No Need To Stand Up, I Was Only Passing Through-Dylan

The news spread like a trailer house fire and my resignation came to everyone as a shock. My job was posted on the company web site and it's funny to see all of the people standing in line to take a place I'm grateful to be leaving.

Do you believe in cycles? My Mother was the first to believe in marks in time to ever speak of it to me. She believed that her joys and sorrows came in waves of 7 years. 7 good years, 7 bad years and so on. I wonder what wave she's riding now.

If you follow numerology, I have nine year cycles and I am coming upon a new one in 2010. I believe that the brutal nature of this last cycle causes a chariot like need to plow down my house and storm on. I've been selling and giving away everything. Letting go has a strange therapeutic smells-like- medicine effect on me. Take it away. Leave me a lone.

I'm deuling it out with some old bones and it's not surprising that I've taken a great deal out on Jeanie. We have sex in the hallway. "Fuck you." "No fuck you!" I can't tell you the last time I've had sex with someone other than myself. She's hairy and I'm bored. Last night I read her tarot cards. I never learned to read my own properly so I thought reading Jeanie's would give me a glimpse into my own future.

Great cards. Changes in fortune and fame. Opportunities through Friends and Family. I also saw an inheritance in March. I saw no pain so I told him that he and I would be together in the new year. Lots of travel and celebrations but no break ups.

She's a delicate flower. She's too far gone to ever turn back now. She is not the same person that I met in 2008. There is more moodiness and a need to not be told what to do. She can be defensive and withdrawn. I can be defensive and withdrawn. I need to paint my nails and color my hair and shop for shoes but that would require effort taken from other things that I must do before the end of the month.

In 2010 she will require more than me. She will meet new people that would become important to her. She will be more individual than she ever dreamed of.

I wanna go back to school. I wish she could support me while I did so. I think I'd like to be a sex therapist...or a probation officer. Same difference, right?

Too Far Gone

Hello Friends.
I woke up at 3 and at 7 I crawled into bed with the crossdresser.
It's a single but the only bed I haven't sold for my freedom.
Some may call it a move but I call things what they really are and I'm buying freedom.
Freedom and the logistics surrounding obtaining freedom is all I can think about.
With everything I sell I feel that much closer.
The house is much emptier and the single bed with a sleeping crossdresser was too cozy to resist crawling into. The pleasure of a crossdresser is sweeter and more divine than a mere mortals.
I could hear rain falling and thunder crashing and I fell into a teenage dream. I opened my back door and found a worn red dirt path that I felt feverishly led to someplace I needed to go. I got in my car but it was too narrow with passing trucks so I took off on a massive bicycle. The road was littered with people and I saw old friends that I had not seen in 20 years but they greeted me and made me smile as if we had never lost touch. Eventually the path led into a covered bridge that led into a restaurant where people were having chicken wings for breakfast and smoking madly. I realized that the path dead ended in the kitchen of this restaurant so I got off the bike only to realize my skimpy night gown was gathered around my middle and I was walking a bicycle in a crowded restaurant with my bare ass showing. It only bothered me for a moment and went back up the dirt path and spoke with young boy peddlers. I awoke before I made it back home.
My workplace feels strange and I don't care to spend much time there. I don't have much time left. I will be giving my notice next week and my last day will be new year's eve. I'm curious as to the reaction of my notice but it will make little difference. I'm too far gone to turn back now-sure that line is from a song but I don't know which one.

Pretty In Pink

This morning we held our first yard sale in hopes of getting rid of stuff.

We loaded tons of stuff on to the front lawn and there she was...pink sweatshirt, girl jeans, hair pulled back to show off dangle earrings, last night's make up and pink tennis shoes and nails to match. I watch with a non-judgemental eye at how rural people react. There is no reaction. Whether it's a yard sale or a trip to the grocery store, our community doesn't give up the lifetime movie drama you would expect. They are kind and cordial and are careful to keep it very non-gender. I can't say that it's equality but it's gotta mean something or at least it does to me.

The Scene Girl is with us this weekend. She knows we are moving to California and promises to visit in the summer. She is loving and supportive and says she is happy with her Daddy. It feels like I'm being pulled by an invisible force towards the unknown and I pray I'm doing the right things.

gratitude

I am grateful.

I have yet to go a day without love.

I know the kindness of the universe.

I got Jesus' word I will get into heaven even if he has to sneak me in through the kitchen entrance.

I have a free spirit and a generous style.

I got legs that own their own zip code.

My home is full of love and friends.

A lovely spread of food is on my table.

I am a dreamer.

What I can't dream I'll scheme into existence.

I have witnessed miracles.

I have experienced joy.

I came from humble beginnings.

I rose above all my karmic misgivings.

I have forgiveness for those who left me for dead.

I thank the angels who broke my fall everytime I lost my balance.

I choose to live out loud.

My life is never boring.

People still surprise me.

I look to the sky and find pink cotton candy and later I'll find stars.

I have kissed the face of God and remembered to lift one leg to my knee.

I taste like raspberries sweet loverly sweat.

I remember to laugh.

I am inspired.

I am destined for greatness.

I'm a little over a month from California.

My mind is as sharp as a fourth grader's pencil.

Dylan wrote songs about me before I was even born.

I felt the spirit of Elvis in the room beside the racquetball court at Graceland.

I once hung out with Janis Joplin in a dream.

I have been baptised in the sea of forgetfulness.

A friend is always a phone call around.

I am drenched in faith.

I get dry with fluffy towels and sleep on silk in the cradle of Jeanie's arms.

I make out with a girl and fuck a gorgeous rock god.

I have a face that begs for love. (Dylan said that)

I get around to everyplace I want to go on my own high-heeled feet.

I never stop learning.

I never stop growing.

I never stop being grateful.

California

Despite joining Blogger a month before the Crossdresser, Jeanie has 3 more followers than me.
We have different appeals, I suppose.
It still doesn't mean you should follow me already so I can prove I'm loved.
I do get more comments and emails.
Many of you have sent greetings concerning our move and a few curiosities.
Where are we moving?
San Diego.
In a way, I feel I've always known that's where I was going.
Do you get into numerology.
Well, according to numerology, I'm in a 9 year cycle that ends in 2010.
I didn't get to enjoy San Diego nearly long enough the last time.
I snuck out at dusk to return to my karma cycle.
As that cycle has come to a close, life has been interesting.
Not abundant in some ways and yet rich in others.
I am a lot smarter and cleaner.
I owned up to a lot.
I took a lot.
I feel I've paid my debt and can move on to a greater experience.
A few years back I lived in San Diego but it was just a soft place to land.
It was easy and I knew it couldn't last but it was an easy fit.
I dated alot and made good friends I still talk to.
Now is a perfect time to lay new claim to happiness.
In a way, I'm terrified.
Nobody is going to hire me over the phone so I have to go without employment.
In the same way it's very exciting.
I'm liquidating everything I own for a shot to be where I wanna be and seek out my future.
You have to applaud me for sheer nerve.
That and I'm sick of being beat up and watching others take their licks at my job.
I'm trying to be very non-violent and yet inside I'm raging.
HOW DARE THEY LOSE THEIR HUMANITY AND LET THE MONSTERS LOOSE?!!!!
I can't act out.
I have to glide out gracefully though I will have to unclinch my fists and cover my mouth.
Jeanie is the good pet and says she'll follow me anywhere.
I found a trans support group in our new neighborhood (hillcrest...where else would we live?)
I think Jeanie is a lot more real and honest about herself than most.
Maybe she can be an inspiration to others.
She's been talking about another crossdresser.
I know that she longs to have a friend.
Most of our friend are beautiful gay boys and one gender girl.
No one to relate to.
Though my crossdresser has plenty of novelty.
We've talked about Jeanie trying to find employment as a girl.
If you can't try in California, where can you try?
It's a new start and my girl would be so happy to throw away all of her male clothes.
I love her so much that it makes little difference to me.
She's too far gone to ever turn back.
I'll never see her as a male.
If I want that, I'll have to look elsewhere.
Sometimes I do.
Just in thought so far.
Sometimes a girl likes the thought of a 70s porno vanilla straight sexuls afternoon.
I think I'll chase the girl in the pink dress now....

