NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU

So maybe I'm not done.

I'm not so dead as I am grieving.

I don't think I would let myself when we broke up because I would have never gotten through it. Telling the Crossdresser to leave was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I never thought I could do it and I'm still not sure how I did it except that something else took over for me. Maybe an angel. Maybe a demon. Either way being without her is painful and awful. I miss her on every possible level. She is the kindest, sweetest person I've ever known and she is gone. Irrefutably and painfully absent from my life.

The strange thing is that I knew where she had gone. I don't know how except to think that psychically we are still together in some way. There is no other explaination. While I read her blog for details, she never said where she was and yet I knew. I knew other

details she did not say in her blog.

Thinking you know something and knowing it to be sincere truth are two different things. A thought doesn't slice you open the way a nasty truth can. My worst fear has come true and fucked with my whole head. My Crossdresser wasted no time in moving in finding a MAN to take my place. How fucked up is that?

I'll tell you what is more fucked up: the thought that I made him do it. Maybe I didn't give him any choice. I begged him to go home and he just wouldn't. He even got a call from his Mom upon leaving. He thought I called her but I didn't. She must have been reading the blog. Why did he go and is it my fault? I'm racked with grief and guilt.

I cried and screamed in tongues. Did I force him to go upon his nature? This pains me with an empathy that only someone who has been defiled can feel.

Today we spoke and now I know the truth and felt salty tears for the first time since we broke up. I could feel the pain in her voice. We both admitted to wishing we could take it all back: the move, the breakup, everything that pulled us apart.

And yet, there is no way to stop the here and now. I again begged her to go home. What I didn't say was "Oh please go home and stay safe and warm and I'll come for you when I can." Some people are hard to tear apart. I will always love Jeanie. I will never stop loving her but I love her enough to know I wasn't making her happy. She had grown as much as she could possibly grow with me. I believe she is meant for wonderful things and I love her enough to not stand in her way.

I spent the afternoon crying across my bed. I can still smell her there. I can still feel her if I try. I hope I never stop trying.

Please pray for the Crossdresser.

Please pray for the Crossdresser's Girlfriend.

Obituary

The Crossdresser's Girlfriend has died.

I am no one's girlfriend now.

An era has ended in more ways than one.

I thought I should weep but I didn't.

I am bothered that I am not more emotional.

I feel cold and heartless.

The truth is I couldn't care for her anymore.

One should know their limitations.

I know mine.

Now I must strip the love from my life.

It's a bit like pulling off a band aid.

This is the first relationship that turned me off from love.

I can't imagine entangling myself in another one.

I am truly free.

I want to stay that way.

This is my last entry.

It would feel random to be writing under a title I no longer hold.

I will not remove.

Not now anyway.

I have found great comfort in blogging and will begin a new one.

If you want to follow, let me know.

Goodbye Friends.

Leaving Carolina

To say the Crossdresser and I are a little tense would be an understatement.

In a matter of weeks, we gave notices, sold or gave away most of our possessions and moved across state on New Year's Eve.

We drove away with a fat debit card and what we could fit in the car.

The landlord has called but I didn't listen to his message.

We left it clean but with a little more than there than when we moved in.

We did the best we could and besides-he kept my deposit for breaking the lease-no hard feelings.

I was feeling pretty good.

I felt free and hopeful.

Until.

I'm supposed to be the exception to the rule not the example.

The car started to overheat about half way there.

It was awful.

To find yourself on the side of the road with everything you own.

The boys came running.

I made it to a grocery store parking lot.

It took both cars to put what we had in one.

Shell shocked our way through the New Years.

I didn't anticipate my car breaking down.

It had been running fine the way cars that are paid off run.

Little space and short fuses.

Did I tell you that the Crossdresser quit drinking?
It makes for more fun.

Maybe I'm in over my head but I work well that way.

I added a donate button to my blog.

It's only until I secure a job and get things rolling.

I need your help but won't ask for it.

I believe that things happen in their own short cook way.

I'll cook up something.

I just don't know if we'll survive-the two of us.

Jeanie has shut down in so many ways that I don't know if there is such a thing as recovery.

Love recovery.

Again-I believe things work themselves out as long as we participate in the work and he isn't. He's lazy and grumpy and going through the motions. I'm sending out resumes and doing what I know to do but it's like he doesn't know what to do. He hasn't even looked for a job. He feels like a weight on my back when he should be helping me.

Chariots race in my mind.

No Need To Stand Up, I Was Only Passing Through-Dylan

The news spread like a trailer house fire and my resignation came to everyone as a shock. My job was posted on the company web site and it's funny to see all of the people standing in line to take a place I'm grateful to be leaving.

