Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Inspired Frustration

A Non-Practicing Monk told me that I was born under the Sitting Buddha which means I must learn everything on my own and teach it to others. Nothing more true has ever been said to me. I'm often lonely, frustrated and seem to only learn through trials by fire but as a know it all, I doubt I will trade methods any time soon. It's my raging call-conviction-tumble at overcoming the flesh and finding a deeper sense of spirituality.
I wasn't quite ready for work today. I couldn't sleep at all last night and knew that I couldn't go into that crazy place without at least a couple of hours of dreams, you know? Jeanie doesn't remember dreams. His father often visits me in dreams-I think so that I can communicate things to him. Yes, him. Jeanie's father is terribly clueless to the whole cross dressing issue. Not Jeanie-"His name is Gene!" he says.
I rearranged my shelves. I found some empty frames and looked for suitable photographs. Looking back is never a good thing but there seems to be some sort of answer hidden in my memory pages and boxes-some missing puzzle piece of knowledge that I'm hoping to stumble upon.
I am feeling healthy and strong if maybe a little tired. I'm nearly ready to meet the challenges that await me. I've put on 20 pounds or more since I first felt ill more than a month ago. Not only do I have to get back to work but I have to get back to some resemblance of moderation and discipline. I don't hate myself for this-sometimes things become too much and I just have to sit and shut down and figure the whole thing out because I'm really sensitive. I can pick up bad energy-kind of like a flu of the soul so to speak? Has it been a flu of the soul or am I ready to move forward.
My old boss David found me on Facebook around noon today. For those of you that have befriended me on that medium can see a few new pics I finally got around to uploading. Ah but back to David. Maybe he wasn't a teacher but he took me places and was and IS one of the most influential people in my life. I gave him a ring and we spent three hours just hashing out where we've been and where we're going and I'm just so grateful and encouraged to get passionate and really fight for what I want in life instead of just wading it out and not really being comfortable in my skin much less my life.
Ah...and the crossdresser. Well, he wanted boundaries and I gave them to him and now it's too much "work" for him. I yelled at him for letting Sirena get on the couch after a bath and he stormed off to work the second half of his shift. I'm on the phone with the Scene Girl and he comes in storms to the "man room" with a case of beer and I guess he's looking for the answers to his rebellion in nine inch nails songs. I don't need the friction in my home. I really don't. You want me to treat you like a girl? Act like one. Don't back off into boy mode when you're pissed or whatever. So childish. I love Jeanie but he's being a pain. I try to talk him down but why? He's being a spoiled child I don't recognize right now. I'm sick of riding around on three wheels. I'm always trying to fix something. It makes me want to run away and start from scratch right now. Why wait? I'm broke down someplace off the highway anyways.

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