Monday, March 9, 2009

Extraordinary

The weekend was quiet.
We accomplished a lot in the way of making this place our home.
Cousin David gave me a dresser last weekend.
I cannot wait to get started on it.
Yesterday I bought high gloss black paint for the outside of it.
When you open the drawers, it will be hot pink on the inside; incorporating The Scene Girl's favorite colors. This may become a new hobby or maybe it already has; revamping the ordinary and making it extraordinary. Certainly I already do this with My Crossdresser. Saturday we played dress up and created the video above. I was hard pressed to find a song that fit but I think it turned out really sweet and sexy.
I don't have a test study to compare our relationship to but I have read a lot from other woman in the way that they see their relationships with crossdressers. They complain about the dressing up while I adore it. They talk about how they miss the males they knew their partners to be. I don't hear them complain about missing the girls when the male takes over which is usually my complaint.
Jeanie is a dream but Gene can be such a brat. He questions everything and makes me wish I had just done it myself rather than ask him to do it. I thought Jeanie was out shopping with me on Sunday but it became clear that in a hardware store, Gene felt a need to take over and we clashed and fought like crazy. Grabbing dinner and the ride home was just misery. He wouldn't listen to sound directions and we got stuck in traffic because of it. Our order at Arby's wasn't right and he fled the drive-thru before I could get my order correct.
When we got home I allowed him to eat and immediately laid out his maid uniform. He spent the rest of the afternoon sweeping, mopping and washing walls while I watched Six Feet Under episodes.
I don't know if I would have felt such a need to put him in his place had I not been so nervous about going to work this morning. I worry that my secret will be revealed today and what if any consequences will take place. I have tried to brace myself for anything but even now I just want to hide under my bed and pray for it to be over. I know I can't do that and maybe that's what all of this is about: taking ownership and meeting my fears.
I've decided that any pleasure I might find in my secret is not really worth keeping. I'm throwing it out no matter what today's outcome holds. I am trying so hard to live authentically and there is nothing authentic about hiding who you are. If you are ashamed of any part of you, isn't that proof that it should be removed and thrown away? I don't know what I'm on about. It's nerves raw and throbbing.
I have to just pull up my big girl panties and go on with it.

3 comments:

Sonora Sage said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so unsettled. I really agree with your last paragraph there. However I, too, often have that same urge to hide under the bed and pray for the difficult things to be over. Even though that never helps.

"Rip the bandaid off". It hurts, but it's over quicker that way. That's becoming a phrase I use a LOT lately, for myself AND my friends.

Stephanie said...

When dealing with those worries of being ostracised, think of how the crossdresser/transsexual feels when THEY step out in public. Many years ago when I first started,(35+)it was pure hell. It's not like that now. People are a lot more, "live and let live". You'll be fine, because in reality, no one has ever died from embarrassment.

abrowngirlgonegay said...

I'm still here, but I'm not giggling. Concerned about how serious your entries have become. I hope things take a more positive turn for you. Soon.