and for occasional family gatherings. I think she expected to be met with slight opposition but I didn't. That's fine. She's gorgeous as a boy or a girl. I love to watch her in the kitchen as she cooks my breakfast in a nightie. I wish I could paint. I should at least take photos.

She's gorgeous and life is beautiful.

Dead People and Groupies

2009-07-06T16:48:00.000-07:00

I am reading, "no death, no fear" by Thich Nhat Hanh.

The author is a Buddhist Monk.

He says that most of us are already dead.

When we don't live in the moment we are dead.

Even if we are turning around to look at the past or making plans for the future, we are dead.

So all day, I tried to live in the moment.

He suggests saying, "I have arrived. I am finally home."

I did this but it was still hard for me not to daydream about blond hair and my miata.

It's hard to get all jacked up about a day spent in the office and then it occurs to me that I might not be where I am meant to be.

But if I'm not enjoying the current moment...doesn't that make me dead?

I'm trying to figure out this living business.

All I really know is that I went a whole day without speaking ill of anything or anyone.

I made an attempt to be kind and thoughtful and I succeeded.

It felt good.

The Crossdresser and I have groupies.

Yes, friends.

It's true.

There are those that seek us out for what I cannot say. I'm not sure.

Not separately.

They want the package deal.

Is it even possible to want us both?

The Crossdresser and I are like night and day.

How can someone fancy us both?

I'm thinking they want one of us and long to be the other.

That's my vibe on it.

I'll keep you posted.

For now, I'll finish my green tea and admire the hot pink shorts the Crossdresser put on after work.

Just The Facts, Ma'am

2009-07-05T10:12:00.000-07:00

I am still in love with a Crossdresser.

Sometimes I come home to Angelina Jolie. Sometimes I come home to Jesus. Either way I win.

I gave up cigarettes, sugar, and caffeine.

There is power in purity once you lose the compulsion to kill people.

I lost 15 pounds.

By my birthday, I hope to be a hot mess with blond hair and a red Miata.

I've been watching a lot of porn.

It turns me on if the girls are pretty and the men are old, unattractive and seem desperate.

I wrote a letter to my mother and told her I forgave her.

My daughter and Sadie my dog left me for another parent.

She shows up when she needs stuff.

I have completely spoiled Sirena-she is no longer dog but an Imperial Goddess.

I'm studying Buddhism.

Since giving up my bad habits I no longer fear death.

I rock at work.

Finally I am seen as more of an element than an employee.

I have a new favorite artist named Ray Caesar.

There are a few theories behind his work but mostly I like to think they are not children-but parasites.

I love Lady Gaga.

Crossdresser's Girlfriend is 30% Lady Gaga, 70% Margaret Cho minus hot Asian attributes.

I'm dying to make out with someone strange and cheeky.

When are you coming over?

Crossdressers Girlfriend Meets Monk

2009-05-18T16:45:00.000-07:00

This morning, I met Buddhist Monks on the way to work.

I had to stop and say hello.

They are actually my neighbors. There is a monastery across the street from my subdivision and while I felt a strong energy there, I would have never dreamed that it was filled with Buddhist Monks!

I was invited to visit their temple which I would very much like to do. I'm thinking I should bring them a gift but what do you give Monks?

Maybe it's the robes but I was thinking I could take them a bag of oranges.

Strange Trip |t's Been

2009-05-16T04:07:00.000-07:00

I apologize for my self mutalation in my last blog.
I was having a moment: tantrums come far less as one gets older but the few are far worse and last longer. I was also giving up an old habit so I'm not sure how much was tantrum and how much was withdrawl. It's hard to say anymore. My perception is changing wildly. After giving up pot, I thought I might like to give up all the vices so I gave up cigarettes this week. It's mostly about changing up routine and I feel much better for it. It's like starting all over again and having to figure it out.
The Crossdresser is growing breasts. I don't know what those vitamins from Taiwan do, but they do because the Crossdressers breasts are growing! It's funny because he's been all butch for weeks now. It doesn't really matter. We were grocery shopping and he was full on boy but I watched people stare at him the same way they do when he's wearing lipstick and pink. It's no different. I think it's because he's just as ;pretty and some things you just can't hide.
He seems happy enough but I"m worried he might get depressed but there seems to be a season as far as crossdressers are concerned. I want Jeanie to be happy; I don't care how he chooses to be happy.
Last night was the first night we've slept away from one another in months. It's not easy being 13. I left work early yesterday and the Scene Girl and I hit the road and landed on the coast of Carolina . Sometimes it's nice when someone drops everything just to spend time with you. I think the gesture is having a wonderul effect on her mood...and mine too.
Later we'll have breakfast and go to the beach. I am hoping to find sea glass and other wonders for my jewelry. The Scene Girl wants to take pictures for her portfolio. She has a great eye. I can appreciate the way she sees the world.
I think I smell coffee downstairs.
I miss Jeanie...

Old Queen

2009-05-11T03:33:00.000-07:00

I say I'm not mad; I'm just an old queen.

Jeanie asks what's an old queen.

He then googles it.

That's it. That's an old queen. I resemble the phrase. I definitely look like the photo.
And that's really okay.

It's not exactly like losing my looks; more like I'm gaining another look.
I am not a little girl anymore.

I am not twenty-something.

Iam closer to 40 than 30 and I am an old queen.

Just like Pamela Sue and Cher and Melanie Griffith and a whole bunch of other women that I think are smoking hot.
As I throw in the high heels and burgundy lips, I have been quite busy creating other things of beauty.

First I took an ugly old brown dresser found on the side of the road and turned it into a punky place for the Scene Girl to put her t-shirts and skull n cross bone belts and accessories.

My next project-one that has been time consuming and really fascinating for me has been making jewelry; something I began because the cross dresser found it hard to find good pieces that were not made for genderbenders in mind.

This is a piece fit for a Mermaid's ankle...if Mermaids had ankles. This is an early piece. When I first began I thought of selling my bracelets and earrings and anklets but...now I just enjoy wearing something that was conceived in my mind and doesn't exist anyplace else.

And of course I will offer them to anyone who has a hard time finding jewelry that's the right size and style. Just let me know. I have loads of time now that I won't be in front of the mirror-at least for awhile.

Yawn

2009-05-10T04:44:00.000-07:00

The Crossdressser didn't want to go to Paulie's.
I was okay with that.
The Crossdresser didn't want to get dressed.
I was okay with that.
Only I wanted to dress.
I have no pictures since I went red.
Feeling funky, I dolled the face, rolled the hair, and put on black undies, fishnets and heels.
I asked the Crossdresser to take photos.
The photos were horrible. I can't decide if he just sucks at taking photos or if my looks suck.
I looked fine in the mirror.
This sent me on a tangent of pity.
Where is the balance?
I paint and photo and prance him perfectly.
Why can't he do the same for me?
When I ask him for these simple pleasures he says he can't.
Obviously he will add photos to this list.
The whole thing left me feeling unattractive.
While I like to think I gave up my vanity, I obviously have not.
Maybe I'm just an old queen but I think I will cover the mirrors for a while until I'm ready to shoot some photos -on my own of course.
I've always had to do things on my own.
Moving a Crossdresser in hasn't changed that-not really.

Oh Drats

2009-05-09T11:02:00.000-07:00

My Crossdresser is a ready view and that was lucky for me. While dating another crossdresser, I decided to look up the interaction of crossdressers with their girlfriends-to see if crossdressers even had girlfriends-and there he was. I spent a whole Friday night watching his videos. A couple of days later, I bumped into him on Myspace and the rest is genderblended history...OUR HISTORY.

I openly admit that I don't watch his videos with quite the same diligence as when we first met. I get around to it-love and clap for them-but it might take a week. Today, I wanted to see a video he posted showing a full transition from male to female. I spent 20 minutes searching before we realized his account had been suspended...again!

The funny thing is that he was suspended for the very first video he ever posted which is oh...been on youtube for....like 3 years! Three years later, someone was terribly offended at the belt tied around my Crossdresser's feet. Uh, yeah, he kind of bends that way.

The videos are wildly popular. What's interesting is that besides you tube, the videos are most viewed from my page! Maybe that makes me wildly popular too!

In other weird news, the old friend in the dream showed up about three days later. He asked to call and we spoke in unspecific terms. It was sad to hear that his companies were suffering in these hard times. It was sad to make chit chat with someone I used to tell everything to. I didn't tell him about the Crossdresser and he didn't tell me who he has been keeping time with. Two points of light acknowledging one another from across the Universe. It is best to merely tip hats with those that are Icons in your history. You really don't want to know that life went on or more to the point of life moving on beautifully.

I off to get pretty and pleasing. Paulie called and invited us over for a night of games and drinks. I am all about games and the Crossdresser is excited because I'm going to dress him up like a doll.

Is it strange that I never refer to the crossdresser as SHE or HER or any of that girlie business?

Hot Mama

2009-05-07T10:15:00.000-07:00

On the way to work I got a call that the scene girl wasn't feeling well. I turned around and headed to the middle school. Next year she will be a freshman in high school and I wonder where it all went. I would say that the last few months have been the hardest as a Mother. She has always been walking talking JOY. From the moment she was born she awoke happy and fell asleep content with very little derivative in between. I gave her all my love as only a mother of one child can while giving her a love of fashion flare and a lust for independence sprinkled in wander dust.
Teenage hormones are a bitch.
Suddenly my darling girl has cocked her head with discontent and absolute contempt in her eyes when she is forced to look at me. This is the same child who loved to sit and watch while I put on my face in the morning and when I was through she would say, "You look just like Bella!" That child is being held captive by hormonal angst and I can't save her. Only time will release her and I only hope I'm there to meet her when she makes parole.
I got to the school and made my way up the sidewalk to the administration building. I could hear cat calls coming from the classroom windows but I didn't look. At least...not until a little boy voice yelled, "Hi Scene Girl's Mom!" I stopped in mid-step, waved and said hello back.
When Scene Girl arrived at the office, she told me that all the boys in her class thought I was one hot Mama. She said they all ran to the window to watch me walk down the sidewalk in my clingy dress and heels. When she told them that I was her Mom, her teacher said, "She sure knows how to work it."
This whole scenario pleased her to no end. She said, "We look just alike! If I wore heels and a dress everyday, 8th grade boys would think I was hot too!" For a whole minute she washed me in adoration....this hormonal beast that has locked away my daughter was really digging on the way I could capture attention without even trying and I gave her the certainty that she could do the same.
She might not ever learn to strut but she is one helluva actress. She convinced her teacher to call me when she was perfectly well.