Financing A Dream

After Halloween, Joy snuck out my bedroom window.
She was starved half to death and maybe she could sneak in bed with the neighbors.
It would have to be somewhere close or she'd be found dead by the waste side.
I had broken up with nearly every lovely thing I've known.
I even questioned if I would be a Crossdresser's Girlfriend for much longer.
My job is a soul slayer and I won't survive there.
I certainly won't thrive.
I can give up and conform to the discomfort.
Only I can't.
I don't know how to give out.
My only option is to clear out and move on.
In these instances, I always come to a crossroad of options.
The Devil's Crossroads?
Perhaps.
I'll have single strand regrets no matter what I choose.
I'm okay with that.
At least I'll be gone.
I won't have an audience whether I fly or fall.
I hope you read of it in the paper.
Both current options revolve around my beloveds.
Cousin David and Mark say they will make me happy.
I have no doubt they would but what about Jeanie?
I don't think they love him enough to not come between us.
And besides.
Virginia is their destination.
I don't want to be a bystandard in my own story.
And then it occurs to me that a full circle is in order.
I will go to where I was before here.
I loved it there.
She's a long legged woman of a place and it's like God french kissed every inch of her.
So it is decided.
And it is so.
But when?
My last day of work will be on Elvis' birthday (January 8).
I will leave the day before my Momma's birthday (January 11).
Last minute plans are rarely thought out well but that gives them foolish luck.
Last minute plans don't give a lot of time to sort out money.
The most I can save by January is 3 grand.
I think of a U Haul.
U Hauls aren't romantic. Just that human need to drag things around.
Change with the same old stuff around to comfort you.
I don't need any of it.
So it's decided.
I'd rather have a lot of cash than a lot of stuff.
I want to grow money not boxes.
I want a fresh start with fresh money.
Stuff will show back up.
And all this thinking makes my heart pound and my blood flow.
Joy decided she didn't like the neighbors and came on home.
I made her a pan of brownies and she promised to never leave again if I let her get her nose pierced.
I feel a confidence.
I suddenly have piece of mind in giving up everything I own for the chance at peace of mind.
It would so be worth it.

Haunted

Lately, we've noticed peculiar things.
A candle that had been sitting on the TV for days, flew off and landed on the floor two feet away while a friend and I were having a chat on the couch.
Our dog communicates with thin air and alerts us to it's presence.
In Virginia, I acquired a very strange ceramic piece painted in 1978 by a Jenny Coates.
I named him Richard.
He wears a red robe trimmed in green and rocks a long goatee. There is a goat's head strung on string around his neck, a money pouch around his waist, and a dagger in his right hand. He's evil for sure but I'm not sure why this woman painted him in ceramics class or where she would have found a mold for this particular guy. He's got a certain energy and I wanted him immediately and Cousin David had no choice but give him to me. I wanted to put him with my Geishas but he's too tall for the chef. He sits on a corner shelf overlooking the room.
My kitchen is trashed. Adam decided to make yummy pumpkin pecan chocolate chip cookies. I reminded Jeanie of the rule. I don't have many rules but the kitchen must always be clean before bed. I can't stand to wake up to a mess. Tonight she is feisty and flirty and has had way too much too drink. I promise I will bind and gag you and leave you with a water dish in the bathroom all day if I wake up to a mess. She laughs and says I'm a tease.
And yet, there she is tidying up like a regular house mop.
I experienced a disappointment this week; one I share with no one. A heavy cloud of discontent sat over me. And yet I survived. And yet I thrived. Friends called. Loved ones came by. A young guy at work hands me a book and said he thought I would like it. It was written by a Buddhist Monk I quite admire. I have read his work but not this particular book and I was touched that this quiet boy had honored me in such a way. I snuck off to a Chinese buffet and read the forward by the Dalai Lama. A precious gift.
I bought myself a vintage silver ring with a moonstone as it's center piece. Moons ago I had a moonstone necklace and I had the most curious adventures when I wore it. People seemed to be especially drawn to me and I made friends of strangers quite easily. I lost it somewhere between California and North Carolina. I lost a lot of things crossing the country and wrote letters in the backs of many bibles. I received emails from those who read my letters for quite a few years after those words were written. I wondered if they tore them out or just wrote my email address down so others could discover me in New Mexico, Nebraska, Louisiana, and Kentucky.
Adam gave me an obscure Marilyn Monroe movie on DVD.
I worked hard and worked hard at forgetting about it in the evenings. A few nights I can't remember going to bed.
The Crossdresser asked why I wasn't feeling sexy lately.
I don't know the answer to that one.
I'm just not?
I would just like to make other things.
Plans. Dreams. Flights to far away places.
A ride on a train in large sunglasses and leather gloves and big red lips.
Life is beautiful even when its not.
When you don't get what you wanted more than anything.
When you got all that you ever need.

STRAIGHT

I love having morning coffee with Cousin David. Even a morning without coffee because SOMEBODY forgot to buy creamer with a phone call from Cousin David is good.

This morning, he told me about a conversation with his sister. His sister told of how a few of her husbands relatives got drunk and admitted visiting a trio of transsexuals from time to time. His sister immediately saying that she knew they were gay. Dave told her that's not necessarily true. I said it was absolutely not true. I know a few transsexuals who are more feminine than David's sister though we are almost identical and she could be really diva if she wanted but it's not a matter of genes but laziness.

Sexual preference isn't nearly as simple as Stephanie believes it to be. She hasn't been exposed to as much sexuality as Cousin David and I. Straights tend to keep their business in glass jars inside their heads and rarely break them out with honesty. Otherwise, they wouldn't be straights anymore would they?

Yeah, I'm with a guy but that doesn't make me a straight. I gave up on straights years ago and gave up their teachings soon after. If I'm with a guy but he looks, loves and walks it like a girl, how does that make me straight?

Get Behind Me Satan

Mandy is the only gender girl I can take for more than 15 minutes at a time. Taking her along on a sticky sweet candy corn weekend as absolutely the best! I came up with the halo of Christmas star tinsel was my idea. I'm a pretty smart girl.

Except when I'm not.

Our goal was to take loads of pictures with Michael Jacksons but we mostly took pictures of Mandy kissing gay boys. She is an excellent gay boy kisser.

At the after hours club I locked eyes with a very tall drag of a girl standing in the doorway. I later found him sitting by himself so I grabbed his hand and took him upstairs to read his tarot cards. We sat on that couch and I twirled locks of his wig around my finger. He's not trans. I don't think he's even a cross dresser. I really think it was just a costume. I think a crossdresser's girlfriend would know.

The experience left me a little side ways. I miss men. I miss their smell and the silly way they try to charm you. The roar. The thunder. A Lion not a Lamb even if the Lion was sitting there in bad drag.

