Saturday, November 28, 2009

Pretty In Pink

This morning we held our first yard sale in hopes of getting rid of stuff.
We loaded tons of stuff on to the front lawn and there she sweatshirt, girl jeans, hair pulled back to show off dangle earrings, last night's make up and pink tennis shoes and nails to match. I watch with a non-judgemental eye at how rural people react. There is no reaction. Whether it's a yard sale or a trip to the grocery store, our community doesn't give up the lifetime movie drama you would expect. They are kind and cordial and are careful to keep it very non-gender. I can't say that it's equality but it's gotta mean something or at least it does to me.
The Scene Girl is with us this weekend. She knows we are moving to California and promises to visit in the summer. She is loving and supportive and says she is happy with her Daddy. It feels like I'm being pulled by an invisible force towards the unknown and I pray I'm doing the right things.

Thursday, November 26, 2009


I am grateful.

I have yet to go a day without love.

I know the kindness of the universe.

I got Jesus' word I will get into heaven even if he has to sneak me in through the kitchen entrance.

I have a free spirit and a generous style.

I got legs that own their own zip code.

My home is full of love and friends.

A lovely spread of food is on my table.

I am a dreamer.

What I can't dream I'll scheme into existence.

I have witnessed miracles.

I have experienced joy.

I came from humble beginnings.

I rose above all my karmic misgivings.

I have forgiveness for those who left me for dead.

I thank the angels who broke my fall everytime I lost my balance.

I choose to live out loud.

My life is never boring.

People still surprise me.

I look to the sky and find pink cotton candy and later I'll find stars.

I have kissed the face of God and remembered to lift one leg to my knee.

I taste like raspberries sweet loverly sweat.

I remember to laugh.

I am inspired.

I am destined for greatness.

I'm a little over a month from California.

My mind is as sharp as a fourth grader's pencil.

Dylan wrote songs about me before I was even born.

I felt the spirit of Elvis in the room beside the racquetball court at Graceland.

I once hung out with Janis Joplin in a dream.

I have been baptised in the sea of forgetfulness.

A friend is always a phone call around.

I am drenched in faith.

I get dry with fluffy towels and sleep on silk in the cradle of Jeanie's arms.

I make out with a girl and fuck a gorgeous rock god.

I have a face that begs for love. (Dylan said that)

I get around to everyplace I want to go on my own high-heeled feet.

I never stop learning.

I never stop growing.

I never stop being grateful.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


Despite joining Blogger a month before the Crossdresser, Jeanie has 3 more followers than me.
We have different appeals, I suppose.
It still doesn't mean you should follow me already so I can prove I'm loved.
I do get more comments and emails.
Many of you have sent greetings concerning our move and a few curiosities.
Where are we moving?
San Diego.
In a way, I feel I've always known that's where I was going.
Do you get into numerology.
Well, according to numerology, I'm in a 9 year cycle that ends in 2010.
I didn't get to enjoy San Diego nearly long enough the last time.
I snuck out at dusk to return to my karma cycle.
As that cycle has come to a close, life has been interesting.
Not abundant in some ways and yet rich in others.
I am a lot smarter and cleaner.
I owned up to a lot.
I took a lot.
I feel I've paid my debt and can move on to a greater experience.
A few years back I lived in San Diego but it was just a soft place to land.
It was easy and I knew it couldn't last but it was an easy fit.
I dated alot and made good friends I still talk to.
Now is a perfect time to lay new claim to happiness.
In a way, I'm terrified.
Nobody is going to hire me over the phone so I have to go without employment.
In the same way it's very exciting.
I'm liquidating everything I own for a shot to be where I wanna be and seek out my future.
You have to applaud me for sheer nerve.
That and I'm sick of being beat up and watching others take their licks at my job.
I'm trying to be very non-violent and yet inside I'm raging.
I can't act out.
I have to glide out gracefully though I will have to unclinch my fists and cover my mouth.
Jeanie is the good pet and says she'll follow me anywhere.
I found a trans support group in our new neighborhood (hillcrest...where else would we live?)
I think Jeanie is a lot more real and honest about herself than most.
Maybe she can be an inspiration to others.
She's been talking about another crossdresser.
I know that she longs to have a friend.
Most of our friend are beautiful gay boys and one gender girl.
No one to relate to.
Though my crossdresser has plenty of novelty.
We've talked about Jeanie trying to find employment as a girl.
If you can't try in California, where can you try?
It's a new start and my girl would be so happy to throw away all of her male clothes.
I love her so much that it makes little difference to me.
She's too far gone to ever turn back.
I'll never see her as a male.
If I want that, I'll have to look elsewhere.
Sometimes I do.
Just in thought so far.
Sometimes a girl likes the thought of a 70s porno vanilla straight sexuls afternoon.
I think I'll chase the girl in the pink dress now....