Dreams

2009-05-05T03:46:00.000-07:00

I've almost completed rehab...if you want to call it there. The whole process has gobbled up my time and money just so that my company knows that I am drug free. I will never consider pot a drug. I have lowered my head and allowed them to place the noose of conformity around my neck but I will never truly believe that I am a better person for not smoking up and chilling out. I've merely accepted that I will spend my life sober as a judge; at least until I retire.
The only real change I've noticed as a non-smoker is that my dreams are very vivid. I sometimes see an old friend or dead family member and do not want to wake up. Sometimes in dreams I revert to a way of thinking from an earlier time in my life. Last night I was chasing an old Italian lover of mine-one that I left long ago and far away in Chicago. It took years to get over him and the pain made me draw upon strengths I never knew I had. But in the dream, I was still chasing his love and money like a little girl. In life I ask nothing of anyone but in the dream I was needy, longing and craved every inch of him and somehow now in waking, I feel my heart race and pound for a love that's dead and gone.
With Rich, I was the submissive which is a very different role than I play today. I've erased that part of me and yet I wake from dreams like that and wonder if in some ways I still long to submit my entire being to another. Maybe I miss being carried on someone's shoulders instead of being the one in charge and in demand.

Point of Interest

2009-05-03T16:47:00.000-07:00

My interests vary.
I'm always trying on new ideas and concepts and past times. I try my best to squeeze in those interests between a very busy job and all of my girls at home: 1 teenager, 1 cross dresser and 2 bearded ladies.
It is not easy to do and lately, I haven't had a lot of time to post updates here though there has been just as much to write about.
I can pick and choose my interests but Jeanie cannot.
His pursuit of all things female seems to consume him. Everything revolves around his crossdressing which I've grown to believe is more than just crossdressing. I think he truly longs to be a girl and part of me thinks well, he should be maybe then he could have new interests but I read your blogs and know that isn't true. It never stops. Not really.
For the last week, I've made him dress butch. My daughter has growing pains which those of you that are parents know revolves around hating parental figures. While she wouldn't discuss her issues Jeanie and I decided that he would not dress in front of her for a while. Her mood is better; Jeanie's has grown worse. All weekend he has been moody and terribly sensitive. He recently began using an herbal product from Thailand in hopes of being more feminine and I'm wondering if this is not effecting his moods or maybe it's just the fact that I've inhibited his form of expression.
Life is bumpy but even at its worst it is truly the best of times. I feel so complete in Jeanie's company that even an hour away from him seems too long.

Oh Grandma

2009-04-24T20:58:00.000-07:00

The Crossdresser and I are sitting at the dining room table in shower caps; evoking pictures from my childhood books of the wolf dressed up like Grandma in Little Red Riding Hood. I am trying to get all the black out so I can lay down new tracks. Jeanie is turning into an autumn brunette as we speak-currently about Madonna's song Papa Don't Preach. I tell him it's about a teenage pregnancy while he thinks it's just about Papa approving of her boyfriend. Round and round we go and where we'll stop is anybody's guess. I know I'm SO right and he truly believe he is. It's maddening!

After a week of no or little creative, I made a couple of pairs of beautiful earrings that look like chandeliers. Jeanie is wearing a pair. He says that he feels them dangling and it feels wonderful that he might not take them out. The necklace he is wearing has a medallion of St Joan of Arc on it which I chose in part because of my similar name and part because Joan has to be the Patron Saint of Crossdressers. Don't you think so? Yeah...so....

I'm off to wash the black out of my hair.

Wish me luck!

Good

2009-04-22T15:21:00.000-07:00

I've had a touch of the blues for a few days now. I can only compare it to having PMS: swollen,tired, irritated and quick to say the ugly things I'm usually too kind to say. Only, I don't have PMS. It then occurred to me I felt sort of similar last year as I was preparing to vacation in Orlando. I didn't have a reason to be blue then either. I thought it might be the new meds I'm taking to quit smoking. Today I decided not to take my fat girl pill and felt loads better. I worried I would have the appetite of a lumber jack and zero energy but the opposite was true PLUS I felt my normal self which was wonderful.
I had lunch with Jeanie and Adam. We went to Ten-Ya's for loads of sushi; it was so yum. It's an extravagant treat. I went over my lunch hour but pay it no mind. Today was Admin Day and my boss asked to take me to lunch before I told him that I already had a date. He said, "I don't get turned down on dates" and I replied that I don't usually turn down a date! He got out of buying me lunch, I brought him a lovely Shrimp Bento upon my return and everyone was happy!
Jeanie bit the bullet and finally gave up his NY Drivers License for a New Home State Drivers License and...he did it with perfectly tweased eye brows and makeup! He would have looked totally girl if his hair had not been pulled back in a pony tail. Oh my crossdresser!
He's on the floor-we're half watching Sex and the City movie while I write this and he puts everything into his new pink wallet which fits perfectly into his neutral brown man bag. It's lovely. He's lovely...
I bought a little something as well. After relentless comments-both positive and negative, I have decided to give up my unnaturally black hair. I'm in a restless mood and suddenly, the thought of deep scarlet locks appeals to me. This will be a time consuming process but hopefully it will be worth it. I'm hoping to have it completed before we go to see Collective Soul on Saturday night! It feels good to feel good again...!

I'm not so hard to find

2009-04-21T18:32:00.000-07:00

I am a googler. I google everything. I've googled myself but all I found was a doctor, a real estate agent and Joni Mitchell. I'm not so hard to find though. Search for crossdresser girlfriend and you'll see more of me than you ever wanted to. If I wanted to be anonymous, I didn't succeed. I could cover my tracks but why? I love this crazy life of mine and someone has to share it.

Listed Under Things That Just Aren't Natural

2009-04-20T17:29:00.000-07:00

On Saturday night, we enjoyed a lovely time out with our friend Adam.
The Scene Girl was expected to return on Sunday morning and as I found myself telling Jeanie to remove nailpolish, put on socks, take off that shirt, take off the girl....
He asked why. I told him that The Scene Girl's Aunt was bring her home and would definitely come in. But why? Her Aunt's husband is a total homophobic. Jeanie says, "But I'm not gay." And I said "But you fall into the cracks of that category". Jeanie asks, "I fall into the Gay Category?"
Adam spoke up and said, "You fall into the list of things that just aren't natural."
I felt awful for making him go all butch.
This once shy Crossdresser has found such comfort in his girl mode that I find myself having to tell him how much is too much...the when and why and where and hows of what is cool and what isn't.
Who am I to say?
While The Scene Girl is accepting of Jeanie, I know that she would prefer not to answer questions to the outside world. And Jeanie knows.
It doesn't seem any less wrong to me.
It's funny...I know so many women who are so butch and it's never question. Why can't men be fem and follow under the same columns instead of ending up on dreaded lists of things that just.aren't.natural.....

I got the world by a string

2009-04-18T06:28:00.000-07:00

I love Saturday mornings with nothing particular to do.
Jeanie made pancakes for breakfast while the girls lazed around and I played around with my new laptop.
Last night I discovered Hulu and I'm enjoying watching the two seasons of The Riches starring Eddie Izzard and Minnie Driver. If you haven't caught this show, you must! There are so few shows that portray TS/CD characters and certainly Eddie Izzard is the right person to give you an adorable young character like Sam Malloy.
Spring is here and my mind is climbing with change. My thoughts are introverted in search of improving life as well as myself. I am bored with my job and I'm thinking of searching out new venues. What I would really like to do is set out on my own but the economy is out on a limb and it's shaky. It's probably not a bad idea to keep my foot in the door of something sound and steady.
I am making jewelry; an enjoyable creative process that caught my attention because Jeanie cannot find girly bracelets and anklets that fit. Now if I could only make shoes!

Beside Me

2009-04-15T16:00:00.000-07:00

While I'm not sleeping much these days, my dreams are strange and vivid. I dreamed I traveled to a tropical island where my mother was in the hospital giving birth to twelve babies. I dreamed that I met and fell in love with Jeanie but there were no feminine attributes-not even a single strand of transsexual eroticism but I loved my Jeanie just the same and when I woke up, I thought of how it might be without that aspect. Would I change my crossdresser if I could?
I don't think so. There are social astigmatisms to loving a boy who loves looking like a girl but that's just what other people think about and what other people think isn't any of my business. I'm beyond living a life based on the righteous properties of appearance. Being happy, living authentically and learning something new each day are far more important to me.
I learn a lot from Jeanie. I learn a lot about kindness, compassion, bravery, and love. Time with Jeanie is better than time spent with anyone else which has recently gotten me in trouble. I got a voicemail from Daddy asking me to call him so he would know I was still alive. When I returned the call my Stepmomma Pearl accused me of abandonment and stated that if anyone had died I would not have known. I figure the phone works both ways. It's the same distance from my house to theirs as it is from their house to mine. I really didn't mean to go so long without a visit. It was not intentional; it just happened but being scolded didn't make me change it up. If anything, it made me avoid being treated like I was a child with any further contact.. at least for a while.
People seem to get pissed off if you are too happy. I'm quite certain that people enjoy a little salt in their loved ones though I cannot imagine why.
Further I separate as I cling to the crossdresser. Maybe that tropical island I dreamed about is really where I'm residing and maybe my mother was really me only instead of 12 babies I'm creating jewelry. The whole process of learning techniques that supports the ability to give solidity to what began as just an image in my mind is powerful and totally addictive.
Perhaps giving up pot was a good thing. My clear mind has given way to wonderful new things and I'm grateful.

For Jaye Who Complained about No Shoes!

2009-04-07T23:01:00.001-07:00

Boys in Dresses

2009-04-06T02:32:00.000-07:00

I love boys in dresses.
When I learned that Boy George was indeed homosexual, I made an automatic assumption that boys who enjoyed dresses enjoyed other boys. I was not aware that crossdressers are often straight; this was something I would learn much later. In the mean time, I talked quite a few straight boys into allowing me to dress them up by explaining that it turned me on to make out with a girl and make love to a man.
My ex-husband was one of those men.
He was game for anything that put me into overdrive sexually. I made an 82nd airborne seargent into a really pretty flower. He took one look and went pale beneath the makeup. He asked if I was done and quickly took it all off. It was too much for him.
Later I learned why.
Mark and I made a lot of visits to his hometown in Jacksonville, Florida. His family was colorful, warm and recieving. I was particularly fond of his Grandmother and her husband, Larkin. While Larkin would show Mark his latest finds in the world of politics, gardening or vitamins, his Grandmother would invite me into her fancy sitting room and share chapters of her life with me.
One afternoon, she told me that Mark looked just like his Grandfather, her first husband whom she called Sport. "Sport was a nice enough guy...he was just a pervert."
She went on to explain that a few years after they were married, she came home to find him dressed in her undergarments. Her shock seemed to ignite a vicious thrill in him and for years, he would refuse to change before the children came home from school unless she would do what he asked. What he wanted often involved watching her have sex with other men while he hid out in the closet wearing her bra and panties; insisting that she keep the used condoms for him. She said, "I don't even want to know what he did with those condoms..."
She believed his inability to be a female drove him to very sadistic places. When her youngest daughter entered high school, she got a job; something Sport had always forbid her to do. Later she divorced him and found love in her boss at the department store, Larkin. They had been together ever since. Sport went on to marry two more times and died alone in the late 80's. After his death, Mark found a note that read, "I still love you, Letha."
Larkin had a son from a previous marriage. Allen was clumsy and full of energy. He just couldn't sit still. Letha pulled out her old guitar and taught him some chords which he picked up quickly. He later wrote this song as seen in this performance.

