Monday, May 18, 2009

Crossdressers Girlfriend Meets Monk

This morning, I met Buddhist Monks on the way to work.

I had to stop and say hello.

They are actually my neighbors. There is a monastery across the street from my subdivision and while I felt a strong energy there, I would have never dreamed that it was filled with Buddhist Monks!

I was invited to visit their temple which I would very much like to do. I'm thinking I should bring them a gift but what do you give Monks?

Maybe it's the robes but I was thinking I could take them a bag of oranges.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Strange Trip |t's Been

I apologize for my self mutalation in my last blog.
I was having a moment: tantrums come far less as one gets older but the few are far worse and last longer. I was also giving up an old habit so I'm not sure how much was tantrum and how much was withdrawl. It's hard to say anymore. My perception is changing wildly. After giving up pot, I thought I might like to give up all the vices so I gave up cigarettes this week. It's mostly about changing up routine and I feel much better for it. It's like starting all over again and having to figure it out.
The Crossdresser is growing breasts. I don't know what those vitamins from Taiwan do, but they do because the Crossdressers breasts are growing! It's funny because he's been all butch for weeks now. It doesn't really matter. We were grocery shopping and he was full on boy but I watched people stare at him the same way they do when he's wearing lipstick and pink. It's no different. I think it's because he's just as ;pretty and some things you just can't hide.
He seems happy enough but I"m worried he might get depressed but there seems to be a season as far as crossdressers are concerned. I want Jeanie to be happy; I don't care how he chooses to be happy.
Last night was the first night we've slept away from one another in months. It's not easy being 13. I left work early yesterday and the Scene Girl and I hit the road and landed on the coast of Carolina . Sometimes it's nice when someone drops everything just to spend time with you. I think the gesture is having a wonderul effect on her mood...and mine too.
Later we'll have breakfast and go to the beach. I am hoping to find sea glass and other wonders for my jewelry. The Scene Girl wants to take pictures for her portfolio. She has a great eye. I can appreciate the way she sees the world.
I think I smell coffee downstairs.
I miss Jeanie...

Monday, May 11, 2009

Old Queen

I say I'm not mad; I'm just an old queen.

Jeanie asks what's an old queen.

He then googles it.

That's it. That's an old queen. I resemble the phrase. I definitely look like the photo.
And that's really okay.

It's not exactly like losing my looks; more like I'm gaining another look.
I am not a little girl anymore.

I am not twenty-something.

Iam closer to 40 than 30 and I am an old queen.

Just like Pamela Sue and Cher and Melanie Griffith and a whole bunch of other women that I think are smoking hot.
As I throw in the high heels and burgundy lips, I have been quite busy creating other things of beauty.

First I took an ugly old brown dresser found on the side of the road and turned it into a punky place for the Scene Girl to put her t-shirts and skull n cross bone belts and accessories.

My next project-one that has been time consuming and really fascinating for me has been making jewelry; something I began because the cross dresser found it hard to find good pieces that were not made for genderbenders in mind.

This is a piece fit for a Mermaid's ankle...if Mermaids had ankles. This is an early piece. When I first began I thought of selling my bracelets and earrings and anklets I just enjoy wearing something that was conceived in my mind and doesn't exist anyplace else.

And of course I will offer them to anyone who has a hard time finding jewelry that's the right size and style. Just let me know. I have loads of time now that I won't be in front of the mirror-at least for awhile.

Sunday, May 10, 2009


The Crossdressser didn't want to go to Paulie's.
I was okay with that.
The Crossdresser didn't want to get dressed.
I was okay with that.
Only I wanted to dress.
I have no pictures since I went red.
Feeling funky, I dolled the face, rolled the hair, and put on black undies, fishnets and heels.
I asked the Crossdresser to take photos.
The photos were horrible. I can't decide if he just sucks at taking photos or if my looks suck.
I looked fine in the mirror.
This sent me on a tangent of pity.
Where is the balance?
I paint and photo and prance him perfectly.
Why can't he do the same for me?
When I ask him for these simple pleasures he says he can't.
Obviously he will add photos to this list.
The whole thing left me feeling unattractive.
While I like to think I gave up my vanity, I obviously have not.
Maybe I'm just an old queen but I think I will cover the mirrors for a while until I'm ready to shoot some photos -on my own of course.
I've always had to do things on my own.
Moving a Crossdresser in hasn't changed that-not really.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Oh Drats

My Crossdresser is a ready view and that was lucky for me. While dating another crossdresser, I decided to look up the interaction of crossdressers with their girlfriends-to see if crossdressers even had girlfriends-and there he was. I spent a whole Friday night watching his videos. A couple of days later, I bumped into him on Myspace and the rest is genderblended history...OUR HISTORY.

I openly admit that I don't watch his videos with quite the same diligence as when we first met. I get around to it-love and clap for them-but it might take a week. Today, I wanted to see a video he posted showing a full transition from male to female. I spent 20 minutes searching before we realized his account had been suspended...again!

