Revisions

I went back to work yesterday.
It was fast and easy.  Maybe too easy.  The boss was so nice to me that it freaked me out.  Despite the fact I often feel overlooked and taken for granted I truly believe someone doesn't think I am and let him know so.  He's a spoiled child.  I don't believe for a second that he was that kind because he has a heart.  He even gave me the $100 for being top sales support in August.  It's two weeks late but it showed up.
Today I meet with the surgeon.  None of the women in my family have their gall bladders.   These days it's an out patient surgery.  I remember going to sit with Sadie at the hospital when she had hers out in the 80's.  Back then you were in the hospital for a few days so I'm sure she would tell me to be grateful. 
My last blog gave the impression I was looking to get all inked out.  I'm bit too far gone for that.  That's a 20 something behavior to me but a prize showed up in the mail that I cannot wait to try on.  I ordered some tattoo panty hose with the amazon gift card the boys gave me for my birthday.  I put my hand in one just to get a feel for the look and it's great.  A great illusion.  I have to make sure that the Scene Girl doesn't see them!  It's bad enough that the Crossdresser has.  She says  "I can't wait to take pictures in those!"  
And does she love pictures.  She especially loves to take pictures when I do her hair and make up.  She must have thousands of photos.  She takes all these photos and makes all of these videos without rhyme or reason and yet maybe one day she'll think to compile them and share them with others.  I think it would make a great tale.
Our girlfriend Manji came over Saturday night.  She finds our relationship curious and we try to answer the obvious questions.  Like her boyfriend made the assumption that Jeanie grew up without a father.  The fact is he grew up with a great dad and a stay at home mom and a house full of sisters and love.  I think the assumptions are there because crossdressers are so private and protected.  I often think that's part of the fun somehow when I would think it would be the opposite.  I know that when Jeanie and I first met he rarely dressed outside his apartment but I changed all of that.  I forced him out and then it became something he wanted to take further and further.  We've went out fully dressed to restaurants, clubs, shopping...there are still a few limits.  Gee is all guy at work and around my family though most know that he crossdresses. 
I've been dressing up and taking photos since 7th grade.  It never occured to me that all girls haven't experienced this but Manji has not so I didn't just dress up Jeanie this weekend but also got the chance to pull out a lot of diva in Manji.  I love drawing out someone's beauty with shading and color. 

I wish I had photos of Jeanie from this weekend but I didn't upload them on my laptop. 

Coloring outside of the Lines

When I grow up, I wanna be a suicide girl. Last night, the Crossdresser and I watched The First Tour. I was so turned on and inspired at the same time. What gorgeous creatures! I love the unapologetic nature of their sexuality. As it would could should be. I had no choice but to order myself a couple of wigs including a blue one. When I was a little girl, I always colored barbie's hair blue in the coloring books. I wish I had asked why. I just thought it was pretty. It is pretty.

I called Cousin David and Mark this morning. Our friend George is visiting. They are hitting Gay Pride and late they plan to see Percy Sledge. My Daddy sent word to them that they shouldn't get excited until he makes it on stage. He paid nice money to see him sing in the 70s and he was too drunk to be worth the trip there.

Mark got on the phone and asked if I was really going to move in with them. I told him yes. He said my room would be across the hall from his. He's a silly sweet thing who likes to remind me that he'll do and say anything while on ambien. He tried to like girls until one almost came in front of him which he found extremely traumatising. I think he should have found it traumatising that he was already engaged and had YET to see her cum. He said that my resume received a good response from Human Resources at his Government Job. I told him I had kick ass skills. He said "Yeah. That's what they thought at Popeye's. I put you in for a Chicken Fry Job." I'm going to mail him a pair of dirty panties for that one.

I feel free in thought and clear in vision for the first time in a long time. Our only limits are the ones that we set for ourselves and I refuse to have those anymore. Jeanie says I should return to work and act as a Super Hero-flying into the President's office and demanding change for the spotty ants on the ground. It doesn't take a sparkly word from Gorgeous Girl to know that this is divine and true for me. I cannot go without speaking out for those without voice. It might help. It might not. I will do what I feel to be fair and honorable.

Today I won't think about it. I will think of feeling better. I will shop for fruit and wine and other things crossdressers can devour. Later we might go out for dinner with her boss. She'll wear boy clothes but even then she just looks like a tomgirl. I see the girl even when the girl isn't trying. I should resent the fact that as a straight woman, I will never be attracted to men again but instead I just feel completely loved.

Hometown Angst

When I'm confused about my direction, I always go thumbing a ride to Childhood drive. I truly believe that we are born knowing and our true sense of direction is known more at four than at forty. I don't think that four year old would be entirely disappointed in me. I've done a lot of cool things that mirrored my childhood games. In those games, I was always going to far away places I read about in books and heard about on Sadie's "Program" (also known as All My Children).

I spent years in far away places like Chicago, San Diego, Washington DC, and such. My roots and accent were never lost but my wings became less strong. I suffered a breaking of the heart and a little girl asked to have both her parents in one silly place and I gave into that. Selflessness is important and now that same child has chosen to live with the other parent. Last night Cousin David reminded me that I told her once that if she ever left that I was "so out of here!!!" And I am. I'm done with North InACarol.

My lessons are learned here and I'm leaving without a debt. All of my bills are living expenses. There is absolutely nothing holding me back except myself. The Crossdresser says she would follow me anywhere and she's the only one I owe anything to.