Sister Goldenhair

2009-04-05T09:57:00.000-07:00

The Scene Girl called Jeanie and asked for a pick up.
As we removed the diamond earrings, nail polish, girl jeans and the like, I realized that it takes longer to make him into a boy than a girl these days. Yesterday he went to the grocery store in an Indian inspired orange tank top and Capri's so obviously, we're not so concerned in what manner he chooses to present himself to the world.
The one exception is on the occasions that concern my thirteen-year-old daughter. She accepts Jeanie, but still fears what others will think so when she is involved, he tries to dress butch. He's hot as a boy or a girl-though I find myself more sexually attracted when he is dressed as a girl.
I could care less what others think or is that totally correct? I've been open and honest with those I'm close to. I realize that gossip has made it possible for those I'm no longer close to but share a common blood line to form opinions and express them to others. Mostly these opinions come through Cousin David. I have to ask if he's trying to hurt me more than inform me. I don't tell him what I hear about him , so why does he want to tell me what our disfunked family has to say about my gorgeous Jeanie?
My whole life I've wanted someone who would be my hero; one who would take sides, put me before others and refuse to let me down. Who cares if that hero looks more like Wonder Woman than Super Man?
Silly little detail.

Get Dressed Already...

2009-04-04T16:36:00.000-07:00

Change

2009-04-03T06:44:00.000-07:00

While I'm Southern at the very core of my being, I have been around.
I'm fairly well traveled.
I've lived in Chicago, San Diego, and Washington DC. In each place I learned to mingle with the natives and charm them with my differences.
I have a great capacity for change.
I lasted less than 4 hours in New York.
Being treated poorly and change are two different animals.
Jeanie was not willing to put me through it even if that meant pissing off his entire family (though they are not much of a family in my opinion).
We returned to Virginia to the comfort of Cousin David's new home and will be returning home later today.
I've enjoyed a lot of relaxation, and wonderful shopping!
We have loads of new clothes and shoes and accessories!
I can hardly wait to show off my new throw togethers.
No one will ever believe where they were found and how little I paid.
This trip has strengthened my trust and love in The Crossdresser.
If I had any doubts about his love and devotion, they no longer exist.

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

2009-03-27T03:25:00.000-07:00

Today I finish my work week, and I'm off until April 6th. It's kind of a vacation but kind of not. It's not like when I went to Orlando last year for a week revolving around relaxing and fun. There's an agenda.
We are helping Cousin David and Mark move to Virginia. I think I've been in denial that they are really leaving. They've been my constant for so long that if I really thought about it I would scream and claw at my face. At best, most people are a distraction; nick-knacks that take up space where space is needed. True friends are a rare gift. The boys are the truest of friends. In my life they've been The Scarecrow and The Tinman...not sure that we ever ran into The Lion but that's real life for ya. For years they've kept me company, talked me off ledges, ignored my bad behavior, wiped my snotty nose, celebrated my successes,close calls and mistakes. They helped fix what was broken, rearranged furniture, made sure every party had a theme and never apologized for leaving body hair in my bathtub. They were by my side when The Crossdresser walked into my life and they fell in love as well. Happily Ever after. New Beginnings. At least we have phone calls and emails and visits to plan.
Helping them move is the least I can do for two I'm forever indebted to and besides, it's on the way to New York. A good coincidence, I suppose. My ex-husband has loaned me his big tough pick up truck and we'll move the rest of Jeanie's incidentals though the trip is mostly about Jeanie walking his Baby Sister down the aisle on her big white day. I've been moaning about it all week. Life is real enough without discovering that he really comes from some place; that he isn't just a manifestation created as a token of God's favor for me. He existed long before we met and now I must become familiar with that far away place. With that place comes a Mother and a broody moody bunch of sisters and it's no secret that I get along with females less than well. Despite my handicap, I doubt that they will even notice. I'm Southern and they are not even familiar enough with Southerners to know that we are pleasant, gracious, and kind in all situations. I will not bother to explain that Southerners are forced to be charming or face a death that will later look like an accident. Cruelty veiled in charm! It's a beautiful, twisted thing.
I thought to leave the packing to Jeanie but he scared me with the words, "There's a washer and dryer..." I need style and variety! I will not be up for meeting strangers if I'm not perfectly attired. What girl is?
I am not sure what kind of Internet access will be available to me, and maybe that's just as well. I think it's sometimes a good thing to just leave all forms of communication with the familiar at least for a few days. I"m looking forward to hunting down new treasures, placing my thoughts on pages not screens and diving into my latest book titled "Suits Me" -the story of Billy Tipton who lived, loved and performed for the world as a man but was later discovered to be a woman but only after death. It's an intriguing read I highly recommend.
Today I'm going to tie up all the loose ends at work, research all the places of interest on Long Island, and send out a token of affection to a Blogger I absolutely adore named Chrissie. She's a fascinating read and a doting email friend. If I ever make my way across the pond to visit my fair sister, I am going to meet Chrissie. I just have to. She's so lovely!

Ethics and the Like

2009-03-26T16:45:00.000-07:00

When I was 20, I briefly gave up my given my name and everyone called me Jo. I drove a Red Chevy Beretta GT that I still miss, wore my hair Texas beauty queen big, and wore clothes skin tight. I had a great fake ID that got me into all the wrong places so that I could experience all the wrong experiences but that's okay. I learned to be fearless and it's served me well. I became a regular at a little bar that was frequented by green berets with hard-ons for me and a DJ who played Mustang Sally every time I walked in. I drank $2.00 whiskey sours and gave my cherries to those I wanted to conquer. I often saw Jesus sitting at the bar and danced with the devil a couple of times. My whole goal was to have a blast and take absolutely nothing serious. I succeeded.
I recall one particular Green Beret-just not his name. I never fancied him really but I spent a lot of Friday nights chatting with him because he would buy my drinks when I did. He was sweeter than the whiskey sours and I never gave him my cherries. I had already conquered him without even trying. One night he came in with his roommate. His roommate was really dreamy and looked like the poster cowboy on my closet door. They took turns dancing with me and invited me to go back to their place. The roommate said, "We want to share you. You'll love it."
That would take away all doubt and make me a certifiable slut.
I wanted to know but ....
I will never know, though I've wondered many times. Maybe I've done more than wondered. Maybe I've fantasized about it.
I've received similar offers but never accepted.
It was too taboo but maybe...
Maybe 16 years later I allowed myself to do more than fantasize about it.
Maybe I finally know what it is to be shared.
Only this time it wasn't Green Berets.
Maybe this time it was The Crossdresser and another Crossdresser.
Maybe as I kissed Jeanie, Kendra just kind of wrapped her arms around the two of us and we fell into embrace and debauchery and there were moments where I saw Jesus in Drag between my legs while an archangel in a wig and perfect makeup held me and kissed me so deeply that I had to call on God himself.
Slut?
I'm not a slut.
I'm a fucking Goddess.....

Popular Opinion

2009-03-24T18:45:00.000-07:00

Today one of the guys from the IT department called me and asked what my daughter's name was. "The Scene Girl". He quickly brought a CD found in an old computer that was once mine that was labeled Mom and Scene Girl. I decided to take a look and it was a bunch of pictures of the two of us from I guess around two years ago. My girlfriend Shelley came from behind and I quickly closed the window. She thought I was checking out something good and I had to explain that they were old pictures of me that I didn't really care for. She whined until I showed her a picture from a company party two years ago and she said, "That doesn't even look like you. Why do you look so different in that picture?"
I explained my hair was lighter and I think I might be a little thinner. Whatever the change, I look better at 36 than I did at 34. Just goes to show that aging isn't necessarily a bad process. I don't know if it's that I'm aging well or if it's the comfort I've found in being myself. I am certainly happier than the woman in those photos. It was post heart ache and about six months before removing most of the straight people out of my social circle. And before I get a comment on straight hate, I'm not speaking merely about sexual orientation. I mean, most people think I'm straight but those in the know are more than certain that it's not true.
Life in the alternative lifestyle has its ups and downs and mostly I don't mind that. I'm learning as I go and most of that knowledge is coming through experience and it's mostly always been that way for me. It makes for a lot of mistakes but luckily I'm a quick study. While I might not speak openly to everyone about my life, I certainly don't hide how I live. I introduced Jeanie as a cross dresser to those I'm closest to and others have heard and question why I chose a man who enjoys dresses as much as I do.
To each his own....or her own? Last night I heard RuPaul say, "I learned a long time ago that other people's opinions about me are none of my business." For me, the answers are not so hard to come up with. I chose someone I love and adore who in turn loves and adores me back. I chose someone with similar interests and designs with a great deal of kindness and capacity for joy. These things seem more important than traditions and trends. I knew that I would not choose at all if my choices were to be with someone who would hold me back and bring me down. Those were not options that were at all acceptable to me and yet obviously, those options would be more acceptable and pleasing for those that look out over my landscapes than God forbid, I have a boyfriend who wears make up.
Actually I see that as a perk! We run out of a lot of things, but make up is never one of them. Nor do we run out of nail polish, panty hose....or devotion, encouragement, laughter or hope. If they ever get up the nerve to ask me instead of discussing it with those I'm closest to, I'll be sure to tell them that but ....they won't.
You can't change people but you can always change your mind about them.

David and Mark's Going Away Party

2009-03-23T16:59:00.000-07:00

I Never Was the Girl Next Door

2009-03-19T18:38:00.000-07:00

I love things that show up in the mail.
Always have, always will.
This was a good week for mail.
My order from E.L.F. (eyeslipsface.com)came in yesterday. Most of the products are only a dollar, the shipping only double that and the order showed up in about a week. I've been curious about the whole mineral make up thing and ordered a starter kit for the scene girl. She was not impressed at all and asked when I was going to buy more clinique clarifying foundation for her as she dumped the starter kit on my vanity (she did keep the nice carry case and all but one of the brushes). I tried it out myself this morning and I agree with The Scene Girl. It was not enough coverage for a Drag Queen like me. My face felt naked, and it did little to cover the shine or too much red in my natural skin tone. I did like the eye brow kit and the nail polishes I ordered for Jeanie and I. The eyeliner pen that The Scene Girl ordered is pretty cool too.
A few weeks ago I signed up at Book Mooch after a girl at a used bookstore recommended it as being a way to score all the Charlaine Harris books for very little money. It's a book swap of all the books you don't want for all the books you do want. I've sent out four books and have received two so far. My wish list is filled with books on transgender issues, though I realize I may never run into many of the books I want. I was crushed when a Canadian refused to send me Miss Vera's Finishing School for Boys Who Want to Be Girls . I did receive one on my transgender list and haven't been able to stop reading.
She's Not There by Jennifer Finney Boylin is an autobiography in which she details her lifelong struggle with her burgeoning femaleness and the path she followed to become a female, both physically and mentally. While I believe she leaves out certain details, she seems to write honestly with what she is comfortable discussing about her choice to become a woman while maintaining her role as a husband and father. She did not tell her wife that she was transsexual until after years of marriage and two babies; she never told anyone. It was her belief at a young age that if she found a woman to love, these feelings would go away. This is the best explanation I've come across; the only one I've not held in slight contempt. While I stand the chance of offending some, I must admit that I've never understood why people choose to marry someone while hiding such a huge secret. And yet, so many seem offended that their wives cannot accept them. Maybe this would have been a good conversation around the third date. Why should your true nature be more important than hers?
As I was reading about Jennifer's decision to tell her wife, I watched Jeanie in the kitchen. I wondered if he would be happier as a full-time woman and what would that mean for me? I didn't have to wonder long. I love Jeanie-all aspects and I would gladly give up the male aspects if he thought this would bring him greater fulfillment. I sometimes see Jeanie as being lost, fragile, delicate. I think his duality is a tough fit in the world in general so I asked him would he like to be a girl all the time.
His response was, "You mean cut off my penis?" I nodded yes, and he quickly explained that he would always be pre-op; that the ability to be both was much more appealing to him. Yes, he would love to be free of his five o'clock shadow, but he enjoys his penis and its functions even if he chooses to sit not stand.
I know that he is crazy in love with me and that there might be a fear that saying he wants to be a full-time woman might change the way I feel for him but I believe what he says. He's always chosen to be so true and honest that I've learned not to question what he says. If in time, his truth changes I will accept it.
And maybe that's true for any love. Maybe I underestimate the typical woman. I am curious to learn if Jennifer's wife accepted his crossover but I won't tell.
You should read the book.