The funny thing is that he was suspended for the very first video he ever posted which is oh...been on youtube 3 years! Three years later, someone was terribly offended at the belt tied around my Crossdresser's feet. Uh, yeah, he kind of bends that way.

The videos are wildly popular. What's interesting is that besides you tube, the videos are most viewed from my page! Maybe that makes me wildly popular too!

In other weird news, the old friend in the dream showed up about three days later. He asked to call and we spoke in unspecific terms. It was sad to hear that his companies were suffering in these hard times. It was sad to make chit chat with someone I used to tell everything to. I didn't tell him about the Crossdresser and he didn't tell me who he has been keeping time with. Two points of light acknowledging one another from across the Universe. It is best to merely tip hats with those that are Icons in your history. You really don't want to know that life went on or more to the point of life moving on beautifully.

I off to get pretty and pleasing. Paulie called and invited us over for a night of games and drinks. I am all about games and the Crossdresser is excited because I'm going to dress him up like a doll.

Is it strange that I never refer to the crossdresser as SHE or HER or any of that girlie business?

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Hot Mama

On the way to work I got a call that the scene girl wasn't feeling well. I turned around and headed to the middle school. Next year she will be a freshman in high school and I wonder where it all went. I would say that the last few months have been the hardest as a Mother. She has always been walking talking JOY. From the moment she was born she awoke happy and fell asleep content with very little derivative in between. I gave her all my love as only a mother of one child can while giving her a love of fashion flare and a lust for independence sprinkled in wander dust.
Teenage hormones are a bitch.
Suddenly my darling girl has cocked her head with discontent and absolute contempt in her eyes when she is forced to look at me. This is the same child who loved to sit and watch while I put on my face in the morning and when I was through she would say, "You look just like Bella!" That child is being held captive by hormonal angst and I can't save her. Only time will release her and I only hope I'm there to meet her when she makes parole.
I got to the school and made my way up the sidewalk to the administration building. I could hear cat calls coming from the classroom windows but I didn't look. At least...not until a little boy voice yelled, "Hi Scene Girl's Mom!" I stopped in mid-step, waved and said hello back.
When Scene Girl arrived at the office, she told me that all the boys in her class thought I was one hot Mama. She said they all ran to the window to watch me walk down the sidewalk in my clingy dress and heels. When she told them that I was her Mom, her teacher said, "She sure knows how to work it."
This whole scenario pleased her to no end. She said, "We look just alike! If I wore heels and a dress everyday, 8th grade boys would think I was hot too!" For a whole minute she washed me in adoration....this hormonal beast that has locked away my daughter was really digging on the way I could capture attention without even trying and I gave her the certainty that she could do the same.
She might not ever learn to strut but she is one helluva actress. She convinced her teacher to call me when she was perfectly well.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


I've almost completed rehab...if you want to call it there. The whole process has gobbled up my time and money just so that my company knows that I am drug free. I will never consider pot a drug. I have lowered my head and allowed them to place the noose of conformity around my neck but I will never truly believe that I am a better person for not smoking up and chilling out. I've merely accepted that I will spend my life sober as a judge; at least until I retire.
The only real change I've noticed as a non-smoker is that my dreams are very vivid. I sometimes see an old friend or dead family member and do not want to wake up. Sometimes in dreams I revert to a way of thinking from an earlier time in my life. Last night I was chasing an old Italian lover of mine-one that I left long ago and far away in Chicago. It took years to get over him and the pain made me draw upon strengths I never knew I had. But in the dream, I was still chasing his love and money like a little girl. In life I ask nothing of anyone but in the dream I was needy, longing and craved every inch of him and somehow now in waking, I feel my heart race and pound for a love that's dead and gone.
With Rich, I was the submissive which is a very different role than I play today. I've erased that part of me and yet I wake from dreams like that and wonder if in some ways I still long to submit my entire being to another. Maybe I miss being carried on someone's shoulders instead of being the one in charge and in demand.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Point of Interest

My interests vary.
I'm always trying on new ideas and concepts and past times. I try my best to squeeze in those interests between a very busy job and all of my girls at home: 1 teenager, 1 cross dresser and 2 bearded ladies.
It is not easy to do and lately, I haven't had a lot of time to post updates here though there has been just as much to write about.
I can pick and choose my interests but Jeanie cannot.
His pursuit of all things female seems to consume him. Everything revolves around his crossdressing which I've grown to believe is more than just crossdressing. I think he truly longs to be a girl and part of me thinks well, he should be maybe then he could have new interests but I read your blogs and know that isn't true. It never stops. Not really.
For the last week, I've made him dress butch. My daughter has growing pains which those of you that are parents know revolves around hating parental figures. While she wouldn't discuss her issues Jeanie and I decided that he would not dress in front of her for a while. Her mood is better; Jeanie's has grown worse. All weekend he has been moody and terribly sensitive. He recently began using an herbal product from Thailand in hopes of being more feminine and I'm wondering if this is not effecting his moods or maybe it's just the fact that I've inhibited his form of expression.
Life is bumpy but even at its worst it is truly the best of times. I feel so complete in Jeanie's company that even an hour away from him seems too long.