The powerful dominance of his presence was warm and pleasing. Our flirty conversation oozed with testosterone and I realized I miss that.

I don't know what to do about it.

I guess I'm lucky the night ended quickly and I'll probably never see him again.

Even if I want to a little.

Jeanie dressed the entire weekend and as provocatively as possible. People gaped and stared. She looked like a hooker. We couldn't get her to change. She takes off her makeup and nail polish for work but that's it. She is full female-venturing out without a thought. Our sex is so lesbian and his penis feels strapped on. She really is a girl. I rarely ever see that obnoxious boy anymore and that's a little sad.

I don't know if I'm special enough for this. While I can't imagine being happy in an ordinary guy girl relationship, I can't quite imagine never being attracted to a man again.

Oh, what to do!

I know what I shouldn't do.

Maybe I'm being tested.

Vanity

A Witch and her pet

A witch and her pet.

Can't you love on that all day long?

I can.

Of course I can.

Halloween was an absolute blast!

Our friends Mandy and Hakim joined us on a road trip to Cousin David and Mark's in Virginia. Downtown Richmond was jumping with freaks and we fit right in!

While I Fade Into a Deeper Shade of Red

There's a few things I can't stand.

Chipped nail polish

Fake gold jewelry.

White dress shoes.

Roots.

I think it all comes from riding on the school bus.

I couldn't stand my brown roots for another second and grabbed a red box on the way home.

This one came with color booster so it went on like blood.

Jeanie watched and asked questions.

Jeanie is big on questions though she retains so little of what I explain to her.

Lots of things are going through my head.

I tell her that I want to cut my hair.

I wanna go with a more professional look.

I have an interview with a government agency in Virginia next Monday.

This is so exciting that what I've been on about for over a month is coming to pass.

There is power in our thoughts and words.

Have no doubts about it.

I am not sure what I'll tell my boss to explain my absence.

Work is dreadfully slow for me.

Now that Human Resources is actually being Human Resources there is less for me to do but the need for money is still there so I press on and pretend to be busy even when I'm not.

Saturday I submitted my resume and all the needed forms and was up until wee hours.

Sunday I was lazy.

While Jeanie was at work I laid in bed and watched movies on Netflix from my lap top.

I tend to go for independents and documentaries.

I found one called Creature.

It's about a transgender male-to-female from my home state who went to California to be her true self.

A lot of it is hard to watch.

You fall in love with her and you so desperately want to take care of her because nobody seems to. I love the reunion with her baptist backwater parents when she comes home totally transformed and they love her just the same. Totally beautiful.

Afterwards I googled her. I wanted to see what she had been up to since 1999.

The documentary ends with a note that she had given up working at the club and was taking classes.

Sadly, I found out she took on the name Barbie Woods and has done a lot of porn as a she-male. I want to believe she did it so she could have the surgery she wanted but I doubt it. Money made in that way is rarely kept.

I fanned her on facebook hoping to get a happily but some stories are just doomed to end badly. Of course, I admire her for refusing to live as a boy even part-time. Perhaps prostitution and porn is better than denying your true self. And it made me think about Jeanie who dresses almost exclusively as a female except when she works. Does she want to move forward? I ask and she says what she really wants is electrolysis which would making dressing so much easier. I ask her about breasts and eventually between the legs but she doesn't show much interest in going that far.

Once, I thought this was something I didn't want. Once I thought that I wanted her to be both forever but not so much. The longer I love Jeanie, the more I know that it's not about flesh. I want her to be happy and I would never deny her what would truly make her happy.

I flop like a fish in wondering if Jeanie is a crossdresser or is Jeanie a transsexual. I don't know any more than I know if I am straight or if I am a lesbian.

Everyday, there is hope that I will come closer to knowing the truth.

Pedals

I ordered my Halloween costume yesterday.

It was not the one I originally picked out.

The one I really wanted to wear was a naughty cop get up but that was before my defining moment. I will tell you about the defining moment but I don't really feel like having any discussion on it. I'll just share. So it was my first week back at work. I'm racing around the sales floor and I am stopped by a coworker from another department. They use our conference room for active living classes. She stops me with squeals, hands over her mouth and starts congratulating me. I tried to shut the bitch down. I couldn't.

Everyone assured me that I don't look pregnant. Maybe it was the baby doll dress I had on. Maybe it was because I had taken off my heels and put on house shoes so I could climb about the office putting up Halloween decorations. Maybe it was because the bitch had left her husband, pierced her nose and had lost 30 pounds and just wanted to feel better about herself.

It doesn't matter. It was my defining moment. It was time to get real and the truth is I put on 20 pounds while I was sick. 20 pounds on an already thick frame would make me look pregnant in a baby doll dress I suppose. I immediately called my doctor and squeezed a prescription for fat girl pills out of him. He had ragged me about losing weight anyway. One of my boys gave me an exercise bike I have in my living room. I eat very little and never after 3 pm.

So if any of you for one minute think you are the only ones who are uncomfortable in your own skin, you would be so wrong. I have to go around feeling like I look pregnant while I live with a boy in a dress who looks more like a runway model than some real runway models. Jeanie is divine and I want to slap her when she wants to diet with me. Silly girl. You're gorgeous. Go have a sandwich, already! You don't have to live this. Only I do.

I'm down seven pounds but I am too self conscious for the cop costume. I went with something that even Liz Taylor could pull off. I'll look great but not nearly as sexy had I lived in denial of my weight gain. Part of me doesn't even want to do Halloween but it's my favorite holiday and I can't imagine making Jeanie sit at home with me.

My Mandy and our friend Lady Saigon are joining Jeanie and I on a road trip to Virginia to celebrate Halloween with the Boys. Since their move, our social group has dis banned and no one is having any parties here so we're having one of our own.

This week I learned that two coworkers of mine are in transgender relationships-just backwards from mine. Their mates are so passable; I would almost think they were gender males. They have it much easier. I don't have to talk to them to know that. I only have to see them out all the time to know it. Jeanie is out and proud but is still extra careful to make sure he left no signs of mascara or nail polish before he goes to work. Of course to my coworkers they are just lesbians but I'm sorry. You're hiding your breasts and looking like hot high school boys isn't just because you dig on girls.

In a way, this gives me hope that in the years to come, people will be free to be exactly who they are whenever they feel the need to be. That's a beautiful thing.

I'm off to ride my bike to nowhere but I'll pretend I'm going to Michigan Avenue.

The Magician's Assistant

I got up this morning with every intention of going to work. I showered. I sat in front of my vanity and painted my face like I've done a million times but after I dried my hair upside down and pulled on panties and high heels and just you're typical office girl getting ready stuff, I felt like that chick the magician saws in half. Jeanie asked why I bothered. Ironically, I requested the first week in October off three months ago. It was approved so technically, I don't have to go back to work until Monday. I wanted to just because this whole thing has really eaten up my paid time off but Jeanie works and we don't have any bills except household expenses. I know the medical bills will be showing up soon but Fiddle Dee Dee and Scarlett O'Hara to all of that. Today I'm sore and just can't go around in heels all day. I need to make myself well-completely so.

I think yesterday was an off day for a lot of people reading the blogs that I read. I read more than I comment on which is something I thought I would never do but it's fact pure and simple. Some are harder to read than others and I think that's because it skirts around the hips of my own issues. Jeanie and I fought terribly last night. There wasn't absolute ounce of understanding between us. I wasn't getting him and he wasn't getting me and for pure distraction we made passionate love until we passed out. Actually, I had to get up. Lately, sex regenerates me instead of the usual roll over and cuddle me thing.