Don't Think Twice

2009-03-18T17:53:00.000-07:00

The spirit rules the body. I've witnessed this to be true with Nanna Jones. Any time Nanna feels out of sorts she develops a mystery illness that can never be diagnosed but excuses her from stress or deadline or whatever she can't handle. She would spend a week in bed, skip out on the rough stuff and resume perfect health. While it was obvious to myself and others that she used this as a defense mechanism, it didn't make her any less sick just because she created it. It makes me wonder: don't we all invent our pain?
I think of Nanna Jones now as I deal with this throb in my face. I define these throbs as sinus infections and I've gotten them for years. Only when experiencing one am I aware that they show up anytime I find myself confronting feelings concerning my Mother.
I blew in on a wild September storm on the year that Momma and Daddy turned sixteen. Momma has always been quick to say that the weather that day perfectly predicted our relationship. I try very hard to bury any feelings I have left for her in the darkest of my rooms. I find resolution in the the truth that some things will always be unresolved. No happily ever after here, friends. It's just not going to happen.
On Tuesday I had to go for my assessment. In order to evaluate anyone, the pros always go for the throat or in my case, the traces of my mother found on my person. As I listened to myself speak to this gal with hair that matched her skin tone, I listened to my Momma and Daddy take turns talking. Momma did most of the talking. Marilyn the Rehab Professional's assessment was that I don't have a drug dependency. My assessment is that I am so much like the very woman I like the very least.
It makes my face ache.
And it's hardly worth it.
My current comfort level is zero.
It's hard to sit well with these feelings in my lap and this ache in my round face.
I should be happy.
My life is sweet.
The traits that I inherited from Momma have served me well and have taken me on an entirely different path than the one she walks. While she is submissive, I am dominant. While she serves, I am waited on.
I cannot help who I am anymore than she can help who she is and a level of forgiveness should be forged on that alone.

Squeeze

2009-03-16T14:23:00.000-07:00

I think Jeanie is depressed.
He got laid off today.
I'm not upset about it all.
His bills are minimum and I can pick up all the household stuff.
Maybe now New York will grant him unemployment.
That would be really sweet.
It does seem a little tight for us this week.
On Friday I had to sign my soul away and agree to rehab.
My evaluation is tomorrow.
The upfront costs are squeezing me until next pay day.
No one other than Human Resources has said anything to me.
My boss T didn't learn about it until Friday.
His response to HR was "I just want it to go away"
He's spoiled on all of my good nature and wit.
I got to move into my new space at work.
Away from the sales agents, I get lots more done.
I had to pick out furniture for the new reception area.
I love color and I'm wondering if I picked wrong.
All I know is it's contemporary and beat the alternatives.
I hear Jeanie....

An Open Letter to Diane

2009-03-13T17:57:00.000-07:00

Today I received a thoughtful comment from an unfamiliar reader on a blog I wrote some time ago. Unfortunately I was at work at the time and could not respond right away, but maybe I'll just blog a comment back.

Diane S. Frank has left a new comment on your post "This One..Is Not Like The Others":
I'll be pointing Helen to your Blog, and she in turn may be able to link you other women who are more like you. Helen enjoyed Betty's crossdressing, it's the ongoing transition that's hard. You've said nothing about hormones or surgery. There was a woman similar to you mentioned in the book...she died of breast cancer a couple of years ago. As for whether crossdressing is a debilitating disease- it can be. And the hot CD on the cover? That's Betty. I think I'll follow your blog- the question of whether a domme/sub relationship can be a real relationship has interested me for a while...but it's hard to find examples. The few people I know are so caught up in their 'lifestyle' that they view the rest of the world in a strange manner, sort of like how someone in Amway or any other multilevelmarketing organization starts to view everyone as a potential downline or customer.

I am surprised that I haven't been called out about my thoughts on Helen Boyd's book "My Husband Betty" before now. I know that she is widely favored in the Transgender Community. As I've grown a little more familiar with the Transgender Community, I understand that this book speaks to the majority of women who are in relationships with Crossdressers. Most women do not go into the relationship knowing about the crossdressing. For these women, this book is ideal.

I am a minority in that I knew Jeanie before I knew Gene. The fact that he loved to dress as a female was exciting and thrilling-not surprising and shocking for me. What has been surprising and shocking is that I have not found more women like me. If they are out there, I haven't found them. There is no community for girls like me.

There's an old saying that women marry men in hopes of changing them, and men marry women in hopes that they never will. I am more like the man in that I hope Jeanie never changes. He has changed. He will continue to change. Some of those changes have occurred under my influence and suggestion. It's obvious when I look at photos and read diary entries. I've encouraged him to allow the girl in him to go out into the world and what shoes would be correct for the occasion.

As far as hormones and surgery go, I am more than supportive of that if Jeanie ever decides to do that. Hormones and electrolysis have been discussed more than surgery although he loves the idea of having breasts. He says that he would never opt for having a vagina over a penis, but I question that. When I touch Jeanie's cock, it's not in a traditional sense. I always touch him as if I'm touching a woman or myself and therefore I believe that a full transition might be something he will one day seek.

I believe the hardest thing I've had to overcome in learning to totally trust Jeanie is the fear that at some point he will have the desire to be with a man. Isn't that the natural progression? I've found part of that answer from within my own desires. While I am totally turned on by a man in lipstick and heels, I am not turned on by a woman in the same. While I feel I am generally considered to be a straight woman, my social circle is primarily gay. I am approached by bisexual and gay women on a relatively consistent basis without ever feeling a mutual attraction. It is not in Jeanie to be attracted to men (who hit on him on a relatively consistent basis as well) just as it is not in my nature to be attracted to women. I've also come to realize that someone who is open and honest enough to allow the world to know he likes to dress as a woman would hardly mind admitting that he was attracted to men.

Of course domme/sub relationships can work. All relationships are domme/sub whether they are called that or not. Someone has to take the lead and someone has to follow. It is rarely equal. People can go on about that all they want but I will never believe it to be so. The ironic part is that the one running the show isn't always the domme. Sometimes the sub is really in charge.

Diane, I think I've always viewed the world in a strange manner and while I constantly try to explain myself, I rarely expect people to buy into it.

Pet

2009-03-12T05:03:00.000-07:00

Ever since I made Jeanie put on that french maid uniform and wash walls, he's been on a strange trip of submissive bliss.
I can't complain.
He's the perfect mingle of love slave, housewife and pet.
As work has taken unpredictable turns, Jeanie has been a constant steady stream of obedience and adoration.
When I'm at work fetching this and that for my boss, I wonder if he'd ever guess that at home, I never fetch anything.
Today he's wearing a tight t-shirt and slingy girl jeans while he awaits Cousin David's arrival. He's coming over to take out a tree that's been dead and gone for who knows how long.
It's a creepy tree and I'm glad to watch it go.
Cousin David is always looking out for us girls.

Just Call Me Winehouse

2009-03-10T17:30:00.000-07:00

It's one thing to fear being exposed.
Knowing that you've been exposed it's another thing all together.
Last night my girlfriend Manji called a few times but I had turned my phone off.
This morning I learned from our mutual friend Nancy it was because she had heard through a coworker who doesn't even work on the same campus as I do that I had flunked my drug test! Talk about paranoid! I found myself reading into every look, gesture and comment that was made in my general direction. I was told that Human Resources was out of the office and felt convinced that this was the only reason I had not been confronted and had not been fired.

I didn't relax until around one when Adam picked me up for our weekly lunch date. Adam and I met when I was seventeen and he was four. We fell in love with one another immediately. He's grown into such an amazing person. We're always sharing new books and movies and music and food....Adam is a total foodie. Finding great new places to dine is his favorite thing to do. Today we had lunch at one of our favorite Thai restaurants. He tried his best to reassure me that I was fine by putting his general psychic spin to it by saying, "I just don't feel anything negative coming your way over this. I don't see it effecting you at all." I so love him for that.

Afterwards we went to the new TJ Maxx that opened. It was in general a disappointment but I found the most beautiful Geisha doll and a cheap DVD called Trans America. If you've seen this and it's horrible, don't tell me. I want to curl up with Jeanie and find out for myself.

Human Resources showed up sometime after and said that the Prez had been informed of the situation. He told her that I was not to be terminated-we would work something out. Basically, I'm looking at more pee tests and meetings with dope fiends which I'll probably enjoy.

I'm so relieved. After work, I went and put my pay check in the bank. I've kinda been holding on to it as a way of not spending any of it until I knew if there would be more. Now it all seems kind of silly that I worried the way that I did but it certainly cured me of my little fondness to Mary Jane. She can go hide in the top of someone else's closet. I'm thinking Cousin David's or my Daddy's; whoever finds her first.

Now that I'm feeling secure again, I will be putting in for time off to help Cousin David move to Virginia and from there we'll be heading to New York. Jeanie's baby sister is getting married on April 4th. I've yet to meet any of Jeanie's family so it should be quite an experience. Now I can save my worry time for what will I wear to the wedding!

Thank you to those of you who crossed fingers and sent sweet messages!

POSITIVE

2009-03-10T02:55:00.000-07:00

I went to work in my big girl panties.
Human Resources brought me a piece of paper and said I had to call the medical review office.
Something about my random drug test.
It seems I tested positive for marijuana.
I always knew there was a possibility of being tagged for one of those tests.
I just somehow convinced myself that I was somehow above it.
And I was for a long time. Just not last Friday.
I don't know what this means for me.
I mean, I know it means I'll never smoke again.
This is the first drug test I've ever failed and it will be the one and only.
I have never seen anything wrong with pot.
Maybe because I grew up with hippies and it was always there.
Paul McCartney smokes pot. I think Obama even smokes pot.
Even with the shame I feel that I tested positive for it, I don't really see what's wrong with it.
I just know that others see it as wrong-doesn't really fly with me.
I've always been very self-assured at work.
I do my job with flare and style and noone can do it better.
I am untouchable in job performance and yet, my job is not so certain anymore.
What will this drug test mean for me?
I hoped to find out yesterday, but not a word was said to me.
I waited and I waited and still no word was spoken.
Confronting the unspoken occurred to me, but I didn't.
Maybe that's not the thing to do, but waiting to learn my fate is torture.
I just want it over.

