Saturday, January 31, 2009

A video from our New Year's Eve

Cousin David

Cousin David rarely misses a chance to tell my sister and I that we are to blame for his homosexuality. He was our doll-a blond pretty doll with a thin frame and big beautiful blue eye framed in long lashes any girl would die for. We shared all of our favorite girl games with him; we made clothes for dolls, built elaborate homes in the thick of the woods behind our house and he claimed my easy bake oven and made better cakes than I did. Dressing him up like a girl was one of our favorite past-times. As we grew into brave young teens, we would take him out of the safety of the indoors and out into the world to see if he could pass as a genuine girl. We got such a high from fooling the public at large and transforming an awkward boy into a giggly girl.
Even though we took him everywhere, he would often say, "I wish I was a girl so I could do everything you do!" We didn't understand what he meant. He did do everything we did! We didn't realize at that time that he meant dating boys. He wanted to date boys and being feminine was what he thought he had to be in order to attract other boys.
I think I knew at an early age that David was gay. It came as no surprise when he came out in the late 20's. When he asked what I thought of him as an open gay, I said I loved him all the more because he was now an honest person. Honesty in all its complexity is such a wonderful thing to be. There is no authenticity in being something that you aren't.
When I fell in love with Jeanie, David said it was nice to not be the only one in an alternative lifestyle. I believe I've always been alternative; typical, normal, nice and neat were just never terms I would use to describe myself or my interests. I have to work today because of the Job Fair. Afterwards, Jeanie and I are going to David and Mark's for UNO with the boys. I'm so glad I thought to keep some of my sister's bathing suits that she discarded. Putting on a pink bathing suit for the hot tub makes Jeanie so happy.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Oh What Will The Crossdresser Wear?

Jeanie just finished this video today.

I love it so much!

Quality Time with the Crossdresser

I'm spending more time at the office this week than I am at home. Last night I picked up a couple of bottles of champagne, chocolates, and Mr. Bubbles. Sometimes it has to be about quality not quantity. I hope our new home will have a bathtub made for two. Bubble baths are one of our favorite things to do.

Afterwards, I did Jeanie's makeup and he tried on one of the dresses I found him at Goodwill on Wednesday. I love the local Goodwill store! It's well organized and there's always sweet finds just waiting to be discovered.

This little number still had the original tags on it and I couldn't find the reason why someone discarded it unless it just didn't fit or maybe, the instinctively knew that it belonged to a Crossdresser out there...

After a couple of drag queens gave me some helpful criticism, I have tried to apply Jeanie's make up in darker shades. I was always taught that was a no-no; you are supposed to try to apply a really close match to the natural skin tone but I'm learning those rules don't apply to Jeanie. I've been playing around with pancake make up but last night I used concealer around the jawline and lips and I tried out a foundation he had called Cool Match by Rimmel. I liked the texture and it was easy to apply. I never use sponges. I don't think you get a good even application with them. Fingertips just work better.

The eyes are still a touchy point. It gets easier each time, but someone coming at your eye with a wand is unnerving and I have yet to apply eyeliner and mascara flawlessly. I keep trying.

I hope to make some videos over the weekend. I asked him if I could post a few of my favorites and he said of course so maybe I'll do that soon.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

In between Days

When I go shopping and can't find a single thing I want, I know that I'm in between days; a term I use to describe a feeling that who I am and what I'm about doesn't quite fit anymore and change hangs in the air almost close enough to touch. With every step I take I am aware that I'm going in a new direction. Friends are becoming are strangers. Strangers are becoming friends. Everything begins with a thought and clearly I recall a thought last week. I was on my bed staring at my Buddha Goddess thinking, "What will it take to move me from here to someplace else to someplace closer to where I belong?"
This morning I got the call that begins the move. For some time, I've been renting from my Aunt J all with the promise I had the option to buy but never quite getting around to it. It was one of those things we spoke of in the beginning and just stopped speaking of as time went on and then she calls me to say she wanted to see me so she could talk to me about something. I knew that something would be easier just served straight out of the box and it was. She tells me that her daughter-the daughter who left her with the mortgage of a poorly maintained house was now reuniting with the husband she gave up for a much younger version now that she's pregnant (unsure if it's the husband's baby or the boyfriend's but who cares?). She had promised me that she would never do this to me but it was always a promise I knew she wouldn't keep. Your children will always come first no matter what a lousy job you did raising them.