I am not sure we are any further along in making peace despite the making love thing. Jeanie woke up in cranky boy mode cringing with irritability and dripping with discontent. I couldn't get him to talk. Last night, he had plenty to say. He even played this song from NIN (ringfinger I think) about being like my Jesus and some such nonsense and screaming that I never want to hear negativity which makes it impossible for him to release what haunts his tragic transgender soul.

Oh Bother.

Good Grippy Grief.

The funny thing? I can trace all of this back to an off-hand remark I made about this guy.

I've had a hollywood crush on him since we spent a summer in Chicago together. Okay-he was with Jennifer Aniston and I was with Rich Ray but humor me and go along with it. While flipping channels on the flipping tv I found a dancing Vince Vaughn in that Christmas flick. I will watch said flick just to watch Vince Vaughn dance with elves I think he's so hot. So, I say what maybe should have stayed in my head but was something..oh...along the lines of....."He's so tall and gorgeous! I just wanna sit on top of him and twirl!!!!"

Jeanie immediately questioned this saying "How can you be attracted to him when he's so masculine?" Jeanie is so unjealous. I can kiss gay boys and I've told him flat out that I wish I could be a female polygamist and just have a house full of crossdressers to tickle and love and squeeze and call my very own and he's totally suspiciously okay with that.

We are not swingers or anything gross like that but he allows me to act out some of my fantasies and seems to understand that it's not really in my nature to believe I am only supposed to love one person. I'm completely commited to Jeanie but I think there are others that need my love too and one day I will meet them and give them what they need for however long that is.

Jeanie's whole day went to shit after that. He just could not believe that I still dig on masculine men but that's just me and noone will ever talk me out of Vince Vaughn not that I'd ever want to keep him. Men are trouble and alot of work and they want you to make them sandwiches and never like the same tv shows that you do. They fall dead after orgasm and forget to even care if your back has arched or not.

So the Vince remark was made and he turned into a boy and said things like he didn't know if he was man enough for me and was scared that I didn't want him anymore and bought beer and pouted and didn't want to do anything but fight with me. Yuck.

I spoke with him a moment ago and he sounds better. More like a crossdresser. Less like an asshole.

We'll see.

In other news-I've lost three pounds since last week.

I'm bored so call me if you know my number or chat with me online.

Until then,

I think I'll make jewelry and watch Heroes.

Inspired Frustration

A Non-Practicing Monk told me that I was born under the Sitting Buddha which means I must learn everything on my own and teach it to others. Nothing more true has ever been said to me. I'm often lonely, frustrated and seem to only learn through trials by fire but as a know it all, I doubt I will trade methods any time soon. It's my raging call-conviction-tumble at overcoming the flesh and finding a deeper sense of spirituality.
I wasn't quite ready for work today. I couldn't sleep at all last night and knew that I couldn't go into that crazy place without at least a couple of hours of dreams, you know? Jeanie doesn't remember dreams. His father often visits me in dreams-I think so that I can communicate things to him. Yes, him. Jeanie's father is terribly clueless to the whole cross dressing issue. Not Jeanie-"His name is Gene!" he says.
I rearranged my shelves. I found some empty frames and looked for suitable photographs. Looking back is never a good thing but there seems to be some sort of answer hidden in my memory pages and boxes-some missing puzzle piece of knowledge that I'm hoping to stumble upon.
I am feeling healthy and strong if maybe a little tired. I'm nearly ready to meet the challenges that await me. I've put on 20 pounds or more since I first felt ill more than a month ago. Not only do I have to get back to work but I have to get back to some resemblance of moderation and discipline. I don't hate myself for this-sometimes things become too much and I just have to sit and shut down and figure the whole thing out because I'm really sensitive. I can pick up bad energy-kind of like a flu of the soul so to speak? Has it been a flu of the soul or am I ready to move forward.
My old boss David found me on Facebook around noon today. For those of you that have befriended me on that medium can see a few new pics I finally got around to uploading. Ah but back to David. Maybe he wasn't a teacher but he took me places and was and IS one of the most influential people in my life. I gave him a ring and we spent three hours just hashing out where we've been and where we're going and I'm just so grateful and encouraged to get passionate and really fight for what I want in life instead of just wading it out and not really being comfortable in my skin much less my life.
Ah...and the crossdresser. Well, he wanted boundaries and I gave them to him and now it's too much "work" for him. I yelled at him for letting Sirena get on the couch after a bath and he stormed off to work the second half of his shift. I'm on the phone with the Scene Girl and he comes in storms to the "man room" with a case of beer and I guess he's looking for the answers to his rebellion in nine inch nails songs. I don't need the friction in my home. I really don't. You want me to treat you like a girl? Act like one. Don't back off into boy mode when you're pissed or whatever. So childish. I love Jeanie but he's being a pain. I try to talk him down but why? He's being a spoiled child I don't recognize right now. I'm sick of riding around on three wheels. I'm always trying to fix something. It makes me want to run away and start from scratch right now. Why wait? I'm broke down someplace off the highway anyways.
Fuck.....

Recovery on the Big Red Couch

On Friday, I had my gall bladder removed.
I have a few gallstones to prove it but I won't gross anyone out with pictures although there are a few that have gotten pics sent to their phones.  Jeanie was totally freaked out by the whole hospital scene and didn't want to see my cuts and bruises so it's funny that Cousin David picked up a nurse costume today.  I've spent most of my recovery time playing farkle and picking out a Halloween costume.  Jeanie thinks we should match but forget it.  That's too hard.  I found a really great naughty cop costume.  It's too much to resist.
I love Halloween.  It's my favorite holiday; always has been. I think for the rest of the month I'll blog about some of my favorite Halloweens and spooky experiences. 
Since I'm a B- in health, I'll go back to work tomorrow.  Not because I want to.  I have to.  I want to pay off the debts and kick back money.  My heart is still set on starting fresh in Virginia.  I miss the boys way too much and I'm just spinning silly circles at my job.  I've carved out a notch for myself but what good is it?  I'm always one pay check from broke and the benefits?
My insurance sucks.  How can I live in the wealthiest country in the world and find myself in a sales pitch over getting my gall bladder out?  What they didn't expect from your girl was a water work spectacle that would have put anyone down for the count.  I'm strong but I'm not afraid to pretend to be vulnerable to get things in motion.  They wanted 500.  They settled with 200 and a promise to make payments. The hospital can expect a spotchy check every month until they are paid off.  They pissed me off when some gal named Nadine called and said that while they are a non-profit hospital and I qualified for 90% off, I should bring in a check the day of my surgery to show them I was a good person.  I asked her why didn't I just bring in a kidney.
I'm a bottom feeder and that makes no sense to me.  I don't feel like one.  I get pissed and act like Rusty Dennis but I don't particularly act like one.  I'm kind and warm and passionate and yet-not quite getting where I want to be and that's where I am.  I'm tired of surviving.  I want to thrive and prosper and live to 100.  I want to leave a mark and for someone to remember me 500 years after I'm gone.  I've always felt that I had a grand purpose and maybe everyone thinks that but I'd like to prove myself right. 
It takes courage.
I'm not scared anymore.

