Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Rambling upon Rambling

In the rain forests of South America, or the remaining unspoiled lands of Africa, all have reverential positions for the transsexuals that are born to them. In such societies, Transsexuals are considered magical, kin to the gods or spirits, and possessed of shamanic powers.

I often make reference to the Crossdresser resembling Jesus but it's not just physical. The Crossdresser is a true embodiment of all that I know to be pure and God like. The Crossdresser is a manifestation of my prayers from my earliest times.

A few months ago, my daughter left me for another parent. I put it this way and everyone laughs but my whole identity was shattered when she told me that she wanted to be in her Father's world not mine. For fourteen years, I was a mother and she was my fiercely top priority. Jeanie felt it was because of his crossdressing. We both fell prey to the notion that dressing should only be done when The Scene Girl wasn't around but it didn't matter. Not really. She chose to leave anyway. I raised her to be independent and free thinking. Did I truly believe she wouldn't try those wings out?

She spent the weekend and the tension was great. She always finds fault in Jeanie where I can find none but the negativity is smuggled into my being just the same. I strive to love them both at the same time but someone is always neglected. It's like trying to make it rain and build a fire at the same time.

I took the Scene Girl back to her new found home. It's not surprising that soon after returning to my home, I fell ill. I shook with a fever and my body soon became foreign with demon like vomiting and convulsion. I saw blue spots everywhere and fell in and out of consciousness with my eyes wide open. Jeanie and the Doggess hovered around me and I would shoo them away. I didn't want them to experience this dark funk illness. There were moments where I thought it would not end. My body was not my own and I thought I might be preparing to leave it for good. It was when I let go of my urge to cling to my being that I came back into my own.

I had to call in sick. This was once a pleasant thing. This was when I felt secure that my hard work and effort allowed for moments of down time. These days I am not secure nor is my hard work and effort revered. A lone gunman with a little boy pout has polluted my work space with contempt and greed. Suddenly he is the only one who counts and I know this cannot continue. I have known enemies and I have learned from them. I always learn from them. Historically, I only deal with them in three month windows. Like a season only to reap a harvest afterwards and once again feel peace.

This time, I wonder if I will be the one to walk or will he. Either way, I know that one of us will and I am ready to prepare for departure. Perhaps it's time to go. I am not thrilled to be in the presence of someone who makes me feel I can be disposed of for missing one day of work. I know that this is in part due to my own sense of responsibility but it doesn't excuse it as being right.

Where will I go? What will I do? The economy screams for us to stay in one place but perhaps it is like my demon illness. Maybe if I let go of my fear, my fears will give way to something more substantial. I hate writing my resume. I've been working on it for over a week.

I look to Jeanie. Jeanie is true to herself and life leans in her favor. What would my life be if I gave into my true self rather than true insecurities? Often I feel I am not true to anything. I am acting, pretending, and choosing my battles a little too wisely?

The hour is lurking with only an eye open. I am filled with dread at returning to work. I think to call a coworker to learn what is awaiting me. I feel weak. Often others turn to me for solace and I wish I had someone to turn to in that way. I long for a brand new opportunity that would welcome my gifts.

They say that today is auspicious: 9-09-09. Today would have been my Sweet Sadie Jane Simpson Ashworth's 98th birthday and I miss her so. Perhaps I'll pour coffee into her navy coffee cup and call on Cousin David to help me remember her.


Melissa said...

I always enjoy reading your posts. You always post a gorgeous accompanying picture, and express your sentiments so eloquently and poetically.

I wouldn't worry too much about the Scene Girl. Kids from divorced families tend to be hyper critical of their mother's or father's new mate, and often view the new partner as a interloper. She'll eventually get over it, as she matures.

I'm so sorry to hear you have been ill. It sounds horrible. Do you know what it was? Flu? Food poisoning? The galloping crud?

I'm also sorry to hear of your workplace insecurities. I'm wondering if flunking that random test, has made you vulnerable to harassment. We had a random testing policy where I used to work, and you did not want to get caught up in that system. It tended to give license to jealous, or malevolent supervisors, to put you under a microscope, and work their Machiavellian schemes against you. I hope that's not the case in your situation.

Here's hoping things are looking up for you! And thank you sweetie, for your little Facebook gift to me!

Melissa XX

The Crossdresser's Girlfriend said...

Oh Melissa!

You are the sweetest. Thank you for the references to my older blogs. It's nice to know someone out there reads me.

I don't think this situation revolves around my green pee earlier in the year. They punished me with a 500 rehab fee and made it impossible for me to ask for a raise.

Lynn Jones said...

> everyone laughs but my whole identity was shattered

Not everyone laughs. That is, if I may say, one hell of a blow to a person's self esteem - perhaps doubly so to a mother. It's traditional for a kid to stick with their mum. To look after a child into pretty much adulthood and then have them... well, effectively dump you. That must really cut into you and I'm sorry to hear it happened. You say 'scene girl' so is part of it teenage melodrama? If so, it's not an easy age and we all go off the rails a little at that time.

Sure the economy isn't as rosey as it was a few years ago, but there are jobs out there. You can stay and put up with the sh**, or you can start looking. You only need to be lucky once and you're gone.

I'll keep my fingers crossed.