Friday, November 20, 2009

Financing A Dream

After Halloween, Joy snuck out my bedroom window.
She was starved half to death and maybe she could sneak in bed with the neighbors.
It would have to be somewhere close or she'd be found dead by the waste side.
I had broken up with nearly every lovely thing I've known.
I even questioned if I would be a Crossdresser's Girlfriend for much longer.
My job is a soul slayer and I won't survive there.
I certainly won't thrive.
I can give up and conform to the discomfort.
Only I can't.
I don't know how to give out.
My only option is to clear out and move on.
In these instances, I always come to a crossroad of options.
The Devil's Crossroads?
I'll have single strand regrets no matter what I choose.
I'm okay with that.
At least I'll be gone.
I won't have an audience whether I fly or fall.
I hope you read of it in the paper.
Both current options revolve around my beloveds.
Cousin David and Mark say they will make me happy.
I have no doubt they would but what about Jeanie?
I don't think they love him enough to not come between us.
And besides.
Virginia is their destination.
I don't want to be a bystandard in my own story.
And then it occurs to me that a full circle is in order.
I will go to where I was before here.
I loved it there.
She's a long legged woman of a place and it's like God french kissed every inch of her.
So it is decided.
And it is so.
But when?
My last day of work will be on Elvis' birthday (January 8).
I will leave the day before my Momma's birthday (January 11).
Last minute plans are rarely thought out well but that gives them foolish luck.
Last minute plans don't give a lot of time to sort out money.
The most I can save by January is 3 grand.
I think of a U Haul.
U Hauls aren't romantic. Just that human need to drag things around.
Change with the same old stuff around to comfort you.
I don't need any of it.
So it's decided.
I'd rather have a lot of cash than a lot of stuff.
I want to grow money not boxes.
I want a fresh start with fresh money.
Stuff will show back up.
And all this thinking makes my heart pound and my blood flow.
Joy decided she didn't like the neighbors and came on home.
I made her a pan of brownies and she promised to never leave again if I let her get her nose pierced.
I feel a confidence.
I suddenly have piece of mind in giving up everything I own for the chance at peace of mind.
It would so be worth it.

Friday, November 13, 2009


Lately, we've noticed peculiar things.
A candle that had been sitting on the TV for days, flew off and landed on the floor two feet away while a friend and I were having a chat on the couch.
Our dog communicates with thin air and alerts us to it's presence.
In Virginia, I acquired a very strange ceramic piece painted in 1978 by a Jenny Coates.
I named him Richard.
He wears a red robe trimmed in green and rocks a long goatee. There is a goat's head strung on string around his neck, a money pouch around his waist, and a dagger in his right hand. He's evil for sure but I'm not sure why this woman painted him in ceramics class or where she would have found a mold for this particular guy. He's got a certain energy and I wanted him immediately and Cousin David had no choice but give him to me. I wanted to put him with my Geishas but he's too tall for the chef. He sits on a corner shelf overlooking the room.
My kitchen is trashed. Adam decided to make yummy pumpkin pecan chocolate chip cookies. I reminded Jeanie of the rule. I don't have many rules but the kitchen must always be clean before bed. I can't stand to wake up to a mess. Tonight she is feisty and flirty and has had way too much too drink. I promise I will bind and gag you and leave you with a water dish in the bathroom all day if I wake up to a mess. She laughs and says I'm a tease.
And yet, there she is tidying up like a regular house mop.
I experienced a disappointment this week; one I share with no one. A heavy cloud of discontent sat over me. And yet I survived. And yet I thrived. Friends called. Loved ones came by. A young guy at work hands me a book and said he thought I would like it. It was written by a Buddhist Monk I quite admire. I have read his work but not this particular book and I was touched that this quiet boy had honored me in such a way. I snuck off to a Chinese buffet and read the forward by the Dalai Lama. A precious gift.
I bought myself a vintage silver ring with a moonstone as it's center piece. Moons ago I had a moonstone necklace and I had the most curious adventures when I wore it. People seemed to be especially drawn to me and I made friends of strangers quite easily. I lost it somewhere between California and North Carolina. I lost a lot of things crossing the country and wrote letters in the backs of many bibles. I received emails from those who read my letters for quite a few years after those words were written. I wondered if they tore them out or just wrote my email address down so others could discover me in New Mexico, Nebraska, Louisiana, and Kentucky.
Adam gave me an obscure Marilyn Monroe movie on DVD.
I worked hard and worked hard at forgetting about it in the evenings. A few nights I can't remember going to bed.
The Crossdresser asked why I wasn't feeling sexy lately.
I don't know the answer to that one.
I'm just not?
I would just like to make other things.
Plans. Dreams. Flights to far away places.
A ride on a train in large sunglasses and leather gloves and big red lips.
Life is beautiful even when its not.
When you don't get what you wanted more than anything.
When you got all that you ever need.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