Revisions

I went back to work yesterday.
It was fast and easy.  Maybe too easy.  The boss was so nice to me that it freaked me out.  Despite the fact I often feel overlooked and taken for granted I truly believe someone doesn't think I am and let him know so.  He's a spoiled child.  I don't believe for a second that he was that kind because he has a heart.  He even gave me the $100 for being top sales support in August.  It's two weeks late but it showed up.
Today I meet with the surgeon.  None of the women in my family have their gall bladders.   These days it's an out patient surgery.  I remember going to sit with Sadie at the hospital when she had hers out in the 80's.  Back then you were in the hospital for a few days so I'm sure she would tell me to be grateful. 
My last blog gave the impression I was looking to get all inked out.  I'm bit too far gone for that.  That's a 20 something behavior to me but a prize showed up in the mail that I cannot wait to try on.  I ordered some tattoo panty hose with the amazon gift card the boys gave me for my birthday.  I put my hand in one just to get a feel for the look and it's great.  A great illusion.  I have to make sure that the Scene Girl doesn't see them!  It's bad enough that the Crossdresser has.  She says  "I can't wait to take pictures in those!"  
And does she love pictures.  She especially loves to take pictures when I do her hair and make up.  She must have thousands of photos.  She takes all these photos and makes all of these videos without rhyme or reason and yet maybe one day she'll think to compile them and share them with others.  I think it would make a great tale.
Our girlfriend Manji came over Saturday night.  She finds our relationship curious and we try to answer the obvious questions.  Like her boyfriend made the assumption that Jeanie grew up without a father.  The fact is he grew up with a great dad and a stay at home mom and a house full of sisters and love.  I think the assumptions are there because crossdressers are so private and protected.  I often think that's part of the fun somehow when I would think it would be the opposite.  I know that when Jeanie and I first met he rarely dressed outside his apartment but I changed all of that.  I forced him out and then it became something he wanted to take further and further.  We've went out fully dressed to restaurants, clubs, shopping...there are still a few limits.  Gee is all guy at work and around my family though most know that he crossdresses. 
I've been dressing up and taking photos since 7th grade.  It never occured to me that all girls haven't experienced this but Manji has not so I didn't just dress up Jeanie this weekend but also got the chance to pull out a lot of diva in Manji.  I love drawing out someone's beauty with shading and color. 

I wish I had photos of Jeanie from this weekend but I didn't upload them on my laptop. 

Coloring outside of the Lines

When I grow up, I wanna be a suicide girl. Last night, the Crossdresser and I watched The First Tour. I was so turned on and inspired at the same time. What gorgeous creatures! I love the unapologetic nature of their sexuality. As it would could should be. I had no choice but to order myself a couple of wigs including a blue one. When I was a little girl, I always colored barbie's hair blue in the coloring books. I wish I had asked why. I just thought it was pretty. It is pretty.

I called Cousin David and Mark this morning. Our friend George is visiting. They are hitting Gay Pride and late they plan to see Percy Sledge. My Daddy sent word to them that they shouldn't get excited until he makes it on stage. He paid nice money to see him sing in the 70s and he was too drunk to be worth the trip there.

Mark got on the phone and asked if I was really going to move in with them. I told him yes. He said my room would be across the hall from his. He's a silly sweet thing who likes to remind me that he'll do and say anything while on ambien. He tried to like girls until one almost came in front of him which he found extremely traumatising. I think he should have found it traumatising that he was already engaged and had YET to see her cum. He said that my resume received a good response from Human Resources at his Government Job. I told him I had kick ass skills. He said "Yeah. That's what they thought at Popeye's. I put you in for a Chicken Fry Job." I'm going to mail him a pair of dirty panties for that one.

I feel free in thought and clear in vision for the first time in a long time. Our only limits are the ones that we set for ourselves and I refuse to have those anymore. Jeanie says I should return to work and act as a Super Hero-flying into the President's office and demanding change for the spotty ants on the ground. It doesn't take a sparkly word from Gorgeous Girl to know that this is divine and true for me. I cannot go without speaking out for those without voice. It might help. It might not. I will do what I feel to be fair and honorable.

Today I won't think about it. I will think of feeling better. I will shop for fruit and wine and other things crossdressers can devour. Later we might go out for dinner with her boss. She'll wear boy clothes but even then she just looks like a tomgirl. I see the girl even when the girl isn't trying. I should resent the fact that as a straight woman, I will never be attracted to men again but instead I just feel completely loved.

Hometown Angst

When I'm confused about my direction, I always go thumbing a ride to Childhood drive. I truly believe that we are born knowing and our true sense of direction is known more at four than at forty. I don't think that four year old would be entirely disappointed in me. I've done a lot of cool things that mirrored my childhood games. In those games, I was always going to far away places I read about in books and heard about on Sadie's "Program" (also known as All My Children).

I spent years in far away places like Chicago, San Diego, Washington DC, and such. My roots and accent were never lost but my wings became less strong. I suffered a breaking of the heart and a little girl asked to have both her parents in one silly place and I gave into that. Selflessness is important and now that same child has chosen to live with the other parent. Last night Cousin David reminded me that I told her once that if she ever left that I was "so out of here!!!" And I am. I'm done with North InACarol.

My lessons are learned here and I'm leaving without a debt. All of my bills are living expenses. There is absolutely nothing holding me back except myself. The Crossdresser says she would follow me anywhere and she's the only one I owe anything to.

I miss the Boys a lot. Cousin David and Mark have expressed their desire for me to start fresh with them in Richmond, Virginia and this is my new goal. I have to get this surgery out of the way. We'll give notice, find boxes and start fresh.

It's decided.

Lorcet

Last week I turned 37.
I spent the day on my red couch crunching lorcets.
That food poisoning wasn't food poisoning. I have a contracted gall bladder with multiple stones that's just dying to come out. I meet with a surgeon on the 29th. My younger sister got rid of her gall bladder out at 30 so it's not really an age thing and yet the whole ordeal makes me feel so old. I am all bloated, crampy and tired in my high heel shoes with the taste of death in my mouth. Everytime it comes about it scares me. What if it's more than a bad gall bladder?
The other day I was in Walmart and I saw myself in my favorite shorts and pink Cadillac t-shirt shopping. My hair was in a bad pony tail and there I was pushing a cart around the baby section. I've seen myself on the road before-in cars I used to own or will own one day but never out shopping looking like I don't care. I disappeared around an aisle looking for dog food and I didn't chase myself for answers. As I read over this paragraph I realize I might not explain this as a time warp but rather as losing my mind.
And if I do lose my mind, it's surely to be expected. I used to kick ass at work. I felt good about what I did and how I did it but now I just want out. I even went as far as to march into Human Resources and submit my two week notice but they wouldn't accept it. An evil has entered my department and has the black girls anointing themselves with oil and calling on Jesus. I'm supposed to bring in more people and I see them all desperate for a job. They come in wearing their best clothes and tarnished smiles and I want to help them out. Instead they sit there for hours waiting for Evil to judge them and maybe he'll put them to work but any money will go to his paycheck while they will work 6 days a week chasing a check that will never be what was promised. It's the millennium cubical chain gang and I hate it. I'm too old for this. I don't want to answer for it when Jesus shows up for the black girls.
I told Human Resources that it plays with my humanity and they probably did me a short term favor. I need the health insurance but I promise I will leave when they remove my diseased parts and prove that I wont die but ugly away like the people before me have. I miss feeling good about what I do. I miss making a difference for someone instead of giving them the keys to the same chains of regrets I have around my fat ankles.
May our burdens bring us wings and may I shit on their cars as I fly away.

Rambling upon Rambling

In the rain forests of South America, or the remaining unspoiled lands of Africa, all have reverential positions for the transsexuals that are born to them. In such societies, Transsexuals are considered magical, kin to the gods or spirits, and possessed of shamanic powers.