Extraordinary

2009-03-09T03:16:00.000-07:00

The weekend was quiet.
We accomplished a lot in the way of making this place our home.
Cousin David gave me a dresser last weekend.
I cannot wait to get started on it.
Yesterday I bought high gloss black paint for the outside of it.
When you open the drawers, it will be hot pink on the inside; incorporating The Scene Girl's favorite colors. This may become a new hobby or maybe it already has; revamping the ordinary and making it extraordinary. Certainly I already do this with My Crossdresser. Saturday we played dress up and created the video above. I was hard pressed to find a song that fit but I think it turned out really sweet and sexy.
I don't have a test study to compare our relationship to but I have read a lot from other woman in the way that they see their relationships with crossdressers. They complain about the dressing up while I adore it. They talk about how they miss the males they knew their partners to be. I don't hear them complain about missing the girls when the male takes over which is usually my complaint.
Jeanie is a dream but Gene can be such a brat. He questions everything and makes me wish I had just done it myself rather than ask him to do it. I thought Jeanie was out shopping with me on Sunday but it became clear that in a hardware store, Gene felt a need to take over and we clashed and fought like crazy. Grabbing dinner and the ride home was just misery. He wouldn't listen to sound directions and we got stuck in traffic because of it. Our order at Arby's wasn't right and he fled the drive-thru before I could get my order correct.
When we got home I allowed him to eat and immediately laid out his maid uniform. He spent the rest of the afternoon sweeping, mopping and washing walls while I watched Six Feet Under episodes.
I don't know if I would have felt such a need to put him in his place had I not been so nervous about going to work this morning. I worry that my secret will be revealed today and what if any consequences will take place. I have tried to brace myself for anything but even now I just want to hide under my bed and pray for it to be over. I know I can't do that and maybe that's what all of this is about: taking ownership and meeting my fears.
I've decided that any pleasure I might find in my secret is not really worth keeping. I'm throwing it out no matter what today's outcome holds. I am trying so hard to live authentically and there is nothing authentic about hiding who you are. If you are ashamed of any part of you, isn't that proof that it should be removed and thrown away? I don't know what I'm on about. It's nerves raw and throbbing.
I have to just pull up my big girl panties and go on with it.

CRAZY

2009-03-09T03:06:00.000-07:00

Secret of my Own

2009-03-06T20:40:00.000-08:00

This week wasn't hard or coarse at all. It was easy and I was untouchable. Today it all seemed to catch up with me as things often have a way of doing. I've always lived that way; always a little off the map and mostly that's fine. A secret may have or may not have been learned about me today and there could be repercussions. It could change everything for me. Is that one thing worth it? Of course not. Not really and maybe it's a secret I should no longer own. I know it's time to put away my last childish thing. Okay, one of my last childish things but certain I must beg for mercy and give up the childish thing. It makes me sad. It's kind of like dressing; something I've kept hidden in the back of the closet away from plain sight. Now it might be out there and I'm drained of everything except anticipation of the outcome. Jeanie is jumping around the house in a dress The Scene Girl gave him that I gave her a year ago and he's wanting me...my attention and love and he longs for the transformation I always give him. This is one of my favorite things to do but tonight it's like I'm mourning my childish thing because I know that I will miss it like an old friend. I stand to ruin my Crossdresser's weekend with the cloud of doubt and the burden of my secret. Well, maybe the night. I think I have to find something to utterly distract me long enough to let go and accept that this is my reality and I can either create a wonderful experience or not. The choice is mine. It's all about changing your mind. I think I'll go paint a door.

Nervous Tic Motion

2009-03-05T19:30:00.000-08:00

I didn't think it would take me this long to make my way back.

We're all moved in but my thoughts aren't unpacked.

I made Jeanie put all his butch clothes in the spare bedroom we've turned into an Internet cafe we refer to as the man room. A metro sexual man room, mind you.

When he comes home from work he takes girly clothes into the boy closet and changes there.

Tonight he has on this pink hooded sweater and little booty pants that are stamped "SPOIL ME" across his sweet bottom but I look over and all I see is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ that beard and his loose hair. I've been seeing that a lot lately not that I mind it's just my sick twisted need to bring the cross up in my bedroom. I don't know when it started but it's entirely unfresh and dated, that I can tell you with accuracy.

I live with a crossdresser and a teenager but it doesn't mean I understand either archetype. I am finding that they share a great deal in common with Sadie and Sirena, our beaded ladies: they whine a lot and just when you think you've taught them better, they've left prizes where you're least likely to find them. They are also kind and pleasing and never question that I'm in charge and that's insane if you know me at all but I refuse to teach them better on all things.

I was born under the Sitting Buddha which means I must learn everything on my own and teach it to others but somethings I just won't give up. You better steal it 'cause I'm not giving it away like Ledbelly said to the White Devils.

I'm glad that people don't ask me what I did last night. I hate to lie and I'd have to tell them that I shaved Jeanie from head to toe. I love to do this. My Matt says "Jeanie is just your living doll" and he's right. I love to dress him up and pull his strings. I know to touch him cause it's just like I touched my girlfriends when my sexual preferences were a bit more out of focus but is that true? Back then I went out on dates all prim and proper and later I would be a dirty girl with my best friends. Isn't that what I still do on some levels? Am I a lesbian? Am I straight? Am I bisexual? Am I trisexual? I don't know. It's not clear-ask later.

Today this hot young caramel girl let me know that if I was interested, she was interested but I'm not really interested. I think she's beautiful and that. I'm just not into her like that or into any girl like that really. I am so in love with the whole duality I find in Jeanie. He's like the whole package for yours nasty naughty nickled out truly.

Have you ever known of a female polygamist? I'd like a whole house full of Jeanies 'cause I'm selfish like that.

I'm going back to unpacking my thoughts...

Moving Day

2009-02-27T03:19:00.000-08:00

They knocked down a wall and are expanding my department at work. The dust is not helping those of us who are getting over being sick which is probably around 75% of us. Everyone is crabby and cranky and I just want to tell them all to pull up their big girl panties and deal with it! I'm snotty and coughy too but I refuse to complain because complaining about anything rarely does any good.

Yesterday I received an email from T my gorgeous brown boss who looks like a Duke basketball player from the 80's updating the management team and I about the construction behind the big plastic veil.

What I had not been aware of was that behind that veil is my new office! For the last two years I've sat in a cove of sorts and soon I will have my own office away from the sales agents. I'm so excited to have my own space. It only took a little over 3 years to get it!

The Scene Girl tried really hard to get out of school today. We were so sick last week-she missed three days and I just don't feel she can afford to miss another so she can "pack". I tell her I don't want to go to work either but I am and I need to pack too.

"But you have someone to pack for you!"

She's right. I haven't packed a thing this week. Jeanie is doing it all. I've just been in charge of getting everything turned on at the new place.

I love my Jeanie! I think everyone should have one...or maybe two! He makes my life so simple and while the world complains, I am amused at my wonderful life with the gorgeous one!

This will probably be my last entry for awhile but I promise to return with new pics and videos of our moving weekend.

Twins

2009-02-25T18:04:00.000-08:00

I am up at 5 and I try to be at work by 7:30. Sometimes it's more like 9 but you get the point. I'm up early. However, Jeanie's day starts much later and four nights a week he's not home until after 9 pm. It messes with us a bit. I try to stay up as late as possible but even my as possible is too early for Jeanie. He tucks me in and usually comes to be around 1 am. This morning I woke up before the alarm and Jeanie wasn't there. I expected to find that he'd fallen asleep watching TV but he was wide awake at 4:45 am chatting away on Yahoo messenger. When I asked who he was chatting with he nearly came out of his chair when he said, "It's my twin!"

It's been awhile since he's spoken of his twin; a crossdresser from Wisconsin who is so similar to my Jeanie that even a stranger would find it strange. Not only do they look alike, they both have dominant girlfriends, share similar backgrounds and common interests. The twin has been MIA for awhile. They had spent the whole night catching up, comparing lifestyles and sharing themselves in general. I envy him for having a friend so much like himself.

The living room is full of boxes. Our bearded lady Sirena is scared of them and Jeanie couldn't understand why. I had to explain that before finding us, she was kept in a crate for most of her 3 years and she's probably scared we're going to box her up again. He spent half an hour telling her that would never happen. She's still not digging on the boxes.

There's so much to do.

2009-02-24T16:35:00.000-08:00

Whether I work 2 hours or 12, I always leave the office exhausted.

I have to keep a lot of things spinning while constantly being by coworkers who want this or want that be to be sure they want something. I am grateful to have a good job during such difficult economical times and years of this type of work have made me a strong political animal. I can deal with most people with a lot of flare and ease but so many? It makes me tired and I feel so heavy when I come home. I can hardly wait to take off the heels and the panty hose and sprint around the house half dressed: except for the bra.

I can go without panties but I cannot go without a bra. This goes back to Nanna Jones to whom I owe all my propers and phobias to who insisted that if I didn't sleep with a bra on that I would be a droopy mess by age 25. I'm now 36 and I don't droop but I sometimes wonder if the confinement hindered my growth. I come from large breasted women-beautiful, low-to-the ground, sweet opened faced and hearted, healthy gals with loads of breasts and lilty laughter but I didn't get the breasts. My sister who shares my need for bras to bed also has small breasts. On her last trip to the states, we discussed our shrinking cup sizes and how we're managing to keep up appearances.

Jeanie wears a bra almost as much as I do or maybe we're even. He even wears them to work while always making sure to wear a t-shirt under his butchy work office clothes. Moving south has certainly been a transition for him though he doesn't show it. He says he's constantly happy; that he wished he had left New York years ago. I ask him if he's homesick and he says, "I am home."

Speaking of home, we are moving this weekend. I am excited but with slight anxiety of the thought of moving all our stuff even if it's just a few blocks away. The trunk of my car is full of boxes I got from work and I'm hoping Jeanie will be a good girl and pack during the day before he goes to work. But oh dread! I will have to tell him exactly what to do. Why is this so? Why does he have to ask a million questions just to do a simple task? Try as I might, I cannot reverse this awful trait in him. I wish I could but then other wonderful traits might leave him and I really wouldn't want that. He'll do it...just with a lot of direction. I'm hoping everything will be packed up before the boys show up on Saturday. Moving is a tight sweet event in my group. We always show up and show out and catch a buzz afterwards.

Cousin David and Mark will be moving soon too but not just down the street. Mark has taken a job a state away. I'm not sure how that will change us socially. I've hoped that we would make transgender friends but our circle still consists primarily of gay males I could just squeeze and love forever and ever. A few CDs have approached us both together and separately but most are so secret squirrel. None of them live as openly with the female factor as we do. They don't dress everyday. Some are gay but more are straight and even married but they are either tightly bound in the closet or their wife merely puts up. How can I be so different in this aspect? Surely I'm not the only woman who enjoys the duality. I crave to meet just one like me. So far zero.