I didn't speak in anger or hurt. I thought about ...the thought and that my Buddha Goddess heard my thought and it manifested. I am moving elsewhere though I believe it to be close. I love this neighborhood and The Scene Girl loves her school and friends. I will find something close but something new just the same. I don't know if I'm up for a move but instead of speaking of it in dreadful terms, over dinner we talked about all the things our new home will have that this one doesn't as well as the things we will no longer have to deal with and wondering if Sirena the Dog will be able to open the doors with her nose as she does now. We spoke of how lousy it was to get such short notice (less than a month) but how we will be sure to leave the house just as the rightful last owner left it (covered in dirt, two weeks of trash, dirty dishes, beer cans in the bushes, and walls covered in crayon and kool-aid). We wont of course, but it's a funny thought rather than to think of all the hard work we put into cleaning, painting, and redecorating.

The Scene Girl got her eyebrows waxed, fresh pink splashed in her bangs and her roots bleached to match the rest of the top of her head. While she was having her hair done, I was preparing for the job fair on Saturday and Jeanie was at a job interview on the other side of the building. The slump in the economy has left few jobs but they are abundant within my company. Tired of watching my Long Island Girl search in vain, I arranged an interview with a different division of my company. I wasn't just tired; I was frustrated. I lack in Jeanie patience. He lacks in my ambition. It went well and Jeanie starts on February 9th. We'll have to go shopping for boy clothes; probably at Goodwill. The thought of paying full price for boys clothes seem ridiculous to us both. I had hoped that Jeanie could find a lifestyle that would afford her dresses and stockings but a job like that is hard to find. Jeanie was approached to do drag shows but after witnessing one, he couldn't get up the nerve. He's not a drag queen; not even close. He's just beautiful and looks good in his you tube videos but that's not the same as performing live in a gay club. I would still like him to live out loud and in pink but we haven't found that place yet but maybe we are close...just in between days.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Kick Off Party

Since beginning this blog, Jeanie has been dying to take a look.

I've given him updates on who I'm reading and who is reading me but I've yet to give him permission to take a look for himself. He asked if I would prefer him not to read my blog. I asked the what if's. What if I offend him? What if I hold back because I know he's reading? My Daughter the Scene Girl was listening and said she felt that our blogs should be private. She said that we share everything: our time, our home, our wardrobes and that maybe, we needed a place and space that was strictly our own. Jeanie has a blog on myspace but no more. He opted for a different blog site and found a place that is sacred and all his own.

Last night just before I began getting ready for the party, I got an email from a woman who is quite similar to myself, although more well-versed and comfortable within the LGBTQ community. It's exciting to think that there are others who can identify with my experiences and can share their experiences with me. I hope to get to know her better as well as others I'm growing quite fond of through their blogs.

Jeanie and I have calculated that it takes around four hours for the both of us to get ready for an event from shower to shoes to the last little accessory. I am not complaining! I love transforming Jeanie! Sitting across from him and picking just the right shades for the just the right contures and shadows is like one of my most favorite things to do. Dressing him was not necessary last night. He could dress himself. The assumption I made was that it takes me two hours to do myself and two hours to do Jeanie, but that's not factual. I realized that a large portion of the four hours is spent on me. Getting myself ready is far more tedious though you would think it would be the other way around. A girl into a girl should be easier than a boy into a girl but it's not. Maybe because I'm not so much a girl anymore. I am 36 and there seems to be more work involved in looking good than was needed at 16 or 26 or even 30. Making Jeanie beautiful isn't hard to do at all. He is so sleek and runway and heroin sheek without needing heroin. In a dress he comes closer to being Kate Moss than I ever will.

Jeanie was ready in no time. He hovered around my vanity and was quite enamored by me in hot rollers. He took picture after picture and even did a video I'm sure he'll edit and want to post on youtube. I saw nothing attractive about me in rollers.
I did like the finished look and while I had my doubts on how Jeanie would feel in a suit and tie, I thought we made a lovely couple on the way out. My assumption that it would only take me two hours to get ready, gave us a late start and we didn't leave the house until 7:30.