I often make reference to the Crossdresser resembling Jesus but it's not just physical. The Crossdresser is a true embodiment of all that I know to be pure and God like. The Crossdresser is a manifestation of my prayers from my earliest times.

A few months ago, my daughter left me for another parent. I put it this way and everyone laughs but my whole identity was shattered when she told me that she wanted to be in her Father's world not mine. For fourteen years, I was a mother and she was my fiercely top priority. Jeanie felt it was because of his crossdressing. We both fell prey to the notion that dressing should only be done when The Scene Girl wasn't around but it didn't matter. Not really. She chose to leave anyway. I raised her to be independent and free thinking. Did I truly believe she wouldn't try those wings out?

She spent the weekend and the tension was great. She always finds fault in Jeanie where I can find none but the negativity is smuggled into my being just the same. I strive to love them both at the same time but someone is always neglected. It's like trying to make it rain and build a fire at the same time.

I took the Scene Girl back to her new found home. It's not surprising that soon after returning to my home, I fell ill. I shook with a fever and my body soon became foreign with demon like vomiting and convulsion. I saw blue spots everywhere and fell in and out of consciousness with my eyes wide open. Jeanie and the Doggess hovered around me and I would shoo them away. I didn't want them to experience this dark funk illness. There were moments where I thought it would not end. My body was not my own and I thought I might be preparing to leave it for good. It was when I let go of my urge to cling to my being that I came back into my own.

I had to call in sick. This was once a pleasant thing. This was when I felt secure that my hard work and effort allowed for moments of down time. These days I am not secure nor is my hard work and effort revered. A lone gunman with a little boy pout has polluted my work space with contempt and greed. Suddenly he is the only one who counts and I know this cannot continue. I have known enemies and I have learned from them. I always learn from them. Historically, I only deal with them in three month windows. Like a season only to reap a harvest afterwards and once again feel peace.

This time, I wonder if I will be the one to walk or will he. Either way, I know that one of us will and I am ready to prepare for departure. Perhaps it's time to go. I am not thrilled to be in the presence of someone who makes me feel I can be disposed of for missing one day of work. I know that this is in part due to my own sense of responsibility but it doesn't excuse it as being right.

Where will I go? What will I do? The economy screams for us to stay in one place but perhaps it is like my demon illness. Maybe if I let go of my fear, my fears will give way to something more substantial. I hate writing my resume. I've been working on it for over a week.

I look to Jeanie. Jeanie is true to herself and life leans in her favor. What would my life be if I gave into my true self rather than true insecurities? Often I feel I am not true to anything. I am acting, pretending, and choosing my battles a little too wisely?

The hour is lurking with only an eye open. I am filled with dread at returning to work. I think to call a coworker to learn what is awaiting me. I feel weak. Often others turn to me for solace and I wish I had someone to turn to in that way. I long for a brand new opportunity that would welcome my gifts.

They say that today is auspicious: 9-09-09. Today would have been my Sweet Sadie Jane Simpson Ashworth's 98th birthday and I miss her so. Perhaps I'll pour coffee into her navy coffee cup and call on Cousin David to help me remember her.

The Tallest Woman I'd Ever Seen

On September 3, my Nanna has cataract surgery. I've taken the day off in hopes I can help her be comfortable. I think I might take the opportunity to tell her about The Crossdresser. She knows him. Of course she knows him. She makes it a point to call him by his given name every chance she can and my heart swells every time. She says it with a wonderful reverence. It was her brother's name, the one who died when he was only 20.

Nanna was the one who told me that there were men who liked to wear dresses in the first place. I was eight years old. Nanna opened a sewing and alteration business when I was a baby. Her Mother was bed ridden and sewing was a way that they spent time together. The business did well and customers came from as far as Raleigh for her expertise with a needle and thread. In the back of her shop, she set up a magical room for my sister and I with our own sewing machines, boxes full of dress up clothes from the 40s as well as wigs from old aunties. I learned to runway in heels in that shop.

One Saturday afternoon, a large woman came in with bolts of shiny material for glamorous evening gowns. After she left, I told Nanna that she was the tallest woman I had ever seen! Nanna said she didn't think her customer was a woman in any kind of traditional sense. The customer called a month later and said her brother would be picking up the dresses. The same luxury car pulled up but a man in a suit picked up the dresses after inspecting them with incredible knowledge of dresses. He gave my Nanna a $100 tip and said his sister would be so pleased. Many large ladies showed up after that wanting fabulous dresses of their own.

Nanna never looked upon this as strange or wrong. People are as different as the dresses she made. I have always respected Nanna for respecting people for their individuality and yet, she is probably the only person in my family who is not aware of this special attribute in my Soul Mate which is kind of strange since she probably knows more Crossdressers than anyone in my family.

I have never wished that Jeanie would have showed up earlier. I am aware that my life was filled with many lessons and experiences that would later prepare me for being a Crossdresser's girlfriend.

Love is never late.

Love is always right on time.

I'm a better person for being a Crossdresser's girlfriend.

In ways, I feel I've outgrown current circumstance and long to live bolder and brighter than I ever could have before Jeanie.

I'm just waiting for that psychedelic school bus to arrive at the corner to take me to the next fantastic destination.

I long for positive change.

For me.

For you.

I'm Not Above Bitch-Slapping a Drag Queen

When I wrote my last blog, I didn't realize I was angry.

It felt like a flesh wound, but obviously it went much deeper.

I was angry, but what has had me tiffed was not mentioned in the blog at all.

Friday Night, I watched my Crossdresser experience discrimination for the first time.

I should tell you that I fell in love with Gee as Jeanie: This far-away Crossdresser who expressed her inner Diva in You Tube Videos I found when I searched "Crossdresser Girlfriend". I was dating another Crossdresser at the time and was searching out a mirror of sorts. What I found was my Soul Mate and I watched their story expressed in about two hours worth of videos. I didn't know this was what I was watching at the time. I only knew I was fascinated and quite envious of the girlfriend who appeared in some of the videos. I was envious AND critical. I could feel that she was uncomfortable in her participation. It wasn't a good fit for her and I pitied Jeanie for not having more support.

A couple of days later I ran into Jeanie's myspace page through JeniferX, another youtube crossdressing great. When I added Jeanie, she sent a comment and we began emailing one another with sweet abandon of all the rules of communication between strangers. I learned that Jeanie and the girlfriend had broken up months before. I was intrigued and attracted but no one could have told me that it could be anything more than that. Jeanie was all the way in New York and I couldn't imagine that she would ever be happy in the south.

For the most part, I have been pleased with the way Jeanie has been recieved by my friends and community. The fear that Jeanie had in going out as a girl quickly vanished. It didn't take long before Jeanie would go out most anywhere although full on girl was always a little more easy at parties and at my favorite gay club.

I am probably the gayest straight woman out there; a real fag hag only rivaled by maybe Madonna and Margaret Cho whom I adore for reflecting my absolute adoration at the sweet company of gay males. I love drag shows and a few float about my social circle although usually not in drag. They look more like pretty boys who have been forced into feminizing in a prison setting. Friday night they were out in full make up and their best wigs for amateur night. Most are regular acts and served as judges.

It was not part of our agenda to enter Gee in the show. For as long as we've been together we've talked about it but I think she saw her moment and just went with it in what I refer to as one of her Church camp blouse and skirt get ups.

The Queens gave her a song she didn't know and slung her in the 7th and final slot. I was so nervous. In my mind I was reeling with what I would have done to help her prepare if I'd only known that she was going to do it but the show goes on, right?

