Saturday, October 24, 2009


I ordered my Halloween costume yesterday.

It was not the one I originally picked out.

The one I really wanted to wear was a naughty cop get up but that was before my defining moment. I will tell you about the defining moment but I don't really feel like having any discussion on it. I'll just share. So it was my first week back at work. I'm racing around the sales floor and I am stopped by a coworker from another department. They use our conference room for active living classes. She stops me with squeals, hands over her mouth and starts congratulating me. I tried to shut the bitch down. I couldn't.

Everyone assured me that I don't look pregnant. Maybe it was the baby doll dress I had on. Maybe it was because I had taken off my heels and put on house shoes so I could climb about the office putting up Halloween decorations. Maybe it was because the bitch had left her husband, pierced her nose and had lost 30 pounds and just wanted to feel better about herself.

It doesn't matter. It was my defining moment. It was time to get real and the truth is I put on 20 pounds while I was sick. 20 pounds on an already thick frame would make me look pregnant in a baby doll dress I suppose. I immediately called my doctor and squeezed a prescription for fat girl pills out of him. He had ragged me about losing weight anyway. One of my boys gave me an exercise bike I have in my living room. I eat very little and never after 3 pm.

So if any of you for one minute think you are the only ones who are uncomfortable in your own skin, you would be so wrong. I have to go around feeling like I look pregnant while I live with a boy in a dress who looks more like a runway model than some real runway models. Jeanie is divine and I want to slap her when she wants to diet with me. Silly girl. You're gorgeous. Go have a sandwich, already! You don't have to live this. Only I do.

I'm down seven pounds but I am too self conscious for the cop costume. I went with something that even Liz Taylor could pull off. I'll look great but not nearly as sexy had I lived in denial of my weight gain. Part of me doesn't even want to do Halloween but it's my favorite holiday and I can't imagine making Jeanie sit at home with me.

My Mandy and our friend Lady Saigon are joining Jeanie and I on a road trip to Virginia to celebrate Halloween with the Boys. Since their move, our social group has dis banned and no one is having any parties here so we're having one of our own.

This week I learned that two coworkers of mine are in transgender relationships-just backwards from mine. Their mates are so passable; I would almost think they were gender males. They have it much easier. I don't have to talk to them to know that. I only have to see them out all the time to know it. Jeanie is out and proud but is still extra careful to make sure he left no signs of mascara or nail polish before he goes to work. Of course to my coworkers they are just lesbians but I'm sorry. You're hiding your breasts and looking like hot high school boys isn't just because you dig on girls.

In a way, this gives me hope that in the years to come, people will be free to be exactly who they are whenever they feel the need to be. That's a beautiful thing.

I'm off to ride my bike to nowhere but I'll pretend I'm going to Michigan Avenue.


caroline said...

I am on that same road to nowhere, perhaps I need to download that Talking Heads track for the ipod to keep me company.

My problem is that my appetite has remained as before rather than adjust to my new metabolic requirement as an almost girl!

We have to fix this to look good, right?

Why does all the extra form a bump at the front?

Thanks for the reminder about pumpkins, forgot to grow them this year but got two which will keep us in soup for weeks. What else can I do with them?

Caroline xxx

Lynn Jones said...

I put on 20 pounds while I was sick

A reason in itself.

Knickers to what the other lady had to say! :) SFW if you've put a little weight on. It's none of her damned business.

Jaye Schmus said...

Ditto what Lynn said. If you want to shape up for your sake, do it. Your co-worker can piss off.

What did you pick as a costume, though?