Tuesday, May 5, 2009


I've almost completed rehab...if you want to call it there. The whole process has gobbled up my time and money just so that my company knows that I am drug free. I will never consider pot a drug. I have lowered my head and allowed them to place the noose of conformity around my neck but I will never truly believe that I am a better person for not smoking up and chilling out. I've merely accepted that I will spend my life sober as a judge; at least until I retire.
The only real change I've noticed as a non-smoker is that my dreams are very vivid. I sometimes see an old friend or dead family member and do not want to wake up. Sometimes in dreams I revert to a way of thinking from an earlier time in my life. Last night I was chasing an old Italian lover of mine-one that I left long ago and far away in Chicago. It took years to get over him and the pain made me draw upon strengths I never knew I had. But in the dream, I was still chasing his love and money like a little girl. In life I ask nothing of anyone but in the dream I was needy, longing and craved every inch of him and somehow now in waking, I feel my heart race and pound for a love that's dead and gone.
With Rich, I was the submissive which is a very different role than I play today. I've erased that part of me and yet I wake from dreams like that and wonder if in some ways I still long to submit my entire being to another. Maybe I miss being carried on someone's shoulders instead of being the one in charge and in demand.

1 comment:

Lynn Jones said...

Sometimes it's nice to stop being the leader for once and have someone take care of you. Doesn't everyone deserve a little TLC once in a while?