While I Fade Into a Deeper Shade of Red

There's a few things I can't stand.

Chipped nail polish

Fake gold jewelry.

White dress shoes.

Roots.

I think it all comes from riding on the school bus.

I couldn't stand my brown roots for another second and grabbed a red box on the way home.

This one came with color booster so it went on like blood.

Jeanie watched and asked questions.

Jeanie is big on questions though she retains so little of what I explain to her.

Lots of things are going through my head.

I tell her that I want to cut my hair.

I wanna go with a more professional look.

I have an interview with a government agency in Virginia next Monday.

This is so exciting that what I've been on about for over a month is coming to pass.

There is power in our thoughts and words.

Have no doubts about it.

I am not sure what I'll tell my boss to explain my absence.

Work is dreadfully slow for me.

Now that Human Resources is actually being Human Resources there is less for me to do but the need for money is still there so I press on and pretend to be busy even when I'm not.

Saturday I submitted my resume and all the needed forms and was up until wee hours.

Sunday I was lazy.

While Jeanie was at work I laid in bed and watched movies on Netflix from my lap top.

I tend to go for independents and documentaries.

I found one called Creature.

It's about a transgender male-to-female from my home state who went to California to be her true self.

A lot of it is hard to watch.

You fall in love with her and you so desperately want to take care of her because nobody seems to. I love the reunion with her baptist backwater parents when she comes home totally transformed and they love her just the same. Totally beautiful.

Afterwards I googled her. I wanted to see what she had been up to since 1999.

The documentary ends with a note that she had given up working at the club and was taking classes.

Sadly, I found out she took on the name Barbie Woods and has done a lot of porn as a she-male. I want to believe she did it so she could have the surgery she wanted but I doubt it. Money made in that way is rarely kept.

I fanned her on facebook hoping to get a happily but some stories are just doomed to end badly. Of course, I admire her for refusing to live as a boy even part-time. Perhaps prostitution and porn is better than denying your true self. And it made me think about Jeanie who dresses almost exclusively as a female except when she works. Does she want to move forward? I ask and she says what she really wants is electrolysis which would making dressing so much easier. I ask her about breasts and eventually between the legs but she doesn't show much interest in going that far.

Once, I thought this was something I didn't want. Once I thought that I wanted her to be both forever but not so much. The longer I love Jeanie, the more I know that it's not about flesh. I want her to be happy and I would never deny her what would truly make her happy.

I flop like a fish in wondering if Jeanie is a crossdresser or is Jeanie a transsexual. I don't know any more than I know if I am straight or if I am a lesbian.

Everyday, there is hope that I will come closer to knowing the truth.

Pedals

I ordered my Halloween costume yesterday.

It was not the one I originally picked out.

The one I really wanted to wear was a naughty cop get up but that was before my defining moment. I will tell you about the defining moment but I don't really feel like having any discussion on it. I'll just share. So it was my first week back at work. I'm racing around the sales floor and I am stopped by a coworker from another department. They use our conference room for active living classes. She stops me with squeals, hands over her mouth and starts congratulating me. I tried to shut the bitch down. I couldn't.

Everyone assured me that I don't look pregnant. Maybe it was the baby doll dress I had on. Maybe it was because I had taken off my heels and put on house shoes so I could climb about the office putting up Halloween decorations. Maybe it was because the bitch had left her husband, pierced her nose and had lost 30 pounds and just wanted to feel better about herself.

It doesn't matter. It was my defining moment. It was time to get real and the truth is I put on 20 pounds while I was sick. 20 pounds on an already thick frame would make me look pregnant in a baby doll dress I suppose. I immediately called my doctor and squeezed a prescription for fat girl pills out of him. He had ragged me about losing weight anyway. One of my boys gave me an exercise bike I have in my living room. I eat very little and never after 3 pm.

So if any of you for one minute think you are the only ones who are uncomfortable in your own skin, you would be so wrong. I have to go around feeling like I look pregnant while I live with a boy in a dress who looks more like a runway model than some real runway models. Jeanie is divine and I want to slap her when she wants to diet with me. Silly girl. You're gorgeous. Go have a sandwich, already! You don't have to live this. Only I do.

I'm down seven pounds but I am too self conscious for the cop costume. I went with something that even Liz Taylor could pull off. I'll look great but not nearly as sexy had I lived in denial of my weight gain. Part of me doesn't even want to do Halloween but it's my favorite holiday and I can't imagine making Jeanie sit at home with me.

My Mandy and our friend Lady Saigon are joining Jeanie and I on a road trip to Virginia to celebrate Halloween with the Boys. Since their move, our social group has dis banned and no one is having any parties here so we're having one of our own.