She took that stage and gave it everything she had. Was she the best? No but was she all girl? Absolutely. From the stage she looked like a secretary who was letting loose at Karaoke with her girlfriends. She was beautiful and outrageous and shockingly comfortable. Dollars flew around and I loved her so much more.

She didn't place. My favorites didn't place at all. If they looked remotely natural, they didn't place no matter how good they performed. It was like an ugly gay boy pageant and that's what pissed me off. It was almost as if she was penalized for being straight and not having to wear a wig.

Well, she's not done. I am going to get totally behind her and make the Drag Queens look silly. Nothing appeals to me more than to watch the under girl win and she will. I have all sorts of images dancing in my head but none of the images conform to typical drag queen rules. What will that do for the other crossdressers in the world? Somebody needs to kick that door in and I'm wearing the high heel that can do it.

This is when I wish there was a community to call upon. There isn't one. Crossdressers have remained so illusive. They've remained a dirty secret when there is nothing dirty about it at all. There are so many crossdressers I love and admire. I would strut them all out of main street if they were my girls...even if they were not. Instead they live in fear of leaving the comfort of their own homes. Some don't even know that pleasure. I hate photos taken in hotel rooms. They are so sad and depressing to me and this is WHY it's the dirty secret. They are truly the 2 percenters.

Don't get me wrong about the gay community. If it were not for the gay community, Jeanie and I would have very little social interaction at all. There were those there that saw how special she truly is. So many people made it a point to tell her she was great even if she was snubbed by the "real" drag queens. For Jeanie it was a dream come true. For me it wasn't. I saw the prejudice attitudes and it's in my very nature to determine to destroy them.

I will. One Drag Show at a time...

No Club I'd Belong TO

The Sweet Finds of a Crossdresser's Girlfriend.

With a title like that, you kind of box yourself into a transsexual corner, dontcha?

Hell yes, you do!

I've tried to get away with a few other topics but mostly I talk about Gee.

Sometimes she a girl and sometimes he's a real guy and I love Gee just the same.

I began this blog in hopes of finding more chics like me.

There are none.

We're out there on a limb and it's shaking, Baby.

I've become addicted to a few bloggers out there. I don't comment a lot mostly because fuck it I have nothing to compare against your equation. You don't get me either so we're even. If you really wanna be a woman : PULL UP YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND GET ON WITH IT! I don't feel sorry for you and neither should you! Everybody is born broken. We're all aliens trying to find home inside ourselves. You are no different.

I definitely live an alternative lifestyle but I'm not a member of the trans community. I didn't love anyone by default. I'm not above plastic surgery but I want more not less. I have a girlfriend with a righteous cock and it will stay that way until never notice.

This week I got an email asking me to comment on their blog. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!!! I thought it was incredibly rude since this blogger makes it a point to say they've been reading my blog but you think I've gotten any comments? NO! Not one in probably...well maybe ever. Shame on you. I would be less insulted if you asked for a hand job since you bought me dinner. Just for the record, I gave a hand job. It will be my last. I promise.

I think I'd like to have a blog that is more revealing of all that I am instead of what I am not.

Brad Pitt for Mayor

If Brad Pitt becomes the Mayor of New Orleans, I'm moving.
No ifs, ands or buts.
I can't be bothered to explain why.
Google it.
I just needed to state that.
It's very good to state things.
Words have power but more to the point, giving thoughts efflected voice bring about the birth of blessings.
In other words, it makes all your wildest dreams come true.
These days I hear it being called The Law of Attraction.
My people were quicker to call it, "Speaking it into Existence".
Life is good these days for the Crossdresser and Me and the floppy eared Imperial Goddess.
We have peace and quiet when we want it.
We wake up together and set about adventures.
We eat sushi and play girlfriends and watch True Blood together.
I make her wear a maid uniform when She cleans the house.
She pulls at my toes for as long as I want.
We work a lot but next paycheck I owe noone and can buy a Miata if I want.
It's red and a convertible just like I talked about.
I want Mandy to move in with us.
I feel this need to protect her and bring her about just like I always talked about.
I feel I have outgrown my job.
I want to start fresh and use all that I have learned about people and find a new place to rule.
I dreamed I seduced a short haired red-haired 19 year old. I knew she was too young but I could not resist playing with her on my knees while she layed sprawled on her bed. It was over much too fast.
I dreamed I hung out with MY Company President and two nights later I walked into a Wine Bar and there He was. I have great admiration for him. He's not quite human to me. That's probably a dangerous perspective. I've done this in the past only to be disappointed to learn people really are ...just people. They are capable of the same fucked-up behavior as you display and it gets you in the pit of your peach fuzzy heart.
I have taken off my birthday for the first time since I began at my job.
I also took a week off in October to gallivant off to finish unfinished business.
Only I realized lately that the unfinished business IS done.
It's over and there's nothing to run off to work on.
I'm also thinking that my job is to go out in new directions.
I'd like to end up someplace new and unguarded.
I want to find a yard to run and play and go inside when the street lights come on.
I liked California.
Chicago but there's nothing left to do there.
Gia doesn't like Florida while it suited me just fine.
I want to be closer to Cousin Mark and David.
I want to jump in the Miata and meet them for coffee.
Today they stopped in.
We ate Veggie pizza and I explained why I know I'm much older now.
Physical changes have began and I'm okay with that.
It's alright if you hold it up to the light just right.
Thursday night I painted pottery and told the girls what it's like to live with a crossdresser.
I never know who I'm coming home to.
I might find Jesus. I might find Angelina Jolie.
Either way I win.
Brad Pitt for Mayor of New Orleans!

Cross Dresser has Blue Balls

There's a great scene in the thirteenth minute of Mr Magorium's wonder emporium where a little boy goes into a dressing room with a little red toy soldier costume and comes out dressed as a princess! I thought I'd find it on YouTube for sure but no. I still have to tell you about it. I like this movie a lot!

So tonight, she tells me that her panties are not fitting so well.

She asks if balls get bigger.

I tell her that's blue balls.

"You just need LOVE!" I say.

She flips her hair and over her shoulder she says, "It's okay. I don't mind. I always want to..you know...but it's okay if we don't."

She says it in such a way that I want to put the I in the quote in lower case. I love that bashful and blushing girl at Bible Camp demeanor of hers.

I love that when people speak of my cross dresser that they never refer to a specific sex. No her or him or man or woman. Just person. Just a beautiful soul.

This week I got the invitation of all invitations. A group of gals asked me to join them on their "Girls Night Out". Shelly asked in an email after she apologized for sending me a reference she met at a bar who won't stop calling for an interview who I found a serious rap sheet when I poked around in his background! I called her a lush and voila! She asks me to go on the outing. One by one, each of the gals came to my desk and told me how excited they were to have me come along. The event is POTTERY followed by Irish Drinking. I asked if my boyfriend could come if he wore a dress. They unequivocally said, "YESSSSSSS!" And they would, because long ago I made it a point to surround myself with colorful charismatic creatures rubber banded together with love and understanding and pink shoe strings.

I'm off to watch more mr magorium's wonder emporium and make love to a man in a dress.

Good Night, Sweet Girl.

Tori Amos

The CrossDresser went to a Tori Amos concert on Friday night. Adam had an extra ticket and I am not a fan. I find her mystical and dig on some of her phrases, but I haven't fallen for her as so many people in my circle have. After the concert they stood in the rain for two hours hoping to see her board the tour bus. She never did.

