There's a few things I can't stand.
Chipped nail polish
Fake gold jewelry.
White dress shoes.
Roots.
I think it all comes from riding on the school bus.
I couldn't stand my brown roots for another second and grabbed a red box on the way home.
This one came with color booster so it went on like blood.
Jeanie watched and asked questions.
Jeanie is big on questions though she retains so little of what I explain to her.
Lots of things are going through my head.
I tell her that I want to cut my hair.
I wanna go with a more professional look.
I have an interview with a government agency in Virginia next Monday.
This is so exciting that what I've been on about for over a month is coming to pass.
There is power in our thoughts and words.
Have no doubts about it.
I am not sure what I'll tell my boss to explain my absence.
Work is dreadfully slow for me.
Now that Human Resources is actually being Human Resources there is less for me to do but the need for money is still there so I press on and pretend to be busy even when I'm not.
Saturday I submitted my resume and all the needed forms and was up until wee hours.
Sunday I was lazy.
While Jeanie was at work I laid in bed and watched movies on Netflix from my lap top.
I tend to go for independents and documentaries.
I found one called Creature.
It's about a transgender male-to-female from my home state who went to California to be her true self.
A lot of it is hard to watch.
You fall in love with her and you so desperately want to take care of her because nobody seems to. I love the reunion with her baptist backwater parents when she comes home totally transformed and they love her just the same. Totally beautiful.
Afterwards I googled her. I wanted to see what she had been up to since 1999.
The documentary ends with a note that she had given up working at the club and was taking classes.
Sadly, I found out she took on the name Barbie Woods and has done a lot of porn as a she-male. I want to believe she did it so she could have the surgery she wanted but I doubt it. Money made in that way is rarely kept.
I fanned her on facebook hoping to get a happily but some stories are just doomed to end badly. Of course, I admire her for refusing to live as a boy even part-time. Perhaps prostitution and porn is better than denying your true self. And it made me think about Jeanie who dresses almost exclusively as a female except when she works. Does she want to move forward? I ask and she says what she really wants is electrolysis which would making dressing so much easier. I ask her about breasts and eventually between the legs but she doesn't show much interest in going that far.
Once, I thought this was something I didn't want. Once I thought that I wanted her to be both forever but not so much. The longer I love Jeanie, the more I know that it's not about flesh. I want her to be happy and I would never deny her what would truly make her happy.
I flop like a fish in wondering if Jeanie is a crossdresser or is Jeanie a transsexual. I don't know any more than I know if I am straight or if I am a lesbian.
Everyday, there is hope that I will come closer to knowing the truth.
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4 comments:
The only one who can answer that question is Jeannie, and the answer is very often not easily gained. I thought of myself as a crossdresser from the single-digit years to the age of 32.
I was always focused on whoever I was with, and not so much myself. I had to get married, have a kid, and then get separated a year and a half later, to finally get fed up and say to myself, "What do I want?" I answered. "I want to dress as a woman more and express myself in that way." Six months later, I found I didn't want to change back. I didn't want to put back on the drab shirts and jeans. I loved the way I looked so much more with long hair and cute clothes. It took a long time for me to break out of what my family, friends, and society in general expected of me. A long time. I sometimes wish I had realized it sooner. But I'm so glad I know now, and have taken the steps I so needed to take.
The revelation happens in it's own time, if there's one to be had.
That's sad about Barbie Woods. I saw that you fanned her on FB the other day. I'm sorry that she didn't seem like someone I wanted to associate myself with. We are all kinds, alas, and this world takes us all.
You will never believe this but B. Woods is my neighbor and lives a normal life. And I just found out yesterday the status of her early life. I am tragically dismayed as my son plays at her house and I feel this was too big of a secret to keep to herself.
You will never believe this but B. Woods is my neighbor and lives a normal life. And I just found out yesterday the status of her early life. I am tragically dismayed as my son plays at her house and I feel this was too big of a secret to keep to herself.
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