I love having morning coffee with Cousin David. Even a morning without coffee because SOMEBODY forgot to buy creamer with a phone call from Cousin David is good.

This morning, he told me about a conversation with his sister. His sister told of how a few of her husbands relatives got drunk and admitted visiting a trio of transsexuals from time to time. His sister immediately saying that she knew they were gay. Dave told her that's not necessarily true. I said it was absolutely not true. I know a few transsexuals who are more feminine than David's sister though we are almost identical and she could be really diva if she wanted but it's not a matter of genes but laziness.

Sexual preference isn't nearly as simple as Stephanie believes it to be. She hasn't been exposed to as much sexuality as Cousin David and I. Straights tend to keep their business in glass jars inside their heads and rarely break them out with honesty. Otherwise, they wouldn't be straights anymore would they?

Yeah, I'm with a guy but that doesn't make me a straight. I gave up on straights years ago and gave up their teachings soon after. If I'm with a guy but he looks, loves and walks it like a girl, how does that make me straight?

Monday, November 9, 2009

Get Behind Me Satan

Mandy is the only gender girl I can take for more than 15 minutes at a time. Taking her along on a sticky sweet candy corn weekend as absolutely the best! I came up with the halo of Christmas star tinsel was my idea. I'm a pretty smart girl.

Except when I'm not.

Our goal was to take loads of pictures with Michael Jacksons but we mostly took pictures of Mandy kissing gay boys. She is an excellent gay boy kisser.

At the after hours club I locked eyes with a very tall drag of a girl standing in the doorway. I later found him sitting by himself so I grabbed his hand and took him upstairs to read his tarot cards. We sat on that couch and I twirled locks of his wig around my finger. He's not trans. I don't think he's even a cross dresser. I really think it was just a costume. I think a crossdresser's girlfriend would know.

The experience left me a little side ways. I miss men. I miss their smell and the silly way they try to charm you. The roar. The thunder. A Lion not a Lamb even if the Lion was sitting there in bad drag.

The powerful dominance of his presence was warm and pleasing. Our flirty conversation oozed with testosterone and I realized I miss that.

I don't know what to do about it.

I guess I'm lucky the night ended quickly and I'll probably never see him again.

Even if I want to a little.

Jeanie dressed the entire weekend and as provocatively as possible. People gaped and stared. She looked like a hooker. We couldn't get her to change. She takes off her makeup and nail polish for work but that's it. She is full female-venturing out without a thought. Our sex is so lesbian and his penis feels strapped on. She really is a girl. I rarely ever see that obnoxious boy anymore and that's a little sad.

I don't know if I'm special enough for this. While I can't imagine being happy in an ordinary guy girl relationship, I can't quite imagine never being attracted to a man again.

Oh, what to do!

I know what I shouldn't do.

Maybe I'm being tested.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

A Witch and her pet

A witch and her pet.
Can't you love on that all day long?
I can.
Of course I can.
Halloween was an absolute blast!
Our friends Mandy and Hakim joined us on a road trip to Cousin David and Mark's in Virginia. Downtown Richmond was jumping with freaks and we fit right in!