I miss the Boys a lot. Cousin David and Mark have expressed their desire for me to start fresh with them in Richmond, Virginia and this is my new goal. I have to get this surgery out of the way. We'll give notice, find boxes and start fresh.

It's decided.

Lorcet

Last week I turned 37.
I spent the day on my red couch crunching lorcets.
That food poisoning wasn't food poisoning. I have a contracted gall bladder with multiple stones that's just dying to come out. I meet with a surgeon on the 29th. My younger sister got rid of her gall bladder out at 30 so it's not really an age thing and yet the whole ordeal makes me feel so old. I am all bloated, crampy and tired in my high heel shoes with the taste of death in my mouth. Everytime it comes about it scares me. What if it's more than a bad gall bladder?
The other day I was in Walmart and I saw myself in my favorite shorts and pink Cadillac t-shirt shopping. My hair was in a bad pony tail and there I was pushing a cart around the baby section. I've seen myself on the road before-in cars I used to own or will own one day but never out shopping looking like I don't care. I disappeared around an aisle looking for dog food and I didn't chase myself for answers. As I read over this paragraph I realize I might not explain this as a time warp but rather as losing my mind.
And if I do lose my mind, it's surely to be expected. I used to kick ass at work. I felt good about what I did and how I did it but now I just want out. I even went as far as to march into Human Resources and submit my two week notice but they wouldn't accept it. An evil has entered my department and has the black girls anointing themselves with oil and calling on Jesus. I'm supposed to bring in more people and I see them all desperate for a job. They come in wearing their best clothes and tarnished smiles and I want to help them out. Instead they sit there for hours waiting for Evil to judge them and maybe he'll put them to work but any money will go to his paycheck while they will work 6 days a week chasing a check that will never be what was promised. It's the millennium cubical chain gang and I hate it. I'm too old for this. I don't want to answer for it when Jesus shows up for the black girls.
I told Human Resources that it plays with my humanity and they probably did me a short term favor. I need the health insurance but I promise I will leave when they remove my diseased parts and prove that I wont die but ugly away like the people before me have. I miss feeling good about what I do. I miss making a difference for someone instead of giving them the keys to the same chains of regrets I have around my fat ankles.
May our burdens bring us wings and may I shit on their cars as I fly away.

Rambling upon Rambling

In the rain forests of South America, or the remaining unspoiled lands of Africa, all have reverential positions for the transsexuals that are born to them. In such societies, Transsexuals are considered magical, kin to the gods or spirits, and possessed of shamanic powers.

I often make reference to the Crossdresser resembling Jesus but it's not just physical. The Crossdresser is a true embodiment of all that I know to be pure and God like. The Crossdresser is a manifestation of my prayers from my earliest times.

A few months ago, my daughter left me for another parent. I put it this way and everyone laughs but my whole identity was shattered when she told me that she wanted to be in her Father's world not mine. For fourteen years, I was a mother and she was my fiercely top priority. Jeanie felt it was because of his crossdressing. We both fell prey to the notion that dressing should only be done when The Scene Girl wasn't around but it didn't matter. Not really. She chose to leave anyway. I raised her to be independent and free thinking. Did I truly believe she wouldn't try those wings out?

She spent the weekend and the tension was great. She always finds fault in Jeanie where I can find none but the negativity is smuggled into my being just the same. I strive to love them both at the same time but someone is always neglected. It's like trying to make it rain and build a fire at the same time.

I took the Scene Girl back to her new found home. It's not surprising that soon after returning to my home, I fell ill. I shook with a fever and my body soon became foreign with demon like vomiting and convulsion. I saw blue spots everywhere and fell in and out of consciousness with my eyes wide open. Jeanie and the Doggess hovered around me and I would shoo them away. I didn't want them to experience this dark funk illness. There were moments where I thought it would not end. My body was not my own and I thought I might be preparing to leave it for good. It was when I let go of my urge to cling to my being that I came back into my own.

I had to call in sick. This was once a pleasant thing. This was when I felt secure that my hard work and effort allowed for moments of down time. These days I am not secure nor is my hard work and effort revered. A lone gunman with a little boy pout has polluted my work space with contempt and greed. Suddenly he is the only one who counts and I know this cannot continue. I have known enemies and I have learned from them. I always learn from them. Historically, I only deal with them in three month windows. Like a season only to reap a harvest afterwards and once again feel peace.

This time, I wonder if I will be the one to walk or will he. Either way, I know that one of us will and I am ready to prepare for departure. Perhaps it's time to go. I am not thrilled to be in the presence of someone who makes me feel I can be disposed of for missing one day of work. I know that this is in part due to my own sense of responsibility but it doesn't excuse it as being right.

Where will I go? What will I do? The economy screams for us to stay in one place but perhaps it is like my demon illness. Maybe if I let go of my fear, my fears will give way to something more substantial. I hate writing my resume. I've been working on it for over a week.

I look to Jeanie. Jeanie is true to herself and life leans in her favor. What would my life be if I gave into my true self rather than true insecurities? Often I feel I am not true to anything. I am acting, pretending, and choosing my battles a little too wisely?

The hour is lurking with only an eye open. I am filled with dread at returning to work. I think to call a coworker to learn what is awaiting me. I feel weak. Often others turn to me for solace and I wish I had someone to turn to in that way. I long for a brand new opportunity that would welcome my gifts.

They say that today is auspicious: 9-09-09. Today would have been my Sweet Sadie Jane Simpson Ashworth's 98th birthday and I miss her so. Perhaps I'll pour coffee into her navy coffee cup and call on Cousin David to help me remember her.