Do you believe in cycles? My Mother was the first to believe in marks in time to ever speak of it to me. She believed that her joys and sorrows came in waves of 7 years. 7 good years, 7 bad years and so on. I wonder what wave she's riding now.

If you follow numerology, I have nine year cycles and I am coming upon a new one in 2010. I believe that the brutal nature of this last cycle causes a chariot like need to plow down my house and storm on. I've been selling and giving away everything. Letting go has a strange therapeutic smells-like- medicine effect on me. Take it away. Leave me a lone.

I'm deuling it out with some old bones and it's not surprising that I've taken a great deal out on Jeanie. We have sex in the hallway. "Fuck you." "No fuck you!" I can't tell you the last time I've had sex with someone other than myself. She's hairy and I'm bored. Last night I read her tarot cards. I never learned to read my own properly so I thought reading Jeanie's would give me a glimpse into my own future.

Great cards. Changes in fortune and fame. Opportunities through Friends and Family. I also saw an inheritance in March. I saw no pain so I told him that he and I would be together in the new year. Lots of travel and celebrations but no break ups.

She's a delicate flower. She's too far gone to ever turn back now. She is not the same person that I met in 2008. There is more moodiness and a need to not be told what to do. She can be defensive and withdrawn. I can be defensive and withdrawn. I need to paint my nails and color my hair and shop for shoes but that would require effort taken from other things that I must do before the end of the month.

In 2010 she will require more than me. She will meet new people that would become important to her. She will be more individual than she ever dreamed of.

I wanna go back to school. I wish she could support me while I did so. I think I'd like to be a sex therapist...or a probation officer. Same difference, right?

Too Far Gone

Hello Friends.
I woke up at 3 and at 7 I crawled into bed with the crossdresser.
It's a single but the only bed I haven't sold for my freedom.
Some may call it a move but I call things what they really are and I'm buying freedom.
Freedom and the logistics surrounding obtaining freedom is all I can think about.
With everything I sell I feel that much closer.
The house is much emptier and the single bed with a sleeping crossdresser was too cozy to resist crawling into. The pleasure of a crossdresser is sweeter and more divine than a mere mortals.
I could hear rain falling and thunder crashing and I fell into a teenage dream. I opened my back door and found a worn red dirt path that I felt feverishly led to someplace I needed to go. I got in my car but it was too narrow with passing trucks so I took off on a massive bicycle. The road was littered with people and I saw old friends that I had not seen in 20 years but they greeted me and made me smile as if we had never lost touch. Eventually the path led into a covered bridge that led into a restaurant where people were having chicken wings for breakfast and smoking madly. I realized that the path dead ended in the kitchen of this restaurant so I got off the bike only to realize my skimpy night gown was gathered around my middle and I was walking a bicycle in a crowded restaurant with my bare ass showing. It only bothered me for a moment and went back up the dirt path and spoke with young boy peddlers. I awoke before I made it back home.
My workplace feels strange and I don't care to spend much time there. I don't have much time left. I will be giving my notice next week and my last day will be new year's eve. I'm curious as to the reaction of my notice but it will make little difference. I'm too far gone to turn back now-sure that line is from a song but I don't know which one.

Pretty In Pink

This morning we held our first yard sale in hopes of getting rid of stuff.

We loaded tons of stuff on to the front lawn and there she was...pink sweatshirt, girl jeans, hair pulled back to show off dangle earrings, last night's make up and pink tennis shoes and nails to match. I watch with a non-judgemental eye at how rural people react. There is no reaction. Whether it's a yard sale or a trip to the grocery store, our community doesn't give up the lifetime movie drama you would expect. They are kind and cordial and are careful to keep it very non-gender. I can't say that it's equality but it's gotta mean something or at least it does to me.

The Scene Girl is with us this weekend. She knows we are moving to California and promises to visit in the summer. She is loving and supportive and says she is happy with her Daddy. It feels like I'm being pulled by an invisible force towards the unknown and I pray I'm doing the right things.

gratitude

I am grateful.

I have yet to go a day without love.

I know the kindness of the universe.

I got Jesus' word I will get into heaven even if he has to sneak me in through the kitchen entrance.

I have a free spirit and a generous style.

I got legs that own their own zip code.

My home is full of love and friends.

A lovely spread of food is on my table.

I am a dreamer.

What I can't dream I'll scheme into existence.

I have witnessed miracles.

I have experienced joy.

I came from humble beginnings.

I rose above all my karmic misgivings.

I have forgiveness for those who left me for dead.

I thank the angels who broke my fall everytime I lost my balance.