There was Kendra. Oh, she's still about. Currently in DC but texting me away but I'm not so sure about her. It's flattering that she would watch us from afar and never get up the nerve to approach us. It's also flattering that she and I would make an instant connection but not so much with Jeanie and it seems that to really be friends, it should be with us both. Instead I get all the calls and texts and emails and I've turned the light on 'cause no one's home but she knocks just the same. Jeanie says I sent her circuits into overload. She's never been with a girl as a girl and she see that as appealing and for some that's too much? I don't know.

Saturday Night Dress Up with Sick Girlfriend

2009-02-22T15:56:00.001-08:00

I'm feeling much better today.

I wanted to go to Mardi Gras Night so much.

The boys are so much fun and I love dressing Jeanie up!

Instead we stayed in and played dress up just the same.

It was fun to just concentrate on Jeanie's look.

To be the artist not the art.

We took a long bath and I shaved Jeanie from head to toe.

Except the face.I have no experience in face shaving; I just mangle him.

Jeanie wanted me to paint on his Mardi Gras mask.

Even though we didn't go out, I did so.

This was my first attempt with white face.

It was fun to just see what I could create.

We took loads of pictures and shot a few videos.

I'll post the videos later but here are a few shots.

I thought he looked hot-somewhere between a French Mime and Rocky Horror.

Bob's Why

2009-02-21T16:31:00.000-08:00

Why - poem by bob flanagan

Because it feels good;

because it gives me an erection;

because it makes me come;

because I'm sick;

because there was so much sickness;

because I say FUCK THE SICKNESS;

because I like the attention;

because I was alone a lot;

because I was different;

because kids beat me up on the way to school;

because I was humiliated by nuns;

because of Christ and the Crucifixion;

because of Porky Pig in bondage, force-fed by some sinister creep in a black cape;

because of stories of children hung by their wrists,

burned on the stove, scalded in tubs;

because of Mutiny on the Bounty;

because of cowboys and Indians;

because of Houdini;

because of my cousin Cliff;

because of the forts we built and the things we did inside them;

because of what's inside me;

because of my genes;

because of my parents;

because of doctors and nurses;

because they tied me to the crib so I wouldn't hurt myself;

because I had time to think;

because I had time to hold my penis;

because I had awful stomachaches and holding my penis made it feel better;

because I felt like I was going to die;

because it makes me feel invincible;

because it makes me feel triumphant;

because I'm a Catholic;

because I still love Lent, and I still love my penis, and in spite of it all I have no guilt;

because my parents said BE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE, and this is what I want to be;

because I'm nothing but a big baby and I want to stay that way, and I want a mommy forever, even a mean one, especially a mean one;

because of all the fairy tale witches, and the wicked stepmother, and the stepsisters, and how sexy Cinderella was, smudged with soot, doomed to a life of servitude;

because of Hansel, locked in the witch's cage until he was fat enough to eat;

because of "O" and how desperately I wanted to be her;

because of my dreams;

because of the games we played;

because I've got an active imagination;

because my mother bought me Tinker Toys;

because hardware stores give me hard-ons;

because of hammers, nails, clothespins, wood, padlocks, pullies, eyebolts, thumbtacks, staple-guns, sewing needles, wooden spoons, fishing tackle, chains, metal rulers, rubber tubing, spatulas, rope, twine, C-clamps, S-hooks, razor blades, scissors, tweezers, knives, pushpins, two-by-fours, Ping-Pong paddles, alligator clips, duct tape, broomsticks, barbecue skewers, bungie cords, sawhorses, soldering irons;

because of tool sheds;

because of garages;

because of basements;

because of dungeons;

because of The Pit and the Pendulum;

because of the Tower of London;

because of the Inquisition;

because of the rack;

because of the cross;

because of the Addams Family playroom;

because of Morticia Addams and her black dress with its octopus legs;

because of motherhood;

because of Amazons;

because of the Goddess;

because of the moon;

because it's in my nature;

because it's against nature;

because it's nasty;

because it's fun;

because it flies in the face of all that's normal (whatever that is); because I'm not normal;

because I used to think that I was part of some vast experiment and that there was this implant in my penis that made me do these things and that allowed THEM (whoever THEY were) to monitor my activities;

because I had to take my clothes off and lie inside this plastic bag so the doctors could collect my sweat;

because once upon a time I had such a high fever that my parents had to strip me naked and wrap me in wet sheets to stop the convulsions;

because my parents loved me even more when I was suffering;

because surrender is sweet;

because I was born into a world of suffering;

because I'm attracted to it;

because I'm addicted to it;

because endorphins in the brain are like a natural kind of heroin;

because I learned to take my medicine;

because I was a big boy for taking it;

because I can take it like a man;

because, as somebody once said, HE'S GOT MORE BALLS THAN I DO;

because it is an act of courage;

because it does take guts;

because I'm proud of it;

because I can't climb mountains;

because I'm terrible at sports;

because NO PAIN, NO GAIN;

because SPARE THE ROD AND SPOIL THE CHILD;

because YOU ALWAYS HURT THE ONE YOU LOVE.

Sick Girlfriend

2009-02-21T14:11:00.000-08:00

It is sweatsuit city here, friends.
I am officially under the weather.
I am sub human-I've become a mouth breather.
Jeanie is a sweet nurse.
He doesn't seem to bothered on missing out on Mardi Gras.
I told him he should go but for once, my submissive put his foot down and said NO!

2009-02-19T19:06:00.000-08:00

Today, a sweet young thing asked if I had been to the tanning salon.

"Oh no. I just used my boyfriend's foundation."

She giggled.

I think she thought I was kidding.

My LOVE YOU LONG TIME Girl

2009-02-18T17:43:00.000-08:00

The Crossdresser will be home in half and hour. I prefer to come home to him instead of the other way around. I thought I would miss my alone time when he moved in but I just find myself watching the clock and missing him so much when he's at work. I can't wait until he gets home. I might even join the Bearded Ladies in the happy! happy! joy! joy! dance they put on by the door every night when he returns home. My dogs just adore Jeanie. They've deserted My Scene Girl and I wake up every morning to find them getting their cuddle on with him and plotting on how they can kick me out of bed altogether. I swear that I hear them giggle when I get up and leave them to move up to my pillow and lovingly watch him sleep and wait for his eyes to flutter open and start their day. Jeanie is loved.

Lately, maybe too much.

I am certain that he must be exhausted. For the last week, my libido has been racey even in my own frame of sexual measure. I am in a constant state of arousal. It just feels so good to be in or around or above or behind my gorgeous one. It's almost taken on a feeling of vampire love...almost as if I'm feeding on his bloody soul. Creepy. I'll stop.

Tonight I watched Changling and I can totally recommend it. It's coincidental as I have been reading alot of conspiracy theories on a little boy who disappeared in 1982. He became the poster boy for missing children and the first to be on milk cartons. I saw his face a lot as a kid. He was only 3 years older and it was around this time that adults began an open dialogue with their kids that must have went something along the lines of, "Santa Claus isn't real, we smoked pot in high school and oh, it's better that you stay inside and play Ms. Pacman because there are really scary people just waiting to throw you in the car and do awful things to you...." Well, it was for me. A whole loss of innocence thing took place. Johnny was kidnapped and he was on the news every night while I ate dinner. The following year a classmate of mine was taken to the school auditorium and raped by a sex offender who had been out of prison for only 6 days. My mother showed back up after two years of no contact with my sister and I with a brand new husband who thought he'd try to make us his brides too. Another classmate got pregnant at 12 years old. I didn't know what to make of it all and still, the news asked "Where's Johnny Gosch?" Unlike a lot of missing children cases, there were leads, strange phone calls, packages on the poor mother's door steps and visits from other children who claimed they had been held captive in a powerful pedophile ring ran by members of high government, church, finance and celebrity status. These children said that Johnny Gosch had been held captive too.

The Internet is absolutely saturated with information about Johnny Gosch. There is so much information out there, it's hard to say what is fact and what is fabricated and I keep waiting. I want to believe he's out there and someday he'll get to tell his truth.

But for now...

Happy! Happy! Joy! Joy! Happy! Happy! Joy! Joy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My New Myspace Page

2009-02-17T08:03:00.000-08:00

Hello Friends.
Some friends you are.
I haven't heard from any of you in ages.
You come and you go and never say hello.
At first, this seemed okay for me to do as well.
But when I do I feel like a Peeping Tom.
Don't really dig that at all.
I don't assume my stating this will change anything.
You'll still come and go.
Maybe that's just the norm in this forum.
I just created a new myspace page.
http://www.myspace.com/crossdressersgirlfriend
I wanted something a little more private and flirty.
One not plagued with coworkers and the dude that sells me vodka.
Maybe you'll stop to say hi there...

2009-02-16T02:29:00.000-08:00

Weekends go by so quickly.
I want to crawl back into bed with Jeanie and swear off Monday all together but the show must go on. Jeanie has to go to work too. I think Jeanie is enjoying his change of occupation. He hasn't said so, but I think being an office girl suits him. My office has been so busy, but I'm enjoying all the growth and change. My boss allows me to be creative and I'm looking forward to tearing down the high school dance streamers and hearts and going with a new theme: March Madness.

Last night I colored my hair. By all rights, my hair has been dark as night for months but I finally went full fledged Bettie Paige black. Paired with my light eyes, the look is drastic and dreamy. I'm not sure why I spent so many years playing a blonde. I'm not a blonde in the least.

Over the weekend, Jeanie and I made a new friend. She approached Jeanie of course, as Jeanie is all over the place. At first she made small talk but soon she admitted that she had seen the two of us out. She's tall and gorgeous and very sweet. We took turns passing the phone back and forth and I'm looking forward to knowing her better.

Is it time for work already?

My Valentine's Day Video from Jeanie

2009-02-13T23:39:00.000-08:00

But you feel so clean...

2009-02-13T22:01:00.000-08:00

What do you buy a Cross Dresser for Valentine's Day?

I waited until the last minute to decide.

Thank you Femulate for the most perfect way to get up the nerve to say be my valentine! After I printed it on to almond bonded paper, I framed it and gave it to Jeanie as a Valentine's Day Card. It will forever be a reminder of our first Valentine's Day together.

I also gave him the most engaging passionate purple dress. It makes me happy just to see it hanging on the coat rack in the living room. I actually enjoy just gazing at it. I want to see Jeanie in it but he has stubble on his face and he refuses to waste the moment of trying it on by not being able to totally appreciate his reflection in the mirror the first time he puts it on.

I can't believe I found true love. It's still new and clean and wonderful. We are still learning to communicate and express ourselves. I thought after years alone I would miss my alone time but I don't. He gives me space when I need it and I enjoy knowing he's right there if I need or desire him. It's comfortable and easy. It's exciting and wet. It's squishy in my hand and I throw it like a rock.

I must confess that a few of my favorite bloggers frighten me. What if Jeanie decides he's become so much a woman that he craves a boyfriend not a girlfriend. Even in the light that tonight he asked how I felt about being engaged I am seeing a few of you in the painful realizations that you've outgrown your spouses and I don't know if I could bare Jeanie falling out of love with me. I want him as my companion forever even if the fairy godmother gave him breasts and a va jajae and he wanted to sing soprano at the local baptist church.

