Friday, March 13, 2009

An Open Letter to Diane

Today I received a thoughtful comment from an unfamiliar reader on a blog I wrote some time ago. Unfortunately I was at work at the time and could not respond right away, but maybe I'll just blog a comment back.

Diane S. Frank has left a new comment on your post "This One..Is Not Like The Others":
I'll be pointing Helen to your Blog, and she in turn may be able to link you other women who are more like you. Helen enjoyed Betty's crossdressing, it's the ongoing transition that's hard. You've said nothing about hormones or surgery. There was a woman similar to you mentioned in the book...she died of breast cancer a couple of years ago. As for whether crossdressing is a debilitating disease- it can be. And the hot CD on the cover? That's Betty. I think I'll follow your blog- the question of whether a domme/sub relationship can be a real relationship has interested me for a while...but it's hard to find examples. The few people I know are so caught up in their 'lifestyle' that they view the rest of the world in a strange manner, sort of like how someone in Amway or any other multilevelmarketing organization starts to view everyone as a potential downline or customer.

I am surprised that I haven't been called out about my thoughts on Helen Boyd's book "My Husband Betty" before now. I know that she is widely favored in the Transgender Community. As I've grown a little more familiar with the Transgender Community, I understand that this book speaks to the majority of women who are in relationships with Crossdressers. Most women do not go into the relationship knowing about the crossdressing. For these women, this book is ideal.

I am a minority in that I knew Jeanie before I knew Gene. The fact that he loved to dress as a female was exciting and thrilling-not surprising and shocking for me. What has been surprising and shocking is that I have not found more women like me. If they are out there, I haven't found them. There is no community for girls like me.

There's an old saying that women marry men in hopes of changing them, and men marry women in hopes that they never will. I am more like the man in that I hope Jeanie never changes. He has changed. He will continue to change. Some of those changes have occurred under my influence and suggestion. It's obvious when I look at photos and read diary entries. I've encouraged him to allow the girl in him to go out into the world and what shoes would be correct for the occasion.

As far as hormones and surgery go, I am more than supportive of that if Jeanie ever decides to do that. Hormones and electrolysis have been discussed more than surgery although he loves the idea of having breasts. He says that he would never opt for having a vagina over a penis, but I question that. When I touch Jeanie's cock, it's not in a traditional sense. I always touch him as if I'm touching a woman or myself and therefore I believe that a full transition might be something he will one day seek.

I believe the hardest thing I've had to overcome in learning to totally trust Jeanie is the fear that at some point he will have the desire to be with a man. Isn't that the natural progression? I've found part of that answer from within my own desires. While I am totally turned on by a man in lipstick and heels, I am not turned on by a woman in the same. While I feel I am generally considered to be a straight woman, my social circle is primarily gay. I am approached by bisexual and gay women on a relatively consistent basis without ever feeling a mutual attraction. It is not in Jeanie to be attracted to men (who hit on him on a relatively consistent basis as well) just as it is not in my nature to be attracted to women. I've also come to realize that someone who is open and honest enough to allow the world to know he likes to dress as a woman would hardly mind admitting that he was attracted to men.

Of course domme/sub relationships can work. All relationships are domme/sub whether they are called that or not. Someone has to take the lead and someone has to follow. It is rarely equal. People can go on about that all they want but I will never believe it to be so. The ironic part is that the one running the show isn't always the domme. Sometimes the sub is really in charge.

Diane, I think I've always viewed the world in a strange manner and while I constantly try to explain myself, I rarely expect people to buy into it.


Jamiegottagun said...

All t-girls do not end up wanting to be with men. It is not neccessarily a natural progression. That's a huge public misconception that a man who likes to dress like a woman, does so because he wants to be with a man.

There's no way of knowing if Jeanie will, or won't.

My own personal experience is that only about 25% of t-girls ever wind-up liking guys. It's much more common for t-girls to wind-up liking other t-girls, over both women and men. But, for the most part, I think, that is because it is such a small percentage of t-girls that ever find a partner who is not only accepting of their femulation, but as in your case, turned on by it. Which makes them yearn for someone who understands and desires them, so they turn to other t-girls.

You are a one in a million woman... Like a diamond! Jeanie is VERY lucky to have found you, or for you to have found her. Most t-girls would trade their souls to find a woman like you who can be hot for our girl-side.

That right there might mean that Jeanie will never desire anything else, but you.

Diane S. Frank said...

I don't think I was calling you out, so much as trying to make a connection for you and fill in a few missing pieces.

