Tuesday, January 19, 2010


So maybe I'm not done.
I'm not so dead as I am grieving.
I don't think I would let myself when we broke up because I would have never gotten through it. Telling the Crossdresser to leave was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I never thought I could do it and I'm still not sure how I did it except that something else took over for me. Maybe an angel. Maybe a demon. Either way being without her is painful and awful. I miss her on every possible level. She is the kindest, sweetest person I've ever known and she is gone. Irrefutably and painfully absent from my life.
The strange thing is that I knew where she had gone. I don't know how except to think that psychically we are still together in some way. There is no other explaination. While I read her blog for details, she never said where she was and yet I knew. I knew other
details she did not say in her blog.
Thinking you know something and knowing it to be sincere truth are two different things. A thought doesn't slice you open the way a nasty truth can. My worst fear has come true and fucked with my whole head. My Crossdresser wasted no time in moving in finding a MAN to take my place. How fucked up is that?
I'll tell you what is more fucked up: the thought that I made him do it. Maybe I didn't give him any choice. I begged him to go home and he just wouldn't. He even got a call from his Mom upon leaving. He thought I called her but I didn't. She must have been reading the blog. Why did he go and is it my fault? I'm racked with grief and guilt.
I cried and screamed in tongues. Did I force him to go upon his nature? This pains me with an empathy that only someone who has been defiled can feel.
Today we spoke and now I know the truth and felt salty tears for the first time since we broke up. I could feel the pain in her voice. We both admitted to wishing we could take it all back: the move, the breakup, everything that pulled us apart.
And yet, there is no way to stop the here and now. I again begged her to go home. What I didn't say was "Oh please go home and stay safe and warm and I'll come for you when I can." Some people are hard to tear apart. I will always love Jeanie. I will never stop loving her but I love her enough to know I wasn't making her happy. She had grown as much as she could possibly grow with me. I believe she is meant for wonderful things and I love her enough to not stand in her way.
I spent the afternoon crying across my bed. I can still smell her there. I can still feel her if I try. I hope I never stop trying.
Please pray for the Crossdresser.
Please pray for the Crossdresser's Girlfriend.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


The Crossdresser's Girlfriend has died.
I am no one's girlfriend now.
An era has ended in more ways than one.
I thought I should weep but I didn't.
I am bothered that I am not more emotional.
I feel cold and heartless.
The truth is I couldn't care for her anymore.
One should know their limitations.
I know mine.
Now I must strip the love from my life.
It's a bit like pulling off a band aid.
This is the first relationship that turned me off from love.
I can't imagine entangling myself in another one.
I am truly free.
I want to stay that way.
This is my last entry.
It would feel random to be writing under a title I no longer hold.
I will not remove.
Not now anyway.
I have found great comfort in blogging and will begin a new one.
If you want to follow, let me know.
Goodbye Friends.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Leaving Carolina

To say the Crossdresser and I are a little tense would be an understatement.
In a matter of weeks, we gave notices, sold or gave away most of our possessions and moved across state on New Year's Eve.
We drove away with a fat debit card and what we could fit in the car.
The landlord has called but I didn't listen to his message.
We left it clean but with a little more than there than when we moved in.
We did the best we could and besides-he kept my deposit for breaking the lease-no hard feelings.
I was feeling pretty good.
I felt free and hopeful.
I'm supposed to be the exception to the rule not the example.
The car started to overheat about half way there.
It was awful.
To find yourself on the side of the road with everything you own.
The boys came running.
I made it to a grocery store parking lot.
It took both cars to put what we had in one.
Shell shocked our way through the New Years.
I didn't anticipate my car breaking down.
It had been running fine the way cars that are paid off run.
Little space and short fuses.
Did I tell you that the Crossdresser quit drinking?
It makes for more fun.
Maybe I'm in over my head but I work well that way.
I added a donate button to my blog.
It's only until I secure a job and get things rolling.
I need your help but won't ask for it.
I believe that things happen in their own short cook way.
I'll cook up something.
I just don't know if we'll survive-the two of us.
Jeanie has shut down in so many ways that I don't know if there is such a thing as recovery.
Love recovery.
Again-I believe things work themselves out as long as we participate in the work and he isn't. He's lazy and grumpy and going through the motions. I'm sending out resumes and doing what I know to do but it's like he doesn't know what to do. He hasn't even looked for a job. He feels like a weight on my back when he should be helping me.
Chariots race in my mind.