This week I learned that two coworkers of mine are in transgender relationships-just backwards from mine. Their mates are so passable; I would almost think they were gender males. They have it much easier. I don't have to talk to them to know that. I only have to see them out all the time to know it. Jeanie is out and proud but is still extra careful to make sure he left no signs of mascara or nail polish before he goes to work. Of course to my coworkers they are just lesbians but I'm sorry. You're hiding your breasts and looking like hot high school boys isn't just because you dig on girls.

In a way, this gives me hope that in the years to come, people will be free to be exactly who they are whenever they feel the need to be. That's a beautiful thing.

I'm off to ride my bike to nowhere but I'll pretend I'm going to Michigan Avenue.

The Magician's Assistant

I got up this morning with every intention of going to work. I showered. I sat in front of my vanity and painted my face like I've done a million times but after I dried my hair upside down and pulled on panties and high heels and just you're typical office girl getting ready stuff, I felt like that chick the magician saws in half. Jeanie asked why I bothered. Ironically, I requested the first week in October off three months ago. It was approved so technically, I don't have to go back to work until Monday. I wanted to just because this whole thing has really eaten up my paid time off but Jeanie works and we don't have any bills except household expenses. I know the medical bills will be showing up soon but Fiddle Dee Dee and Scarlett O'Hara to all of that. Today I'm sore and just can't go around in heels all day. I need to make myself well-completely so.

I think yesterday was an off day for a lot of people reading the blogs that I read. I read more than I comment on which is something I thought I would never do but it's fact pure and simple. Some are harder to read than others and I think that's because it skirts around the hips of my own issues. Jeanie and I fought terribly last night. There wasn't absolute ounce of understanding between us. I wasn't getting him and he wasn't getting me and for pure distraction we made passionate love until we passed out. Actually, I had to get up. Lately, sex regenerates me instead of the usual roll over and cuddle me thing.

I am not sure we are any further along in making peace despite the making love thing. Jeanie woke up in cranky boy mode cringing with irritability and dripping with discontent. I couldn't get him to talk. Last night, he had plenty to say. He even played this song from NIN (ringfinger I think) about being like my Jesus and some such nonsense and screaming that I never want to hear negativity which makes it impossible for him to release what haunts his tragic transgender soul.

Oh Bother.

Good Grippy Grief.

The funny thing? I can trace all of this back to an off-hand remark I made about this guy.

I've had a hollywood crush on him since we spent a summer in Chicago together. Okay-he was with Jennifer Aniston and I was with Rich Ray but humor me and go along with it. While flipping channels on the flipping tv I found a dancing Vince Vaughn in that Christmas flick. I will watch said flick just to watch Vince Vaughn dance with elves I think he's so hot. So, I say what maybe should have stayed in my head but was something..oh...along the lines of....."He's so tall and gorgeous! I just wanna sit on top of him and twirl!!!!"

Jeanie immediately questioned this saying "How can you be attracted to him when he's so masculine?" Jeanie is so unjealous. I can kiss gay boys and I've told him flat out that I wish I could be a female polygamist and just have a house full of crossdressers to tickle and love and squeeze and call my very own and he's totally suspiciously okay with that.

We are not swingers or anything gross like that but he allows me to act out some of my fantasies and seems to understand that it's not really in my nature to believe I am only supposed to love one person. I'm completely commited to Jeanie but I think there are others that need my love too and one day I will meet them and give them what they need for however long that is.

Jeanie's whole day went to shit after that. He just could not believe that I still dig on masculine men but that's just me and noone will ever talk me out of Vince Vaughn not that I'd ever want to keep him. Men are trouble and alot of work and they want you to make them sandwiches and never like the same tv shows that you do. They fall dead after orgasm and forget to even care if your back has arched or not.

So the Vince remark was made and he turned into a boy and said things like he didn't know if he was man enough for me and was scared that I didn't want him anymore and bought beer and pouted and didn't want to do anything but fight with me. Yuck.

I spoke with him a moment ago and he sounds better. More like a crossdresser. Less like an asshole.

We'll see.

In other news-I've lost three pounds since last week.

I'm bored so call me if you know my number or chat with me online.

Until then,

I think I'll make jewelry and watch Heroes.