I choose to live out loud.

My life is never boring.

People still surprise me.

I look to the sky and find pink cotton candy and later I'll find stars.

I have kissed the face of God and remembered to lift one leg to my knee.

I taste like raspberries sweet loverly sweat.

I remember to laugh.

I am inspired.

I am destined for greatness.

I'm a little over a month from California.

My mind is as sharp as a fourth grader's pencil.

Dylan wrote songs about me before I was even born.

I felt the spirit of Elvis in the room beside the racquetball court at Graceland.

I once hung out with Janis Joplin in a dream.

I have been baptised in the sea of forgetfulness.

A friend is always a phone call around.

I am drenched in faith.

I get dry with fluffy towels and sleep on silk in the cradle of Jeanie's arms.

I make out with a girl and fuck a gorgeous rock god.

I have a face that begs for love. (Dylan said that)

I get around to everyplace I want to go on my own high-heeled feet.

I never stop learning.

I never stop growing.

I never stop being grateful.

California

Despite joining Blogger a month before the Crossdresser, Jeanie has 3 more followers than me.
We have different appeals, I suppose.
It still doesn't mean you should follow me already so I can prove I'm loved.
I do get more comments and emails.
Many of you have sent greetings concerning our move and a few curiosities.
Where are we moving?
San Diego.
In a way, I feel I've always known that's where I was going.
Do you get into numerology.
Well, according to numerology, I'm in a 9 year cycle that ends in 2010.
I didn't get to enjoy San Diego nearly long enough the last time.
I snuck out at dusk to return to my karma cycle.
As that cycle has come to a close, life has been interesting.
Not abundant in some ways and yet rich in others.
I am a lot smarter and cleaner.
I owned up to a lot.
I took a lot.
I feel I've paid my debt and can move on to a greater experience.
A few years back I lived in San Diego but it was just a soft place to land.
It was easy and I knew it couldn't last but it was an easy fit.
I dated alot and made good friends I still talk to.
Now is a perfect time to lay new claim to happiness.
In a way, I'm terrified.
Nobody is going to hire me over the phone so I have to go without employment.
In the same way it's very exciting.
I'm liquidating everything I own for a shot to be where I wanna be and seek out my future.
You have to applaud me for sheer nerve.
That and I'm sick of being beat up and watching others take their licks at my job.
I'm trying to be very non-violent and yet inside I'm raging.
HOW DARE THEY LOSE THEIR HUMANITY AND LET THE MONSTERS LOOSE?!!!!
I can't act out.
I have to glide out gracefully though I will have to unclinch my fists and cover my mouth.
Jeanie is the good pet and says she'll follow me anywhere.
I found a trans support group in our new neighborhood (hillcrest...where else would we live?)
I think Jeanie is a lot more real and honest about herself than most.
Maybe she can be an inspiration to others.
She's been talking about another crossdresser.
I know that she longs to have a friend.
Most of our friend are beautiful gay boys and one gender girl.
No one to relate to.
Though my crossdresser has plenty of novelty.
We've talked about Jeanie trying to find employment as a girl.
If you can't try in California, where can you try?
It's a new start and my girl would be so happy to throw away all of her male clothes.
I love her so much that it makes little difference to me.
She's too far gone to ever turn back.
I'll never see her as a male.
If I want that, I'll have to look elsewhere.
Sometimes I do.
Just in thought so far.
Sometimes a girl likes the thought of a 70s porno vanilla straight sexuls afternoon.
I think I'll chase the girl in the pink dress now....

Financing A Dream

After Halloween, Joy snuck out my bedroom window.
She was starved half to death and maybe she could sneak in bed with the neighbors.
It would have to be somewhere close or she'd be found dead by the waste side.
I had broken up with nearly every lovely thing I've known.
I even questioned if I would be a Crossdresser's Girlfriend for much longer.
My job is a soul slayer and I won't survive there.
I certainly won't thrive.
I can give up and conform to the discomfort.
Only I can't.
I don't know how to give out.
My only option is to clear out and move on.
In these instances, I always come to a crossroad of options.
The Devil's Crossroads?
Perhaps.
I'll have single strand regrets no matter what I choose.
I'm okay with that.
At least I'll be gone.
I won't have an audience whether I fly or fall.
I hope you read of it in the paper.
Both current options revolve around my beloveds.
Cousin David and Mark say they will make me happy.
I have no doubt they would but what about Jeanie?
I don't think they love him enough to not come between us.
And besides.
Virginia is their destination.
I don't want to be a bystandard in my own story.
And then it occurs to me that a full circle is in order.
I will go to where I was before here.
I loved it there.
She's a long legged woman of a place and it's like God french kissed every inch of her.
So it is decided.
And it is so.
But when?
My last day of work will be on Elvis' birthday (January 8).
I will leave the day before my Momma's birthday (January 11).
Last minute plans are rarely thought out well but that gives them foolish luck.
Last minute plans don't give a lot of time to sort out money.
The most I can save by January is 3 grand.
I think of a U Haul.
U Hauls aren't romantic. Just that human need to drag things around.
Change with the same old stuff around to comfort you.
I don't need any of it.
So it's decided.
I'd rather have a lot of cash than a lot of stuff.
I want to grow money not boxes.
I want a fresh start with fresh money.
Stuff will show back up.
And all this thinking makes my heart pound and my blood flow.
Joy decided she didn't like the neighbors and came on home.
I made her a pan of brownies and she promised to never leave again if I let her get her nose pierced.
I feel a confidence.
I suddenly have piece of mind in giving up everything I own for the chance at peace of mind.
It would so be worth it.