The party took place at a beautiful place called the Fair Barn. Every company party has a theme and this year's theme was a Hollywood one. When you entered you had to walk down the red carpet while men with cameras mobbed you. The floor was scattered with Hollywood stars and I found my name. Jeanie was sure to pull it up before we left and it's now on my kitchen floor by the coffee maker. By the time we got there the party was in full swing. Large buffet tables and bars lined the sides of the room, couples danced and everything shimmered. Photo booths were set up. The lines were always long and we missed out on having a picture like a magazine cover made but we did get a shutter book made. We danced in front of a video camera and two minutes later a book filled with 30 or so shots that make a silly little film was given to us later. I absolutely love it.

All the employees were asked to go upstairs for this year's gift which were wrist watches by Skagen in cases with our company logo. I picked out a silver steel one that's unbelievable light weight.

I wasn't sure how comfortable Jeanie would be at the party. This was the first time he met my coworkers and people react differently when in the company of strangers but I shouldn't have worried. He was charming and fun and the best date ever. We danced and mingled and had a wonderful time that we didn't want to end.

As so many people face unemployment and financial hardships, I am grateful to have a job I enjoy. I think all of us in attendance felt that way last night. I feel amazingly blessed to work with such wonderful people and that our hard work is taking our company into new exciting directions.

As we were leaving, I made it a point to thank the president of the company for a great party and for the opportunity to be a part of something I really believe in. He is a very quiet and reserved man; a man I rarely approach and one I only speak to when he speaks to me first. I don't know why he makes me so nervous, but he does. Maybe it was the wine but I actually spoke with intelligence to him last night without feeling I was merely babbling. He actually embraced me and gushed with compliments of the wonderful job I do and how he felt I was the most dedicated and hard working employee in his company. I've worked for him for several years now and I was so touched by his words. It just makes me want to do an even better job for him.

The Scene Girl had a party of her own. Her best female friend, her best male gay friend, and her best boy cousin spent the night and I think they finally crashed around 4 am. They got a kick out of my wobbly entrance into the house and when I let them peer into my bedroom to see Jeanie coming out of his boys clothes and seeing he had worn a bra and panty hose underneath !

The After Party wasn't so bad either.....

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Making my Boyfriend Dress Like A Boy

While the south isn't exactly known for its diversity, Jeanie claims that he feels more comfortable being himself here than in New York. I think that's because there are no rules governing his identity outside of his native land of Long Island. He's not going to run into an old roommate or an Auntie here that only knew him when his hair was short and shirts were striped and whitey tighties were the only thing in his underwear drawer.

We get looks when I do his hair and makeup and put him in girl clothes for a day of shopping but no one points or stares or makes remarks that could sting and hurt my sensitive one. I prefer the company of The Boys; a vast group of confirmed bachelors that allow me to be Queen at every party and get together. They understand me. They get me. They know I am not different; I'm just a drag queen in a woman's body. Walking in with an Amazon on my arm didn't raise an eyebrow. They embraced him as my "other" and only questioned if they could still grab me from behind and make out with me when they wanted. Of course! That's not sexual. That's just instant gratification; that's just love. Love, Love, Love!!!!

It's wonderful to introduce Jeanie to a world where he is free to wear a dress outside of his bedroom making you tube videos as his only social outlet.

I wish that we were going to David an Mark's tonight instead of to my company function. Even a boring night at the club would be better. I feel guilty making him put on a suit or spending money on a new shirt and tie when I could have bought him a pair of stripper shoes. It will feel funny to take the time to carefully apply make up and hairspray and clothes and not do the same for Jeanie.

Of course, a good girlfriend knows how to repay a cross dresser. When we get home tonight I'll strip him out of those boy clothes, put him in a pink nightie and drag him by his pony tail into my bed where I'll do the things that make him giggle and squeal like a naughty cheerleader whose parents are out of town.

Give and take. Take and give. It's a good life, really.

An authentic life of my own design.

