Thursday, March 19, 2009

I Never Was the Girl Next Door

I love things that show up in the mail.
Always have, always will.
This was a good week for mail.
My order from E.L.F. ( in yesterday. Most of the products are only a dollar, the shipping only double that and the order showed up in about a week. I've been curious about the whole mineral make up thing and ordered a starter kit for the scene girl. She was not impressed at all and asked when I was going to buy more clinique clarifying foundation for her as she dumped the starter kit on my vanity (she did keep the nice carry case and all but one of the brushes). I tried it out myself this morning and I agree with The Scene Girl. It was not enough coverage for a Drag Queen like me. My face felt naked, and it did little to cover the shine or too much red in my natural skin tone. I did like the eye brow kit and the nail polishes I ordered for Jeanie and I. The eyeliner pen that The Scene Girl ordered is pretty cool too.
A few weeks ago I signed up at Book Mooch after a girl at a used bookstore recommended it as being a way to score all the Charlaine Harris books for very little money. It's a book swap of all the books you don't want for all the books you do want. I've sent out four books and have received two so far. My wish list is filled with books on transgender issues, though I realize I may never run into many of the books I want. I was crushed when a Canadian refused to send me Miss Vera's Finishing School for Boys Who Want to Be Girls . I did receive one on my transgender list and haven't been able to stop reading.
She's Not There by Jennifer Finney Boylin is an autobiography in which she details her lifelong struggle with her burgeoning femaleness and the path she followed to become a female, both physically and mentally. While I believe she leaves out certain details, she seems to write honestly with what she is comfortable discussing about her choice to become a woman while maintaining her role as a husband and father. She did not tell her wife that she was transsexual until after years of marriage and two babies; she never told anyone. It was her belief at a young age that if she found a woman to love, these feelings would go away. This is the best explanation I've come across; the only one I've not held in slight contempt. While I stand the chance of offending some, I must admit that I've never understood why people choose to marry someone while hiding such a huge secret. And yet, so many seem offended that their wives cannot accept them. Maybe this would have been a good conversation around the third date. Why should your true nature be more important than hers?
As I was reading about Jennifer's decision to tell her wife, I watched Jeanie in the kitchen. I wondered if he would be happier as a full-time woman and what would that mean for me? I didn't have to wonder long. I love Jeanie-all aspects and I would gladly give up the male aspects if he thought this would bring him greater fulfillment. I sometimes see Jeanie as being lost, fragile, delicate. I think his duality is a tough fit in the world in general so I asked him would he like to be a girl all the time.
His response was, "You mean cut off my penis?" I nodded yes, and he quickly explained that he would always be pre-op; that the ability to be both was much more appealing to him. Yes, he would love to be free of his five o'clock shadow, but he enjoys his penis and its functions even if he chooses to sit not stand.
I know that he is crazy in love with me and that there might be a fear that saying he wants to be a full-time woman might change the way I feel for him but I believe what he says. He's always chosen to be so true and honest that I've learned not to question what he says. If in time, his truth changes I will accept it.
And maybe that's true for any love. Maybe I underestimate the typical woman. I am curious to learn if Jennifer's wife accepted his crossover but I won't tell.
You should read the book.


Chrissie said...

Joni said:
"While I stand the chance of offending some, I must admit that I've never understood why people choose to marry someone while hiding such a huge secret."

@No offence taken here. :)

In my case it was simply because I had "put it all behind me". I was certain of that.

After a degree of experimentation, I'd found out what I really was by around late 1985. By the end of 1988 I was so scared of what the future held that I threw that lifestyle away, and simply hid ALL of my true self by force of will.

For over 20 years I didn't so much as wear a dress or pair of briefs. I rid myself of all my female mannerisms, or almost all. I allowed no outlets.

By the time I met and fell in love with E, there was nothing to tell her. It was something in my past that I was ashamed off. It was long dead and gone.

And for those TG's who do continue with some part of the life, there's the very real fear that they may lose someone they love by revealing such things, at whatever stage of the courting they choose to do so. Sadly that's all too often borne out, even today.

I didn't marry E for "cover", or to prove anything to myself. I'd had plenty of chances of taking that option in the past with other girls, but never took it. I married E because she was wonderful and I fell totally in love with her.

Yes, I do feel guilty about "inflicting" this on her at this stage in our life. I made a misjudgement. I thought I could carry on as a male forever.

When I told her, I seriously thought I'd lose her.

The Crossdresser's Girlfriend said...

Jennifer Boylan's story is quite similar. She truly felt it was all behind her. Perhaps I have been wrong to think that so many go in with wrong intentions. It's clear to me now that it just happens. This aspect is very confusing to me but I'm learning.

Lynn Jones said...

> good conversation around the third date

LOL. "I love your dress. I've got one a bit like it." Chances of a 4th date? Hmmm. :-D

To anyone who is TG and who is dating, I take my hat off to them if they can be that honest. That takes guts.

> I've never understood why...

The usual reasons I guess: guilt, shame, fear of rejection, etc. I mean, if we ignore the TG (or tranny) aspect of the whole thing, what people with other secrets?

I think that long term honesty is the best policy. I remember reading that some subjects a partner might bring up, well, early on these can be real relationship deal-breakers. Skip on a few years - either a person's physical age or in relationship years - and what was once the death knell, may be something both partners can work through.

Diane S. Frank said...

3rd date? Something like that. Plus I've been on the other side of disclosure, of commitments renegotiated and intentions straying in different directions. We survived. That said it makes me less than sympathetic to both people who don't tell and people who can't grow, be flexible and see what's really important. Trans isn't an exception, and shouldn't be treated as such. As for Jenny's post transition relationship...that's widely known, but in deferrence to the girlfriend, I'll not say. Boylan has her own site here:

The Crossdresser's Girlfriend said...

I appreciate the deference, though I finished the book earlier and checked out the web site. When I click on your name I don't find a blog...or at least the last time you posted I didn't. I'd love to know more about you, Diane.

Chrissie said...

Diana said "3rd date? Something like that"

I don't think anyone can "legislate" on the issue of when, if ever, to break the news.

Every person is different and so every case is different, and I'm not sure I want to pass judgement on those who don't follow an arbitrary, and perhaps political, "ideal".

I was never in the position of having to hide an on-going activity from a partner, but having lived in fear and shame as a child and a youth, when I did have to hide, I'm certainly not going to point the finger and dismiss others who do choose to hide their current activity from their partners.

I guess I'd be a little less understanding if one partner was covering up his or her true sexual orientation as part of that cover, but again, I'd still hesitate to reach down and pick up that first stone.


Diane S. Frank said...


3d date was a reference to my own experience. The context was clear from reading on in the remarks about also having been on the other side of that little problem... something I have yet to met a transperson who has also experienced.

But as for throwing stones, I think we need more of it, not less. I think I've seen people die from not having negative feedback from within the 'community'.

I've been in a location where I haven't been able to post here, because the firewall listed this site as pornographic. If CG (or anyone else wants to know more about me, they can find a collection of links here:
something I set up for this period while I'm living abroad. One other link is here:

And here are my concerns about 'bubbles' and why we need people throwing stones to break them:


Chrissie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chrissie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chrissie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chrissie said...

Some girls have a Bad Hair Day. I get Bad Mind days.

I actually thought Diane was somebody else.... Apologies for all the deleted posts!

Diane S. Frank said...

Can't imagine who. Especially after all those signposts to my public persona for the last 8 years.