Haunted

Lately, we've noticed peculiar things.
A candle that had been sitting on the TV for days, flew off and landed on the floor two feet away while a friend and I were having a chat on the couch.
Our dog communicates with thin air and alerts us to it's presence.
In Virginia, I acquired a very strange ceramic piece painted in 1978 by a Jenny Coates.
I named him Richard.
He wears a red robe trimmed in green and rocks a long goatee. There is a goat's head strung on string around his neck, a money pouch around his waist, and a dagger in his right hand. He's evil for sure but I'm not sure why this woman painted him in ceramics class or where she would have found a mold for this particular guy. He's got a certain energy and I wanted him immediately and Cousin David had no choice but give him to me. I wanted to put him with my Geishas but he's too tall for the chef. He sits on a corner shelf overlooking the room.
My kitchen is trashed. Adam decided to make yummy pumpkin pecan chocolate chip cookies. I reminded Jeanie of the rule. I don't have many rules but the kitchen must always be clean before bed. I can't stand to wake up to a mess. Tonight she is feisty and flirty and has had way too much too drink. I promise I will bind and gag you and leave you with a water dish in the bathroom all day if I wake up to a mess. She laughs and says I'm a tease.
And yet, there she is tidying up like a regular house mop.
I experienced a disappointment this week; one I share with no one. A heavy cloud of discontent sat over me. And yet I survived. And yet I thrived. Friends called. Loved ones came by. A young guy at work hands me a book and said he thought I would like it. It was written by a Buddhist Monk I quite admire. I have read his work but not this particular book and I was touched that this quiet boy had honored me in such a way. I snuck off to a Chinese buffet and read the forward by the Dalai Lama. A precious gift.
I bought myself a vintage silver ring with a moonstone as it's center piece. Moons ago I had a moonstone necklace and I had the most curious adventures when I wore it. People seemed to be especially drawn to me and I made friends of strangers quite easily. I lost it somewhere between California and North Carolina. I lost a lot of things crossing the country and wrote letters in the backs of many bibles. I received emails from those who read my letters for quite a few years after those words were written. I wondered if they tore them out or just wrote my email address down so others could discover me in New Mexico, Nebraska, Louisiana, and Kentucky.
Adam gave me an obscure Marilyn Monroe movie on DVD.
I worked hard and worked hard at forgetting about it in the evenings. A few nights I can't remember going to bed.
The Crossdresser asked why I wasn't feeling sexy lately.
I don't know the answer to that one.
I'm just not?
I would just like to make other things.
Plans. Dreams. Flights to far away places.
A ride on a train in large sunglasses and leather gloves and big red lips.
Life is beautiful even when its not.
When you don't get what you wanted more than anything.
When you got all that you ever need.

STRAIGHT

I love having morning coffee with Cousin David. Even a morning without coffee because SOMEBODY forgot to buy creamer with a phone call from Cousin David is good.

This morning, he told me about a conversation with his sister. His sister told of how a few of her husbands relatives got drunk and admitted visiting a trio of transsexuals from time to time. His sister immediately saying that she knew they were gay. Dave told her that's not necessarily true. I said it was absolutely not true. I know a few transsexuals who are more feminine than David's sister though we are almost identical and she could be really diva if she wanted but it's not a matter of genes but laziness.

Sexual preference isn't nearly as simple as Stephanie believes it to be. She hasn't been exposed to as much sexuality as Cousin David and I. Straights tend to keep their business in glass jars inside their heads and rarely break them out with honesty. Otherwise, they wouldn't be straights anymore would they?