Friday, January 23, 2009


I created this blog in hopes of finding others like me and while I'm discovering so many beautiful people, I have yet to stumble across a single girlfriend. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. I gave up on girlfriends long ago. Women and their interests typically bore me. I prefer boys though its probably best to use that term loosely. I am only close to only two females: my sister who lives in Europe and my daughter The Scene Girl. Carey and I usually speak on Saturdays but she spent the past weekend in Scotland with her Indian boyfriend. They are going to marry in Spring. I haven't attended any of her weddings and I would so love to be at this one. India fascinates me especially their wedding traditions. I think I've seen Monsoon Wedding a hundred times. At the very least I'd like to meet Akash. When she met Jeanie, she said she loved him immediately because he was like meeting a missing part of me. That's so beautiful to me...

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Cabin Fever

One more day and I would have cabin fever and yet the thought of getting out in the ice and the snow is so daunting. Not wearing heels isn't a real option. Television cameras are coming in today; a local television station thinks that our efforts to recruit new employees in these tough economic times is news worthy. I am at the heart of the story as I am the one recruiting and yet, I hope the guys in marketing take all the glory. I am a work horse not a show dog and I am grateful to the egos that be. I could still end up in a shot and I would want to look my best in case my Daddy is watching. I know he'll be watching. He takes great interest in everything his children do though that wasn't always the case. People change and feelings grow if kept in a warm dry place.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Dress Up

Dressing up Jeanie is one of my favorite things to do and I'm good at it.

Dressing up Gene is a totally different story.

My company is having its anual party on Saturday night.

While most of my co-workers are aware that I'm the Crossdresser's girlfriend, I thought it best to dress my date like Johnny Depp not Angelina Jolie.

While he owns more dresses than I do, he has one part of dress pants, two jackets, three dress shirts and ties he must have worn in grade school.

I should have made him dress like Depp before now but he hates it so much.

Two days away.

I've gotta go shopping or maybe call upon the boys to save the day with something from their closets.

We've been snowed in for the last two days.

It's been a real treat to stay home with the Crossdresser and the Scene Girl and our mop dogs.

I finished "The Memory Keeper's Daughter" and took a browse at Jeanie's books. I discovered Clive Barker's Books of Blood. I can't stop reading.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

This One..Is Not Like The Others

Jeanie tells me I'm a rare find.

I say I'm not when all the while I know that I am.

When I met and fell in love with The Cross dresser, I tried to learn everything there was to know about him and others like him. I also wanted to know more about women like me: women who loved cross dressers. I only found women who loved cross dressers but not the cross dressing. They spoke of cross dressing much the way I would react to finding Jeanie in bed with a man. Horror. Rage. Disappointment that they're mates aren't normal as if normal is a good thing. I dated normal and normal bored me to pieces. Only in Jeanie have I found true completion emotionally, physically, sexually. Surely I can't be the only one and yet, I've yet to find anyone who shares my love for men in dresses.

I was so excited when I read rave reviews about My Husband Betty. I ordered the book right away and barely got it home before I dove into the pages seeking to find a kind of shared experience from similar sisters. Instead I put it on the book shelf only half read because it mostly spoke of cross dressing as a debilitating disease. The best part of the book seems to be the hot CD on the cover. Maybe one day I'll dare to read the rest but for now I accept that I'm living an authentic life without any kind of guide or road map. There are no rules. There's just me and Jeanie.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Head First

It's a turn on to dress Jeanie up in clothes I bought for myself. In this photo The Crossdresser is wearing my lacey tank top and tights. The shorts I found on their side of the closet as well the heels that completed the look. My hips are much wider. I think that's the biggest difference in how we put things on: I slip everything over my head and Jeanie puts eveything on feet first.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Boy George

It started with George.
I knew at the tender age of 9 that I liked pretty boys with long hair, soft features, lipstick smiles and questionable sexuality.
On Friday a judge sentenced George to 15 months for his latest drama. I don't believe it was criminal or deviant as much as sex, drugs and old drag queen antics. I want to send him cigarettes and mascara but haven't found a proper address yet.
As I look at the photo of Boy circa 1982, I see my Crossdresser. Was I just born knowing what love looked like?

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Hello. I love you

I need a place to display what's on my mind and this window seemed as good as any.