Despite my fear, I will never suppress Jeanie's need to grow, experiment, and evolve into whatever he wants to be. I love him too much to do that and this is why I don't understand and what I don't dig but my backyard is different than yours.

What I mean is that my story is different. I have always been attracted to pretty men. I have dated cross dressers. I saw Jeanie before I knew that Gene existed. He was too young (29 to my 35) and he was so far away. I even thought he had a girlfriend and I didn't approach him like "Oh yeah, I'm going to make you mine" I came to him in curiosity and interest. It just turned into so much more on its own like people tell you it will but you don't believe them because you're single and wish to the Baby Jesus that it wasn't so.

And maybe that's the difference. Your mates met you as males and didn't have a clue about your secret closet in the trunk of your car.

I don't know what I face. I don't know if I should continue to fear what some of you have written to me as being inevitable in private emails. It doesn't matter this moment. I am merely grateful and if he desires, I'll always be along for the ride.

2009-02-11T03:26:00.000-08:00

Just when I was prepared to take a day off to seek out the perfect new home for my gang of girls, I lucked into a beautiful house two streets down in my neighborhood. I'm leaving the corner of New Jersey for the corner of Independence. I should be settled in by the third of March.
A month later, Jeanie and I will be heading to New York for his Baby Sister's wedding. I am a bit nervous. I have yet to meet his family. Historically, I do not get along well with mother types due to my inability to bond with the one I call Momma. She is by far the complicated relationship in my life and after years of pain and anguish I have all but given up on finding a way to give it a happily ever after.
A friend of mine who is a true Monk archetype, says I was born under the Sitting Buddha and that I must learn everything on my own and teach it to others. I believe this to be true. Despite being abandoned by my own mother at the tender of age of 7 and forgotten long before that, my daughter never fails to tell me that I'm the coolest Mom ever and more; more a best friend and the one she can truly depend upon. Sometimes in the absence of something, we learn its true definition.
The Scene Girl is such an angel; its not hard to want to protect and love and understand her beauty and joy and kindness. She's a good kid who makes good grades and is very self governing and independent. She's protective of the weak; understanding of everyone. She loves my Momma based on her own experience not mine and I respect her for that.
Jeanie started his new job yesterday. He came home all preppy and boy and excited like it was the first day of school. He wants to make pink cupcakes for Thursday's Valentines Day themed pot luck at work because "it might be the only time I can make something pink and it be acceptable." I think pink should always be acceptable.
I scolded him for the condition I found the house in and that was all that was required. He quickly sat down and made a list of to do's before preparing the coffee maker for this morning so all I had to do was press a button.
I'm a lucky motherless child. Loved orphan. Misfit mom. Crossdresser's Girlfriend

Bad Girl? Bad Boy?

2009-02-10T17:26:00.001-08:00

Deep down, I think Matt is fascinated by my alternative lifestyle.
A submissive himself, I taunt him with sweet sordid details.
Today we had lunch together in the break room.
He complained that I don't eat my sushi correctly. I tell him soy is too salty; it's yummy and spicy and that's what matters.
I told him about how we lost Jeanie's breasts to my 13 year old who hasn't grown her own yet.
"Does Jeanie wear women's underwear all the time?"
"Unless he's being punished."
He laughed. It's true though. He enjoys all things feminine. I haven't found the one revolving fascination like most CDs have. For some it seems to be panty hose, others shoes, but for him it's everything though he has a thing for corsets maybe a little more than most.
To take any quality of femininity away from him is punishment and this plays with me. I hate to deny him anything but I don't think I've been strict enough lately. He's leaving me little hints that he's longing for me to put my high heeled foot smack down on the middle of his back and take a stroll.
Hints like not keeping the house as tidy as I like. The laundry is behind and my my clothes are clumsily out of order (color coded by garment type-tank tops to full length dresses and coats). I was late to work on Friday because my favorite pair of jeans were mingled in a stack of his jeans. Lazy has replaced his obedience. He's whining at simple requests....like a brat...like a boy and I'm at the end with all this bad behavior.
I am not sure as to what is required. Take away his panty and bra privileges? Spank his bottom a pretty pink?

2009-02-09T15:09:00.000-08:00

Today, Cousin David called me to say that he saw Shawn on Saturday. Shawn is the most gorgeous gay man I've ever had the pleasure of sharing the same air with and I adored him almost immediately. I don't know if I should say he's gay. I don't think he's all the way gay. When gay men kiss you, there's no taste just like kissing little boys when I was little. When I've kissed Shawn there was definitely a taste. He certainly likes other men and he's very active in the gay community in issues that others don't begin to bring up. I admire him in many ways but I adore him for the way his body always goes limp when he sees me as if I'm just too much and he says, "Oh My God there She is..."
So David says he's well and he asked about me. He said, "David, I have to see Joni. I want a baby. I'm ready for a baby and I've decided she's the perfect one to give me one. I want her to be the mother of my baby."
This thrilled me and I think I twirled it around on my finger all morning and even caught myself smiling and giving out kindness from the fact that Shawn would actually want me to mother his child. That's so beautiful. How could there be any greater compliment? There isn't one. I wonder how Jeanie would feel about me giving a baby to Shawn. He never puts rules on me and while I am most pleased to have one beautiful daughter and no more, I believe that someone as wonderful as Shawn deserves a child to love as I have loved The Scene Girl.
It was a good day.
Jeanie starts work tomorrow.
I picked him up B12 on the way home. We need nail polish remover but I did remember dog food and I'm trying to talk him into giving the bearded ladies baths and a good grooming tonight. It's so warm and beautiful out.

2009-02-08T14:40:00.000-08:00

Saturday night, Jeanie and I watched the first episode of RuPaul's Drag Race. Coincidentally, we had been at Legends the night before and caught the amateur drag show hosted by none other than Victoria "Porkchop" Parker; the first contestant voted off. Tonight, I made a dish for dinner in her honor. I was sad to see Ms. Parker voted off so early on. She's a whole lotta woman and I bet you dimes to doughnuts that none of the costumes brought in for that challenge were going to fit a 300 pound drag queen. The sleeker drag queens had an advantage. I watched her perform on Friday night and she was stunning. She really is the Paula Deen of Drag; funny and charming and has amazing talent. She finished the show with Jennifer Hudson's "Spotlight" and walked away with more cash than she alone could carry. The episode put her in a dim light but I assure you that she was better than the show portrayed. In her honor, I made pork chops for dinner tonight.

For those of you who watched my video of Friday night, you may think that Jeanie was so drunk that he couldn't walk but it wasn't so much the booze. He was buzzed but that wasn't really it. For the last week or so, he's had tingling and numbness in his left foot. At times, he can't feel it at all which combined with the drinks, made walking to the car very difficult. It's really freaking us out. An acquaintance of mine was recently diagnosed with MS following similar symptoms. It began after a night in cheap heels and I want to think that he pulled a muscle or something. He says he's in no pain but if the numbness persists, we'll have to visit the doctor.

We are amazingly happy and I think it's our cynical nature to expect a shoe to drop. He keeps talking about it and I tell him not to feed into it and yet, I find it in my mind as well. I'm actually blogging about it.

I finally broke a 1,000 views and have accumulated a few followers. I don't think I'm any closer to finding other females like myself. I've come to the conclusion that other females like myself don't really enjoy the company of other females just as I don't.

Going to Legends on Friday, I was floored at how many gay men made it a point to approach and openly embrace me. Jeanie says this happens everywhere we go but I think it definitely happens in the gay community much more frequently. Perfect gay strangers would flirt and swirl me around like a doll. For a long time I was single. I tried to date but never got beyond the third with any one. I might have been lonely had it not been for so many gorgeous gay men who kept me company until I found Jeanie. There was affection but it was never sexual though sometimes I found myself crushing on a few of them.

I spotted a cross dresser almost immediately after entering Legends. I couldn't get much out of her, but once she met Jeanie she was a real chatter box. They made fast friends once I pressed Jeanie to ask her to dance. Sharon is married. I asked her if her wife knew. She said yes, but that she didn't like it all. "She's attracted to my male side; not the me that wears dresses and lipstick."

There was no question that Sharon was a male. I have a quick eye for these things so I was absolutely shocked when this beautiful blond creature kissed me and I felt stubble. I truly believed my friend Adam and I had been dancing with a lesbian all night. When I realized she was a male to female, I was so rude! I actually grabbed her breasts and asked what she had in there. She said, "You know what's in there" and kissed me again. While I was quick to find a cross dresser, Blondie was quick to see that I was someone who could openly accept her.

Life is a beautiful adventure where very few things are as they appear to be.

An UNO Night

2009-02-07T14:08:00.001-08:00

Taking Out My Crossdresser

2009-02-07T10:10:00.000-08:00

2009-02-04T00:37:00.000-08:00

This is not Jeanie.

This is Monica.

She was sitting in a corner all alone and I absolutely could not resist her. It was her first time out in a short mini skirt and heels and I absolutely could not resist her. I told Jeanie I had to kiss her. Jeanie stood close and watched. Afterwards, Jeanie touched my arm and said, "Kiss her again. I'll take your picture." Later he admitted to feeling jealous and aroused all at once but not in balanced proportions. For me, the moment was exhilarating. I had found a lover who didn't desire to chain my passionate impulses or whose love couldn't be threatened by seeing me display affection to another. Love came with a lot of freedom for me and I wish it for everyone. It makes me sad to think of the Monicas out there who feel they cannot be everything that they are in broad daylight. I can't get my mind around the secrecy of the transgender world. I sometimes wonder if the secrecy is part of the appeal which is even harder for me to understand because living out loud is just.so.much.fun.

A video from our New Year's Eve

2009-01-31T06:57:00.001-08:00

Cousin David

2009-01-31T06:20:00.000-08:00

Cousin David rarely misses a chance to tell my sister and I that we are to blame for his homosexuality. He was our doll-a blond pretty doll with a thin frame and big beautiful blue eye framed in long lashes any girl would die for. We shared all of our favorite girl games with him; we made clothes for dolls, built elaborate homes in the thick of the woods behind our house and he claimed my easy bake oven and made better cakes than I did. Dressing him up like a girl was one of our favorite past-times. As we grew into brave young teens, we would take him out of the safety of the indoors and out into the world to see if he could pass as a genuine girl. We got such a high from fooling the public at large and transforming an awkward boy into a giggly girl.

Even though we took him everywhere, he would often say, "I wish I was a girl so I could do everything you do!" We didn't understand what he meant. He did do everything we did! We didn't realize at that time that he meant dating boys. He wanted to date boys and being feminine was what he thought he had to be in order to attract other boys.

I think I knew at an early age that David was gay. It came as no surprise when he came out in the late 20's. When he asked what I thought of him as an open gay, I said I loved him all the more because he was now an honest person. Honesty in all its complexity is such a wonderful thing to be. There is no authenticity in being something that you aren't.