Yeah, I'm with a guy but that doesn't make me a straight. I gave up on straights years ago and gave up their teachings soon after. If I'm with a guy but he looks, loves and walks it like a girl, how does that make me straight?

Get Behind Me Satan

Mandy is the only gender girl I can take for more than 15 minutes at a time. Taking her along on a sticky sweet candy corn weekend as absolutely the best! I came up with the halo of Christmas star tinsel was my idea. I'm a pretty smart girl.

Except when I'm not.

Our goal was to take loads of pictures with Michael Jacksons but we mostly took pictures of Mandy kissing gay boys. She is an excellent gay boy kisser.

At the after hours club I locked eyes with a very tall drag of a girl standing in the doorway. I later found him sitting by himself so I grabbed his hand and took him upstairs to read his tarot cards. We sat on that couch and I twirled locks of his wig around my finger. He's not trans. I don't think he's even a cross dresser. I really think it was just a costume. I think a crossdresser's girlfriend would know.

The experience left me a little side ways. I miss men. I miss their smell and the silly way they try to charm you. The roar. The thunder. A Lion not a Lamb even if the Lion was sitting there in bad drag.

The powerful dominance of his presence was warm and pleasing. Our flirty conversation oozed with testosterone and I realized I miss that.

I don't know what to do about it.

I guess I'm lucky the night ended quickly and I'll probably never see him again.

Even if I want to a little.

Jeanie dressed the entire weekend and as provocatively as possible. People gaped and stared. She looked like a hooker. We couldn't get her to change. She takes off her makeup and nail polish for work but that's it. She is full female-venturing out without a thought. Our sex is so lesbian and his penis feels strapped on. She really is a girl. I rarely ever see that obnoxious boy anymore and that's a little sad.

I don't know if I'm special enough for this. While I can't imagine being happy in an ordinary guy girl relationship, I can't quite imagine never being attracted to a man again.

Oh, what to do!

I know what I shouldn't do.

Maybe I'm being tested.

Vanity

A Witch and her pet

A witch and her pet.

Can't you love on that all day long?

I can.

Of course I can.

Halloween was an absolute blast!

Our friends Mandy and Hakim joined us on a road trip to Cousin David and Mark's in Virginia. Downtown Richmond was jumping with freaks and we fit right in!

While I Fade Into a Deeper Shade of Red

There's a few things I can't stand.

Chipped nail polish

Fake gold jewelry.

White dress shoes.

Roots.

I think it all comes from riding on the school bus.

I couldn't stand my brown roots for another second and grabbed a red box on the way home.

This one came with color booster so it went on like blood.

Jeanie watched and asked questions.

Jeanie is big on questions though she retains so little of what I explain to her.

Lots of things are going through my head.

I tell her that I want to cut my hair.

I wanna go with a more professional look.

I have an interview with a government agency in Virginia next Monday.

This is so exciting that what I've been on about for over a month is coming to pass.

There is power in our thoughts and words.

Have no doubts about it.

I am not sure what I'll tell my boss to explain my absence.

Work is dreadfully slow for me.

Now that Human Resources is actually being Human Resources there is less for me to do but the need for money is still there so I press on and pretend to be busy even when I'm not.

Saturday I submitted my resume and all the needed forms and was up until wee hours.

Sunday I was lazy.

While Jeanie was at work I laid in bed and watched movies on Netflix from my lap top.

I tend to go for independents and documentaries.

I found one called Creature.

It's about a transgender male-to-female from my home state who went to California to be her true self.

A lot of it is hard to watch.

You fall in love with her and you so desperately want to take care of her because nobody seems to. I love the reunion with her baptist backwater parents when she comes home totally transformed and they love her just the same. Totally beautiful.

Afterwards I googled her. I wanted to see what she had been up to since 1999.

The documentary ends with a note that she had given up working at the club and was taking classes.

Sadly, I found out she took on the name Barbie Woods and has done a lot of porn as a she-male. I want to believe she did it so she could have the surgery she wanted but I doubt it. Money made in that way is rarely kept.

I fanned her on facebook hoping to get a happily but some stories are just doomed to end badly. Of course, I admire her for refusing to live as a boy even part-time. Perhaps prostitution and porn is better than denying your true self. And it made me think about Jeanie who dresses almost exclusively as a female except when she works. Does she want to move forward? I ask and she says what she really wants is electrolysis which would making dressing so much easier. I ask her about breasts and eventually between the legs but she doesn't show much interest in going that far.

Once, I thought this was something I didn't want. Once I thought that I wanted her to be both forever but not so much. The longer I love Jeanie, the more I know that it's not about flesh. I want her to be happy and I would never deny her what would truly make her happy.

