Friday, November 20, 2009

Financing A Dream

After Halloween, Joy snuck out my bedroom window.
She was starved half to death and maybe she could sneak in bed with the neighbors.
It would have to be somewhere close or she'd be found dead by the waste side.
I had broken up with nearly every lovely thing I've known.
I even questioned if I would be a Crossdresser's Girlfriend for much longer.
My job is a soul slayer and I won't survive there.
I certainly won't thrive.
I can give up and conform to the discomfort.
Only I can't.
I don't know how to give out.
My only option is to clear out and move on.
In these instances, I always come to a crossroad of options.
The Devil's Crossroads?
I'll have single strand regrets no matter what I choose.
I'm okay with that.
At least I'll be gone.
I won't have an audience whether I fly or fall.
I hope you read of it in the paper.
Both current options revolve around my beloveds.
Cousin David and Mark say they will make me happy.
I have no doubt they would but what about Jeanie?
I don't think they love him enough to not come between us.
And besides.
Virginia is their destination.
I don't want to be a bystandard in my own story.
And then it occurs to me that a full circle is in order.
I will go to where I was before here.
I loved it there.
She's a long legged woman of a place and it's like God french kissed every inch of her.
So it is decided.
And it is so.
But when?
My last day of work will be on Elvis' birthday (January 8).
I will leave the day before my Momma's birthday (January 11).
Last minute plans are rarely thought out well but that gives them foolish luck.
Last minute plans don't give a lot of time to sort out money.
The most I can save by January is 3 grand.
I think of a U Haul.
U Hauls aren't romantic. Just that human need to drag things around.
Change with the same old stuff around to comfort you.
I don't need any of it.
So it's decided.
I'd rather have a lot of cash than a lot of stuff.
I want to grow money not boxes.
I want a fresh start with fresh money.
Stuff will show back up.
And all this thinking makes my heart pound and my blood flow.
Joy decided she didn't like the neighbors and came on home.
I made her a pan of brownies and she promised to never leave again if I let her get her nose pierced.
I feel a confidence.
I suddenly have piece of mind in giving up everything I own for the chance at peace of mind.
It would so be worth it.


caroline said...


I used to be like that. Once long ago I sold my apartment to someone I worked with in the middle of the night without a second thought just because they were having difficulty finishing any house deal. Since I had nowhere to live I gave my months notice and quit the job.

Then I wondered what do I do now and left that city for good.

Caroline xxx

Anonymous said...

I am incredibly moved by this and your last post. Real poetry. And I so relate. (I am a genetic woman involved with a M2F trans, a bit older than you are; I read your blog sporadically because there is really no other "voice" out there for women like us.)