When I fell in love with Jeanie, David said it was nice to not be the only one in an alternative lifestyle. I believe I've always been alternative; typical, normal, nice and neat were just never terms I would use to describe myself or my interests. I have to work today because of the Job Fair. Afterwards, Jeanie and I are going to David and Mark's for UNO with the boys. I'm so glad I thought to keep some of my sister's bathing suits that she discarded. Putting on a pink bathing suit for the hot tub makes Jeanie so happy.

Oh What Will The Crossdresser Wear?

2009-01-30T18:51:00.000-08:00

Jeanie just finished this video today.

I love it so much!

Quality Time with the Crossdresser

2009-01-30T04:59:00.000-08:00

I'm spending more time at the office this week than I am at home. Last night I picked up a couple of bottles of champagne, chocolates, and Mr. Bubbles. Sometimes it has to be about quality not quantity. I hope our new home will have a bathtub made for two. Bubble baths are one of our favorite things to do.

Afterwards, I did Jeanie's makeup and he tried on one of the dresses I found him at Goodwill on Wednesday. I love the local Goodwill store! It's well organized and there's always sweet finds just waiting to be discovered.

This little number still had the original tags on it and I couldn't find the reason why someone discarded it unless it just didn't fit or maybe, the instinctively knew that it belonged to a Crossdresser out there...

After a couple of drag queens gave me some helpful criticism, I have tried to apply Jeanie's make up in darker shades. I was always taught that was a no-no; you are supposed to try to apply a really close match to the natural skin tone but I'm learning those rules don't apply to Jeanie. I've been playing around with pancake make up but last night I used concealer around the jawline and lips and I tried out a foundation he had called Cool Match by Rimmel. I liked the texture and it was easy to apply. I never use sponges. I don't think you get a good even application with them. Fingertips just work better.

The eyes are still a touchy point. It gets easier each time, but someone coming at your eye with a wand is unnerving and I have yet to apply eyeliner and mascara flawlessly. I keep trying.

I hope to make some videos over the weekend. I asked him if I could post a few of my favorites and he said of course so maybe I'll do that soon.

In between Days

2009-01-27T18:35:00.000-08:00

When I go shopping and can't find a single thing I want, I know that I'm in between days; a term I use to describe a feeling that who I am and what I'm about doesn't quite fit anymore and change hangs in the air almost close enough to touch. With every step I take I am aware that I'm going in a new direction. Friends are becoming are strangers. Strangers are becoming friends. Everything begins with a thought and clearly I recall a thought last week. I was on my bed staring at my Buddha Goddess thinking, "What will it take to move me from here to someplace else to someplace closer to where I belong?"
This morning I got the call that begins the move. For some time, I've been renting from my Aunt J all with the promise I had the option to buy but never quite getting around to it. It was one of those things we spoke of in the beginning and just stopped speaking of as time went on and then she calls me to say she wanted to see me so she could talk to me about something. I knew that something would be easier just served straight out of the box and it was. She tells me that her daughter-the daughter who left her with the mortgage of a poorly maintained house was now reuniting with the husband she gave up for a much younger version now that she's pregnant (unsure if it's the husband's baby or the boyfriend's but who cares?). She had promised me that she would never do this to me but it was always a promise I knew she wouldn't keep. Your children will always come first no matter what a lousy job you did raising them.

I didn't speak in anger or hurt. I thought about ...the thought and that my Buddha Goddess heard my thought and it manifested. I am moving elsewhere though I believe it to be close. I love this neighborhood and The Scene Girl loves her school and friends. I will find something close but something new just the same. I don't know if I'm up for a move but instead of speaking of it in dreadful terms, over dinner we talked about all the things our new home will have that this one doesn't as well as the things we will no longer have to deal with and wondering if Sirena the Dog will be able to open the doors with her nose as she does now. We spoke of how lousy it was to get such short notice (less than a month) but how we will be sure to leave the house just as the rightful last owner left it (covered in dirt, two weeks of trash, dirty dishes, beer cans in the bushes, and walls covered in crayon and kool-aid). We wont of course, but it's a funny thought rather than to think of all the hard work we put into cleaning, painting, and redecorating.

The Scene Girl got her eyebrows waxed, fresh pink splashed in her bangs and her roots bleached to match the rest of the top of her head. While she was having her hair done, I was preparing for the job fair on Saturday and Jeanie was at a job interview on the other side of the building. The slump in the economy has left few jobs but they are abundant within my company. Tired of watching my Long Island Girl search in vain, I arranged an interview with a different division of my company. I wasn't just tired; I was frustrated. I lack in Jeanie patience. He lacks in my ambition. It went well and Jeanie starts on February 9th. We'll have to go shopping for boy clothes; probably at Goodwill. The thought of paying full price for boys clothes seem ridiculous to us both. I had hoped that Jeanie could find a lifestyle that would afford her dresses and stockings but a job like that is hard to find. Jeanie was approached to do drag shows but after witnessing one, he couldn't get up the nerve. He's not a drag queen; not even close. He's just beautiful and looks good in his you tube videos but that's not the same as performing live in a gay club. I would still like him to live out loud and in pink but we haven't found that place yet but maybe we are close...just in between days.

Kick Off Party

2009-01-25T08:51:00.000-08:00

Since beginning this blog, Jeanie has been dying to take a look.

I've given him updates on who I'm reading and who is reading me but I've yet to give him permission to take a look for himself. He asked if I would prefer him not to read my blog. I asked the what if's. What if I offend him? What if I hold back because I know he's reading? My Daughter the Scene Girl was listening and said she felt that our blogs should be private. She said that we share everything: our time, our home, our wardrobes and that maybe, we needed a place and space that was strictly our own. Jeanie has a blog on myspace but no more. He opted for a different blog site and found a place that is sacred and all his own.

Last night just before I began getting ready for the party, I got an email from a woman who is quite similar to myself, although more well-versed and comfortable within the LGBTQ community. It's exciting to think that there are others who can identify with my experiences and can share their experiences with me. I hope to get to know her better as well as others I'm growing quite fond of through their blogs.

Jeanie and I have calculated that it takes around four hours for the both of us to get ready for an event from shower to shoes to the last little accessory. I am not complaining! I love transforming Jeanie! Sitting across from him and picking just the right shades for the just the right contures and shadows is like one of my most favorite things to do. Dressing him was not necessary last night. He could dress himself. The assumption I made was that it takes me two hours to do myself and two hours to do Jeanie, but that's not factual. I realized that a large portion of the four hours is spent on me. Getting myself ready is far more tedious though you would think it would be the other way around. A girl into a girl should be easier than a boy into a girl but it's not. Maybe because I'm not so much a girl anymore. I am 36 and there seems to be more work involved in looking good than was needed at 16 or 26 or even 30. Making Jeanie beautiful isn't hard to do at all. He is so sleek and runway and heroin sheek without needing heroin. In a dress he comes closer to being Kate Moss than I ever will.

Jeanie was ready in no time. He hovered around my vanity and was quite enamored by me in hot rollers. He took picture after picture and even did a video I'm sure he'll edit and want to post on youtube. I saw nothing attractive about me in rollers.

I did like the finished look and while I had my doubts on how Jeanie would feel in a suit and tie, I thought we made a lovely couple on the way out. My assumption that it would only take me two hours to get ready, gave us a late start and we didn't leave the house until 7:30.

The party took place at a beautiful place called the Fair Barn. Every company party has a theme and this year's theme was a Hollywood one. When you entered you had to walk down the red carpet while men with cameras mobbed you. The floor was scattered with Hollywood stars and I found my name. Jeanie was sure to pull it up before we left and it's now on my kitchen floor by the coffee maker. By the time we got there the party was in full swing. Large buffet tables and bars lined the sides of the room, couples danced and everything shimmered. Photo booths were set up. The lines were always long and we missed out on having a picture like a magazine cover made but we did get a shutter book made. We danced in front of a video camera and two minutes later a book filled with 30 or so shots that make a silly little film was given to us later. I absolutely love it.

All the employees were asked to go upstairs for this year's gift which were wrist watches by Skagen in cases with our company logo. I picked out a silver steel one that's unbelievable light weight.

I wasn't sure how comfortable Jeanie would be at the party. This was the first time he met my coworkers and people react differently when in the company of strangers but I shouldn't have worried. He was charming and fun and the best date ever. We danced and mingled and had a wonderful time that we didn't want to end.

As so many people face unemployment and financial hardships, I am grateful to have a job I enjoy. I think all of us in attendance felt that way last night. I feel amazingly blessed to work with such wonderful people and that our hard work is taking our company into new exciting directions.

As we were leaving, I made it a point to thank the president of the company for a great party and for the opportunity to be a part of something I really believe in. He is a very quiet and reserved man; a man I rarely approach and one I only speak to when he speaks to me first. I don't know why he makes me so nervous, but he does. Maybe it was the wine but I actually spoke with intelligence to him last night without feeling I was merely babbling. He actually embraced me and gushed with compliments of the wonderful job I do and how he felt I was the most dedicated and hard working employee in his company. I've worked for him for several years now and I was so touched by his words. It just makes me want to do an even better job for him.

The Scene Girl had a party of her own. Her best female friend, her best male gay friend, and her best boy cousin spent the night and I think they finally crashed around 4 am. They got a kick out of my wobbly entrance into the house and when I let them peer into my bedroom to see Jeanie coming out of his boys clothes and seeing he had worn a bra and panty hose underneath !

The After Party wasn't so bad either.....

Making my Boyfriend Dress Like A Boy

2009-01-24T07:30:00.001-08:00

While the south isn't exactly known for its diversity, Jeanie claims that he feels more comfortable being himself here than in New York. I think that's because there are no rules governing his identity outside of his native land of Long Island. He's not going to run into an old roommate or an Auntie here that only knew him when his hair was short and shirts were striped and whitey tighties were the only thing in his underwear drawer.

We get looks when I do his hair and makeup and put him in girl clothes for a day of shopping but no one points or stares or makes remarks that could sting and hurt my sensitive one. I prefer the company of The Boys; a vast group of confirmed bachelors that allow me to be Queen at every party and get together. They understand me. They get me. They know I am not different; I'm just a drag queen in a woman's body. Walking in with an Amazon on my arm didn't raise an eyebrow. They embraced him as my "other" and only questioned if they could still grab me from behind and make out with me when they wanted. Of course! That's not sexual. That's just instant gratification; that's just love. Love, Love, Love!!!!

It's wonderful to introduce Jeanie to a world where he is free to wear a dress outside of his bedroom making you tube videos as his only social outlet.

I wish that we were going to David an Mark's tonight instead of to my company function. Even a boring night at the club would be better. I feel guilty making him put on a suit or spending money on a new shirt and tie when I could have bought him a pair of stripper shoes. It will feel funny to take the time to carefully apply make up and hairspray and clothes and not do the same for Jeanie.

Of course, a good girlfriend knows how to repay a cross dresser. When we get home tonight I'll strip him out of those boy clothes, put him in a pink nightie and drag him by his pony tail into my bed where I'll do the things that make him giggle and squeal like a naughty cheerleader whose parents are out of town.

Give and take. Take and give. It's a good life, really.

An authentic life of my own design.