I Never Was the Girl Next Door

I love things that show up in the mail.
Always have, always will.
This was a good week for mail.
My order from E.L.F. (eyeslipsface.com)came in yesterday. Most of the products are only a dollar, the shipping only double that and the order showed up in about a week. I've been curious about the whole mineral make up thing and ordered a starter kit for the scene girl. She was not impressed at all and asked when I was going to buy more clinique clarifying foundation for her as she dumped the starter kit on my vanity (she did keep the nice carry case and all but one of the brushes). I tried it out myself this morning and I agree with The Scene Girl. It was not enough coverage for a Drag Queen like me. My face felt naked, and it did little to cover the shine or too much red in my natural skin tone. I did like the eye brow kit and the nail polishes I ordered for Jeanie and I. The eyeliner pen that The Scene Girl ordered is pretty cool too.
A few weeks ago I signed up at Book Mooch after a girl at a used bookstore recommended it as being a way to score all the Charlaine Harris books for very little money. It's a book swap of all the books you don't want for all the books you do want. I've sent out four books and have received two so far. My wish list is filled with books on transgender issues, though I realize I may never run into many of the books I want. I was crushed when a Canadian refused to send me Miss Vera's Finishing School for Boys Who Want to Be Girls . I did receive one on my transgender list and haven't been able to stop reading.
She's Not There by Jennifer Finney Boylin is an autobiography in which she details her lifelong struggle with her burgeoning femaleness and the path she followed to become a female, both physically and mentally. While I believe she leaves out certain details, she seems to write honestly with what she is comfortable discussing about her choice to become a woman while maintaining her role as a husband and father. She did not tell her wife that she was transsexual until after years of marriage and two babies; she never told anyone. It was her belief at a young age that if she found a woman to love, these feelings would go away. This is the best explanation I've come across; the only one I've not held in slight contempt. While I stand the chance of offending some, I must admit that I've never understood why people choose to marry someone while hiding such a huge secret. And yet, so many seem offended that their wives cannot accept them. Maybe this would have been a good conversation around the third date. Why should your true nature be more important than hers?
As I was reading about Jennifer's decision to tell her wife, I watched Jeanie in the kitchen. I wondered if he would be happier as a full-time woman and what would that mean for me? I didn't have to wonder long. I love Jeanie-all aspects and I would gladly give up the male aspects if he thought this would bring him greater fulfillment. I sometimes see Jeanie as being lost, fragile, delicate. I think his duality is a tough fit in the world in general so I asked him would he like to be a girl all the time.
His response was, "You mean cut off my penis?" I nodded yes, and he quickly explained that he would always be pre-op; that the ability to be both was much more appealing to him. Yes, he would love to be free of his five o'clock shadow, but he enjoys his penis and its functions even if he chooses to sit not stand.
I know that he is crazy in love with me and that there might be a fear that saying he wants to be a full-time woman might change the way I feel for him but I believe what he says. He's always chosen to be so true and honest that I've learned not to question what he says. If in time, his truth changes I will accept it.
And maybe that's true for any love. Maybe I underestimate the typical woman. I am curious to learn if Jennifer's wife accepted his crossover but I won't tell.
You should read the book.