I flop like a fish in wondering if Jeanie is a crossdresser or is Jeanie a transsexual. I don't know any more than I know if I am straight or if I am a lesbian.

Everyday, there is hope that I will come closer to knowing the truth.

Pedals

I ordered my Halloween costume yesterday.

It was not the one I originally picked out.

The one I really wanted to wear was a naughty cop get up but that was before my defining moment. I will tell you about the defining moment but I don't really feel like having any discussion on it. I'll just share. So it was my first week back at work. I'm racing around the sales floor and I am stopped by a coworker from another department. They use our conference room for active living classes. She stops me with squeals, hands over her mouth and starts congratulating me. I tried to shut the bitch down. I couldn't.

Everyone assured me that I don't look pregnant. Maybe it was the baby doll dress I had on. Maybe it was because I had taken off my heels and put on house shoes so I could climb about the office putting up Halloween decorations. Maybe it was because the bitch had left her husband, pierced her nose and had lost 30 pounds and just wanted to feel better about herself.

It doesn't matter. It was my defining moment. It was time to get real and the truth is I put on 20 pounds while I was sick. 20 pounds on an already thick frame would make me look pregnant in a baby doll dress I suppose. I immediately called my doctor and squeezed a prescription for fat girl pills out of him. He had ragged me about losing weight anyway. One of my boys gave me an exercise bike I have in my living room. I eat very little and never after 3 pm.

So if any of you for one minute think you are the only ones who are uncomfortable in your own skin, you would be so wrong. I have to go around feeling like I look pregnant while I live with a boy in a dress who looks more like a runway model than some real runway models. Jeanie is divine and I want to slap her when she wants to diet with me. Silly girl. You're gorgeous. Go have a sandwich, already! You don't have to live this. Only I do.

I'm down seven pounds but I am too self conscious for the cop costume. I went with something that even Liz Taylor could pull off. I'll look great but not nearly as sexy had I lived in denial of my weight gain. Part of me doesn't even want to do Halloween but it's my favorite holiday and I can't imagine making Jeanie sit at home with me.

My Mandy and our friend Lady Saigon are joining Jeanie and I on a road trip to Virginia to celebrate Halloween with the Boys. Since their move, our social group has dis banned and no one is having any parties here so we're having one of our own.

This week I learned that two coworkers of mine are in transgender relationships-just backwards from mine. Their mates are so passable; I would almost think they were gender males. They have it much easier. I don't have to talk to them to know that. I only have to see them out all the time to know it. Jeanie is out and proud but is still extra careful to make sure he left no signs of mascara or nail polish before he goes to work. Of course to my coworkers they are just lesbians but I'm sorry. You're hiding your breasts and looking like hot high school boys isn't just because you dig on girls.

In a way, this gives me hope that in the years to come, people will be free to be exactly who they are whenever they feel the need to be. That's a beautiful thing.

I'm off to ride my bike to nowhere but I'll pretend I'm going to Michigan Avenue.

The Magician's Assistant

I got up this morning with every intention of going to work. I showered. I sat in front of my vanity and painted my face like I've done a million times but after I dried my hair upside down and pulled on panties and high heels and just you're typical office girl getting ready stuff, I felt like that chick the magician saws in half. Jeanie asked why I bothered. Ironically, I requested the first week in October off three months ago. It was approved so technically, I don't have to go back to work until Monday. I wanted to just because this whole thing has really eaten up my paid time off but Jeanie works and we don't have any bills except household expenses. I know the medical bills will be showing up soon but Fiddle Dee Dee and Scarlett O'Hara to all of that. Today I'm sore and just can't go around in heels all day. I need to make myself well-completely so.

I think yesterday was an off day for a lot of people reading the blogs that I read. I read more than I comment on which is something I thought I would never do but it's fact pure and simple. Some are harder to read than others and I think that's because it skirts around the hips of my own issues. Jeanie and I fought terribly last night. There wasn't absolute ounce of understanding between us. I wasn't getting him and he wasn't getting me and for pure distraction we made passionate love until we passed out. Actually, I had to get up. Lately, sex regenerates me instead of the usual roll over and cuddle me thing.

I am not sure we are any further along in making peace despite the making love thing. Jeanie woke up in cranky boy mode cringing with irritability and dripping with discontent. I couldn't get him to talk. Last night, he had plenty to say. He even played this song from NIN (ringfinger I think) about being like my Jesus and some such nonsense and screaming that I never want to hear negativity which makes it impossible for him to release what haunts his tragic transgender soul.

Oh Bother.