Inspired Frustration

A Non-Practicing Monk told me that I was born under the Sitting Buddha which means I must learn everything on my own and teach it to others. Nothing more true has ever been said to me. I'm often lonely, frustrated and seem to only learn through trials by fire but as a know it all, I doubt I will trade methods any time soon. It's my raging call-conviction-tumble at overcoming the flesh and finding a deeper sense of spirituality.
I wasn't quite ready for work today. I couldn't sleep at all last night and knew that I couldn't go into that crazy place without at least a couple of hours of dreams, you know? Jeanie doesn't remember dreams. His father often visits me in dreams-I think so that I can communicate things to him. Yes, him. Jeanie's father is terribly clueless to the whole cross dressing issue. Not Jeanie-"His name is Gene!" he says.
I rearranged my shelves. I found some empty frames and looked for suitable photographs. Looking back is never a good thing but there seems to be some sort of answer hidden in my memory pages and boxes-some missing puzzle piece of knowledge that I'm hoping to stumble upon.
I am feeling healthy and strong if maybe a little tired. I'm nearly ready to meet the challenges that await me. I've put on 20 pounds or more since I first felt ill more than a month ago. Not only do I have to get back to work but I have to get back to some resemblance of moderation and discipline. I don't hate myself for this-sometimes things become too much and I just have to sit and shut down and figure the whole thing out because I'm really sensitive. I can pick up bad energy-kind of like a flu of the soul so to speak? Has it been a flu of the soul or am I ready to move forward.
My old boss David found me on Facebook around noon today. For those of you that have befriended me on that medium can see a few new pics I finally got around to uploading. Ah but back to David. Maybe he wasn't a teacher but he took me places and was and IS one of the most influential people in my life. I gave him a ring and we spent three hours just hashing out where we've been and where we're going and I'm just so grateful and encouraged to get passionate and really fight for what I want in life instead of just wading it out and not really being comfortable in my skin much less my life.
Ah...and the crossdresser. Well, he wanted boundaries and I gave them to him and now it's too much "work" for him. I yelled at him for letting Sirena get on the couch after a bath and he stormed off to work the second half of his shift. I'm on the phone with the Scene Girl and he comes in storms to the "man room" with a case of beer and I guess he's looking for the answers to his rebellion in nine inch nails songs. I don't need the friction in my home. I really don't. You want me to treat you like a girl? Act like one. Don't back off into boy mode when you're pissed or whatever. So childish. I love Jeanie but he's being a pain. I try to talk him down but why? He's being a spoiled child I don't recognize right now. I'm sick of riding around on three wheels. I'm always trying to fix something. It makes me want to run away and start from scratch right now. Why wait? I'm broke down someplace off the highway anyways.
Fuck.....

Recovery on the Big Red Couch

On Friday, I had my gall bladder removed.
I have a few gallstones to prove it but I won't gross anyone out with pictures although there are a few that have gotten pics sent to their phones.  Jeanie was totally freaked out by the whole hospital scene and didn't want to see my cuts and bruises so it's funny that Cousin David picked up a nurse costume today.  I've spent most of my recovery time playing farkle and picking out a Halloween costume.  Jeanie thinks we should match but forget it.  That's too hard.  I found a really great naughty cop costume.  It's too much to resist.
I love Halloween.  It's my favorite holiday; always has been. I think for the rest of the month I'll blog about some of my favorite Halloweens and spooky experiences. 
Since I'm a B- in health, I'll go back to work tomorrow.  Not because I want to.  I have to.  I want to pay off the debts and kick back money.  My heart is still set on starting fresh in Virginia.  I miss the boys way too much and I'm just spinning silly circles at my job.  I've carved out a notch for myself but what good is it?  I'm always one pay check from broke and the benefits?
My insurance sucks.  How can I live in the wealthiest country in the world and find myself in a sales pitch over getting my gall bladder out?  What they didn't expect from your girl was a water work spectacle that would have put anyone down for the count.  I'm strong but I'm not afraid to pretend to be vulnerable to get things in motion.  They wanted 500.  They settled with 200 and a promise to make payments. The hospital can expect a spotchy check every month until they are paid off.  They pissed me off when some gal named Nadine called and said that while they are a non-profit hospital and I qualified for 90% off, I should bring in a check the day of my surgery to show them I was a good person.  I asked her why didn't I just bring in a kidney.
I'm a bottom feeder and that makes no sense to me.  I don't feel like one.  I get pissed and act like Rusty Dennis but I don't particularly act like one.  I'm kind and warm and passionate and yet-not quite getting where I want to be and that's where I am.  I'm tired of surviving.  I want to thrive and prosper and live to 100.  I want to leave a mark and for someone to remember me 500 years after I'm gone.  I've always felt that I had a grand purpose and maybe everyone thinks that but I'd like to prove myself right. 
It takes courage.
I'm not scared anymore.