I'm not so dead as I am grieving.
I don't think I would let myself when we broke up because I would have never gotten through it. Telling the Crossdresser to leave was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I never thought I could do it and I'm still not sure how I did it except that something else took over for me. Maybe an angel. Maybe a demon. Either way being without her is painful and awful. I miss her on every possible level. She is the kindest, sweetest person I've ever known and she is gone. Irrefutably and painfully absent from my life.
The strange thing is that I knew where she had gone. I don't know how except to think that psychically we are still together in some way. There is no other explaination. While I read her blog for details, she never said where she was and yet I knew. I knew other
details she did not say in her blog.
Thinking you know something and knowing it to be sincere truth are two different things. A thought doesn't slice you open the way a nasty truth can. My worst fear has come true and fucked with my whole head. My Crossdresser wasted no time in moving in finding a MAN to take my place. How fucked up is that?
I'll tell you what is more fucked up: the thought that I made him do it. Maybe I didn't give him any choice. I begged him to go home and he just wouldn't. He even got a call from his Mom upon leaving. He thought I called her but I didn't. She must have been reading the blog. Why did he go and is it my fault? I'm racked with grief and guilt.
I cried and screamed in tongues. Did I force him to go upon his nature? This pains me with an empathy that only someone who has been defiled can feel.
Today we spoke and now I know the truth and felt salty tears for the first time since we broke up. I could feel the pain in her voice. We both admitted to wishing we could take it all back: the move, the breakup, everything that pulled us apart.
And yet, there is no way to stop the here and now. I again begged her to go home. What I didn't say was "Oh please go home and stay safe and warm and I'll come for you when I can." Some people are hard to tear apart. I will always love Jeanie. I will never stop loving her but I love her enough to know I wasn't making her happy. She had grown as much as she could possibly grow with me. I believe she is meant for wonderful things and I love her enough to not stand in her way.
I spent the afternoon crying across my bed. I can still smell her there. I can still feel her if I try. I hope I never stop trying.
Please pray for the Crossdresser.
Please pray for the Crossdresser's Girlfriend.