Good Grippy Grief.

The funny thing? I can trace all of this back to an off-hand remark I made about this guy.

I've had a hollywood crush on him since we spent a summer in Chicago together. Okay-he was with Jennifer Aniston and I was with Rich Ray but humor me and go along with it. While flipping channels on the flipping tv I found a dancing Vince Vaughn in that Christmas flick. I will watch said flick just to watch Vince Vaughn dance with elves I think he's so hot. So, I say what maybe should have stayed in my head but was something..oh...along the lines of....."He's so tall and gorgeous! I just wanna sit on top of him and twirl!!!!"

Jeanie immediately questioned this saying "How can you be attracted to him when he's so masculine?" Jeanie is so unjealous. I can kiss gay boys and I've told him flat out that I wish I could be a female polygamist and just have a house full of crossdressers to tickle and love and squeeze and call my very own and he's totally suspiciously okay with that.

We are not swingers or anything gross like that but he allows me to act out some of my fantasies and seems to understand that it's not really in my nature to believe I am only supposed to love one person. I'm completely commited to Jeanie but I think there are others that need my love too and one day I will meet them and give them what they need for however long that is.

Jeanie's whole day went to shit after that. He just could not believe that I still dig on masculine men but that's just me and noone will ever talk me out of Vince Vaughn not that I'd ever want to keep him. Men are trouble and alot of work and they want you to make them sandwiches and never like the same tv shows that you do. They fall dead after orgasm and forget to even care if your back has arched or not.

So the Vince remark was made and he turned into a boy and said things like he didn't know if he was man enough for me and was scared that I didn't want him anymore and bought beer and pouted and didn't want to do anything but fight with me. Yuck.

I spoke with him a moment ago and he sounds better. More like a crossdresser. Less like an asshole.

We'll see.

In other news-I've lost three pounds since last week.

I'm bored so call me if you know my number or chat with me online.

Until then,

I think I'll make jewelry and watch Heroes.

Inspired Frustration

A Non-Practicing Monk told me that I was born under the Sitting Buddha which means I must learn everything on my own and teach it to others. Nothing more true has ever been said to me. I'm often lonely, frustrated and seem to only learn through trials by fire but as a know it all, I doubt I will trade methods any time soon. It's my raging call-conviction-tumble at overcoming the flesh and finding a deeper sense of spirituality.
I wasn't quite ready for work today. I couldn't sleep at all last night and knew that I couldn't go into that crazy place without at least a couple of hours of dreams, you know? Jeanie doesn't remember dreams. His father often visits me in dreams-I think so that I can communicate things to him. Yes, him. Jeanie's father is terribly clueless to the whole cross dressing issue. Not Jeanie-"His name is Gene!" he says.
I rearranged my shelves. I found some empty frames and looked for suitable photographs. Looking back is never a good thing but there seems to be some sort of answer hidden in my memory pages and boxes-some missing puzzle piece of knowledge that I'm hoping to stumble upon.
I am feeling healthy and strong if maybe a little tired. I'm nearly ready to meet the challenges that await me. I've put on 20 pounds or more since I first felt ill more than a month ago. Not only do I have to get back to work but I have to get back to some resemblance of moderation and discipline. I don't hate myself for this-sometimes things become too much and I just have to sit and shut down and figure the whole thing out because I'm really sensitive. I can pick up bad energy-kind of like a flu of the soul so to speak? Has it been a flu of the soul or am I ready to move forward.
My old boss David found me on Facebook around noon today. For those of you that have befriended me on that medium can see a few new pics I finally got around to uploading. Ah but back to David. Maybe he wasn't a teacher but he took me places and was and IS one of the most influential people in my life. I gave him a ring and we spent three hours just hashing out where we've been and where we're going and I'm just so grateful and encouraged to get passionate and really fight for what I want in life instead of just wading it out and not really being comfortable in my skin much less my life.
Ah...and the crossdresser. Well, he wanted boundaries and I gave them to him and now it's too much "work" for him. I yelled at him for letting Sirena get on the couch after a bath and he stormed off to work the second half of his shift. I'm on the phone with the Scene Girl and he comes in storms to the "man room" with a case of beer and I guess he's looking for the answers to his rebellion in nine inch nails songs. I don't need the friction in my home. I really don't. You want me to treat you like a girl? Act like one. Don't back off into boy mode when you're pissed or whatever. So childish. I love Jeanie but he's being a pain. I try to talk him down but why? He's being a spoiled child I don't recognize right now. I'm sick of riding around on three wheels. I'm always trying to fix something. It makes me want to run away and start from scratch right now. Why wait? I'm broke down someplace off the highway anyways.
Fuck.....