I'm aware that in the formal Domme/Sub world the argument is made that all relationships are D/s. I think it's sophistry myself. The appearance of a D/s relationship is one person in charge, all the time. This may ape the stereotypes of patriarchal societies...but the realities are different...and I'm not talking about topping from the bottom. In the mature adult relationships I observe people give and take, and trade off 'leadership' depending on the circumstances and the skill set. (gay and straight relationships btw).

What really strikes me as odd about formal D/s relationships (the type where you say 'put on the french maids outfit and scrub the walls')- is the sheer energy involved in maintaining them. Like many of the complex 'queer identities' that seem popular in the lesbian and FtM communities it all seems like so much work over the long haul. You probably read Jamie,s blog about her work as a roofer. What matters there is getting the job done. Is Jamie really a boy or a girl, or a butch dyke or a boi or a,... doesn't matter. Does the job get done?

In a D/s relationship, there's still the office party to go to, the groceries to buy, the kid to take to school. So I'll be watching with interest to see whether time and circumstance wear down the edges of your relationship or not.

Chrissie said...

My wife E is a fair bit like C-G, in that she's proved so far to be a LOT more than just grudingly accepting.

We shop togther, and when she shops alone she'll think of me and pick clothes that she reckons would suit me. She helps with my make-up and helps shave me.

She's a strong personality, but very feminine and has wonderful empathy; a factor that has seen her Complementary Therapy client-base flourish.

Shortly after I told her what was happening to me, I bought E one of Helen Boyd's books (She's not the man I married) in the hope that she would take some solace or gain some understanding of our situation from it. I hadn't read it beforehand.

E read about halfway through and it's now in her bedside drawer, unread for weeks. She said that she understood that Helen was writing about herself and that it was a good read, but that Helen's take on the "problem" didn't tie in with hers at all. That's not a criticism; different strokes for different folks, after all. I do intend to have a read of it myself one day.

I often wonder if E and I are Dom/Sub. In the eyes of the "normal" world, I guess so, although it does not involve punishment.

I see my role as being supportive of her and the kid and the home. She is, after all, the main breadwinner. This is nothing new, as we adapted to this on economic grounds; my work did not bring in anywhere near as much as hers did. Although my male persona kicked at the situation a few times, this gender-role swap was just the logical way of doing things.

There is not really a sexual aspect to that side of things, but since my male facade shattered and I started on the road of transition, the sexual side of our relationship HAS changed.

Again, although there is no formal dom/sub set up, or anything other than "play" punishment, it's very clear that E calls the shots and is the dominant partner in our lovemaking.

Again, my reaction is that it seems right, both for her and myself.

And on a final note. E and I got married over eight years ago. SHE asked ME to marry her, and that was when my male cover was firmly in place and long before I gave up and acknowledged that I had to Re-assign.

Even under deep cover, inside I felt giddy and hot and my heart was singing.
I couldn't hide the tears when I said yes.

Cassidy Brynn said...

Ah, the sexual head of the crossdressing dragon rears itself. Is there something in the air? This month my crossdressing has found my sexual buttons more than my personality buttons...but that's neither here nor there.

Sexuality is broad and wide and the world will never publically understand, yet most men and women have thought about their sexuality in some kind of gender bending they acknowlegde it? Hell no. It's scary.

My wife is terrified that I'll run off into the arms of a man...truth is though I could have sex with a man and enjoy it, I couldn't ever love one. Never. It's more likely I'd end up with another T-girl or GG than a man. Let the world wonder!

Anonymous said...

I also am like you in the sense that I met my M2F SO while she was en femme; in fact, I was seeking someone like her. I agree there don't seem to be many women like us, and it can feel a little lonely. Where is "our" community? The local transgender group we hang out with is filled with grudging or downright martyred wives who grit their teeth to "accept" their spouse's condition. I suspect they are suspicious of me, or think I'm kind of a perv. But I really think a lot more women would dig it if they saw this as an alternative model for a relationship. So far I haven't been able to convert any of my girlfriends, although I've met some awesome t-girls that are real relationship material!

Chrissie said...

Thinking further on this, I have to say I'm with Joni 100% on the "equality" issue, in that I feel it simply does not exist outside of the narrow confines of political theory.

I've had one affair where, because of the other person's personality and "political" stance, the relationship was "equal". But although she was a lovely, caring girl, I got bored.

I did not want "equal"

I wanted strong arms to hold me. I wanted someone to take a degree of control over me, to protect me, to comfort me, to desire me. I wanted someone who would seduce me. I wanted someone who would force me back against the wall whilst kissing me, someone who would take me.

And I wanted that someone to be another woman.

They do exist, and I'm married to someone who is now doing all of that, not just because it's what I need from a relationship, but because she seems to have discovered that it's what she wants this relationship to be.