"If she had asked me to get on the bus, would it have been okay?"

Finally. Sweet Girl finally admitted to being attracted to another woman.

Personally, I find these things healthy while not quite identifying any current crushes of my own. There is a guy at work but I've been fond for years so I consider him to be unfinished business. We almost had a thing until he learned his ex girlfriend was pregnant. I respect him for resuming the relationship though I'm aware that it's far from a happily ever after. I think it's mostly physical though. Lust in a pink haze. When we talk I get bored.

Nothing boring about Gia though we don't have a need to talk all the time. Sometimes we just yell across the house to check in with one another. When she isn't home-I miss her crazy. It's a relaxing day with Gia coming home and Adam on the way.

Adam is my favorite straightest gay friend ever. He surrounds himself with straights while I surround myself with gays. It's a hoot. He's coming over to catch up on True Blood. He just moved into a new apartment with a new love (but that's a complicated story) and he doesn't come over as often as I wish he would.

When he does I'm always inspired to burn incense and cook exotic dishes. It's a perfect day to enjoy what I have. Tomorrow I can aspire to all that I want. Today I am grateful for love and peace and sweet leisure.

I wanted to go blond but now I'm not so sure.

Maybe I should keep the scarlet.

Like Tori. (wink)

Relax

I'm always busy reinventing myself and occasionally I suffer from growing pains. I set such high expectations on myself and it's exhausting. I'm tired. Last night Gia said, "Do us all a favor and just relax a minute."
Who is us?
The thing is I could be better.
I just know I could and I don't mind pushing myself in that direction if I could just stay on track and not get lost...not get frustrated.
The one grand area I have no problem with is with Gia and therefore, I will meet her request.
I will relax for a minute.

Working Girl

I love the new Louis Vuitton ad campaign with Madonna. Isn't she spectacular? She's a grand believer in always recreating yourself and that is what I want for myself. I never want to stop growing. I never want to stop learning.

My Little House Pet has become quite a working girl. She now has two jobs: one in retail where we get a fabulous discount and the other at a Golf Course. She and I are both working as much as possible right now; at least until the end of the year. Fabulous Christmas and a Happy New Year with Sweet Gia's Birthday in between.

She's enjoying wine and strutting about in my long black evening dress and gloves with rhinestones.

I haven't taken the girl out in quite some time. I think we are long overdue due for a night out with the boys.

Back to Eating Cat Food

Yesterday you didn't miss a lot.
I binged on carbs and was absolutely nasty and rude to anyone that would hold still.
Except Gia.
She missed the wrath maybe because I pity her as she gives up cigarettes.
Maybe it was because she looked like a smokin' hot pink ballerina.
I never know who will show up to dinner and I don't want to know.
It's such a thrill to see what she'll choose to wear.
I'm back on track with my diet though I have no energy for exercise.
I've worked 12 hour days for most of the week and I'm so tired!
I purchased the P90X but haven't began the process yet.
It's slightly intimidating but I'm up for it.
A girl should constantly reinvent herself.
It's important for me to never stop growing, testing limits or allowing myself too much comfort.
I find it odd because Gia puts no rules on me at all.
She asks for little and yet the lack of provocation seems to ...well, provoke me.
I don't imagine that going back to a traditional relationship with a typical male would suit me.
Of course, this one isn't always easy.
I've had to stretch her a few areas but compared to some out there, I have an easy cross dresser.
Oooh....she just came out in a pale pink top and a sensible knee length skirt with heels.
She looks like she might be going to bible study.
I love when the church girl comes out to play.

Yay!

This morning I colored my hair a deep black cherry. I would love to be assisted in this, but Gia always looks like a Sim in distress when I ask her for help. She's great at somethings and there are other things I've learned that there's just not a need to bother.



All in all, she's easy to please.

All in all, I think it's easy to please each other.

She's my best friend ever.

Tonight I came home to find her dressed like a perfect gymnast in a hot pink tank top and purple shorts standing in the kitchen cooking my dinner. If I had a cock, I am sure I would have gotten an erection.

And that's part of it, isn't it? Being a crossdresser's girlfriend allows me to explore my deeply masculine, peculiarly strong dominant places that perhaps, a traditional relationship would not afford me.

As a Crossdresser's Girlfriend, I have discovered that I am the bravest gal I know. What I once feared, has already been met and overcome. I finally believe that there is NOTHING I can't do. Do you know how sweet a freedom that carries love in its mouth tastes like? I do...

Wish my Girl luck.

She decided to quit smoking today.

Make Up Video of The Crossdressers Girlfriend Nov 08

My Sexy Mute Angel

Perfect

As I struggle to shed one more layer of skin, my Gorgeous Girl refrained from telling me that she is 5'10 and 147 pounds. She's absolutely perfect in splendid dimension and when I learned just how perfect, I chased her around the house and yelled out obscenities. God love a girl who can keep from gloating. She is so supportive. The pantry is always packed with fresh foods and she prepares all of my meals even rising to make the ones I must have at work. Such a doll. I can't imagine life without her or how I ever got along before she showed up. All I know for sure is that I hope to never go a day without her love and want to share all I have with her.

Disguise

There's a chick at work whom I first thought looked like Jada Pickett Smith with a hat. Now I watch her scuttle, manipulate and con realizing all done in a hat I realize she's a bug hiding her antennas with that fucking hat. I am very Zen; I don't mention it but I'm careful not to allow her to touch me. She's always trying to touch me but I don't allow it but she's a parasite ...kind of like Ray's art.

Last night I had a very adolescent dream. I dreamed I was with a childhood friend and I peed myself in front of her whole family. I had nothing to change into and I was seeing Nikki Sixx who had bought a car from me....my first car an 88 Beretta gt which he had turned into something righteously his own. Don't ask. Nikki is a frequent flyer in my dreams. Lady Gaga recently remarked that she loved boys who looked like girls and remarked that all of her boyfriends looked like Nikki Sixx. We should all be so lucky.

The Crossdresser announced that he would no longer be in male clothing except at work and for occasional family gatherings. I think she expected to be met with slight opposition but I didn't. That's fine. She's gorgeous as a boy or a girl. I love to watch her in the kitchen as she cooks my breakfast in a nightie. I wish I could paint. I should at least take photos.

She's gorgeous and life is beautiful.

Dead People and Groupies

I am reading, "no death, no fear" by Thich Nhat Hanh.

The author is a Buddhist Monk.

He says that most of us are already dead.

When we don't live in the moment we are dead.

Even if we are turning around to look at the past or making plans for the future, we are dead.

So all day, I tried to live in the moment.

He suggests saying, "I have arrived. I am finally home."

I did this but it was still hard for me not to daydream about blond hair and my miata.

It's hard to get all jacked up about a day spent in the office and then it occurs to me that I might not be where I am meant to be.

But if I'm not enjoying the current moment...doesn't that make me dead?

I'm trying to figure out this living business.

All I really know is that I went a whole day without speaking ill of anything or anyone.

I made an attempt to be kind and thoughtful and I succeeded.

It felt good.

The Crossdresser and I have groupies.

Yes, friends.

It's true.

There are those that seek us out for what I cannot say. I'm not sure.

Not separately.

They want the package deal.

Is it even possible to want us both?

The Crossdresser and I are like night and day.

How can someone fancy us both?

I'm thinking they want one of us and long to be the other.

That's my vibe on it.

I'll keep you posted.

For now, I'll finish my green tea and admire the hot pink shorts the Crossdresser put on after work.