Recovery on the Big Red Couch

On Friday, I had my gall bladder removed.
I have a few gallstones to prove it but I won't gross anyone out with pictures although there are a few that have gotten pics sent to their phones.  Jeanie was totally freaked out by the whole hospital scene and didn't want to see my cuts and bruises so it's funny that Cousin David picked up a nurse costume today.  I've spent most of my recovery time playing farkle and picking out a Halloween costume.  Jeanie thinks we should match but forget it.  That's too hard.  I found a really great naughty cop costume.  It's too much to resist.
I love Halloween.  It's my favorite holiday; always has been. I think for the rest of the month I'll blog about some of my favorite Halloweens and spooky experiences. 
Since I'm a B- in health, I'll go back to work tomorrow.  Not because I want to.  I have to.  I want to pay off the debts and kick back money.  My heart is still set on starting fresh in Virginia.  I miss the boys way too much and I'm just spinning silly circles at my job.  I've carved out a notch for myself but what good is it?  I'm always one pay check from broke and the benefits?
My insurance sucks.  How can I live in the wealthiest country in the world and find myself in a sales pitch over getting my gall bladder out?  What they didn't expect from your girl was a water work spectacle that would have put anyone down for the count.  I'm strong but I'm not afraid to pretend to be vulnerable to get things in motion.  They wanted 500.  They settled with 200 and a promise to make payments. The hospital can expect a spotchy check every month until they are paid off.  They pissed me off when some gal named Nadine called and said that while they are a non-profit hospital and I qualified for 90% off, I should bring in a check the day of my surgery to show them I was a good person.  I asked her why didn't I just bring in a kidney.
I'm a bottom feeder and that makes no sense to me.  I don't feel like one.  I get pissed and act like Rusty Dennis but I don't particularly act like one.  I'm kind and warm and passionate and yet-not quite getting where I want to be and that's where I am.  I'm tired of surviving.  I want to thrive and prosper and live to 100.  I want to leave a mark and for someone to remember me 500 years after I'm gone.  I've always felt that I had a grand purpose and maybe everyone thinks that but I'd like to prove myself right. 
It takes courage.
I'm not scared anymore.

Revisions

I went back to work yesterday.
It was fast and easy.  Maybe too easy.  The boss was so nice to me that it freaked me out.  Despite the fact I often feel overlooked and taken for granted I truly believe someone doesn't think I am and let him know so.  He's a spoiled child.  I don't believe for a second that he was that kind because he has a heart.  He even gave me the $100 for being top sales support in August.  It's two weeks late but it showed up.
Today I meet with the surgeon.  None of the women in my family have their gall bladders.   These days it's an out patient surgery.  I remember going to sit with Sadie at the hospital when she had hers out in the 80's.  Back then you were in the hospital for a few days so I'm sure she would tell me to be grateful. 
My last blog gave the impression I was looking to get all inked out.  I'm bit too far gone for that.  That's a 20 something behavior to me but a prize showed up in the mail that I cannot wait to try on.  I ordered some tattoo panty hose with the amazon gift card the boys gave me for my birthday.  I put my hand in one just to get a feel for the look and it's great.  A great illusion.  I have to make sure that the Scene Girl doesn't see them!  It's bad enough that the Crossdresser has.  She says  "I can't wait to take pictures in those!"  
And does she love pictures.  She especially loves to take pictures when I do her hair and make up.  She must have thousands of photos.  She takes all these photos and makes all of these videos without rhyme or reason and yet maybe one day she'll think to compile them and share them with others.  I think it would make a great tale.
Our girlfriend Manji came over Saturday night.  She finds our relationship curious and we try to answer the obvious questions.  Like her boyfriend made the assumption that Jeanie grew up without a father.  The fact is he grew up with a great dad and a stay at home mom and a house full of sisters and love.  I think the assumptions are there because crossdressers are so private and protected.  I often think that's part of the fun somehow when I would think it would be the opposite.  I know that when Jeanie and I first met he rarely dressed outside his apartment but I changed all of that.  I forced him out and then it became something he wanted to take further and further.  We've went out fully dressed to restaurants, clubs, shopping...there are still a few limits.  Gee is all guy at work and around my family though most know that he crossdresses. 
I've been dressing up and taking photos since 7th grade.  It never occured to me that all girls haven't experienced this but Manji has not so I didn't just dress up Jeanie this weekend but also got the chance to pull out a lot of diva in Manji.  I love drawing out someone's beauty with shading and color. 

I wish I had photos of Jeanie from this weekend but I didn't upload them on my laptop.